Cleaning out the office... Oooh...
posted by Nikki at 3:28 PM

You know why some pictures of people come out better than others? It's because of the light in their eyes. When a person smiles enough to let it show in their eyes, the picture always comes out good. It doesn't matter what they're wearing or if they've got makeup on or if their hair is done.

But one of the saddest things is when you're able to fake the light in your eyes. It makes a lie out of the picture. And it shows how accustomed you are to living without it, that you can make it come and go at will. All just to fool the people around you.
posted by Nikki at 4:02 PM

I remember when this happened. That morning was craziness as I was trying to leave for work. Instead I found the road blocked by cops, just as soon as I turned the corner from my house. Turns out he lived on the Anaheim side of our block. For at least a year you could still see the bullet holes in the wood fence where the guy died. His kids went to school at my mom's parish.

http://www.knbc.com/news/16863585/detail.html

Ringleader In 2002 Killing Of Buena Park Man Sentenced To Death
Officials: Navarro, 40, Recruited 3 Pacoima Gang Members To Execute Man

POSTED: 10:52 am PDT July 12, 2008
UPDATED: 11:20 am PDT July 12, 2008

SANTA ANA, Calif. -- A judge followed a jury's recommendation and imposed the death penalty Friday on a Canyon Country gang member who recruited lower- level gang associates to kill a Rancho Dominguez businessman at the behest of the victim's sister.

Anthony Navarro, 40, was convicted Oct. 18 of first-degree murder, conspiracy and street terrorism, along with the special circumstance allegations of murder in the commission of a robbery, a kidnapping and in furtherance of street gang activity.

David Montemayor, 44, was kidnapped from his family-run business by three men on Oct. 2, 2002. The men drove Montemayor toward his home in Buena Park, where they believed he kept thousands of dollars in cash, but he escaped from the car about a mile from the house and ran from the vehicle, prosecutors said.

Two of the abductors fired at him, shooting Montemayor in the head, prosecutors said. All three kidnappers fled the scene, and led police on a televised chase during rush hour.

Montemayor's sister, Deborah Perna, solicited his slaying because she believed the Buena Park man was stealing from the family's business, and out of jealousy after learning that her father intended to pass control of the business to him.

Perna, 50, of Anaheim, asked co-worker Edelmira Corona, 30, of Pico Rivera, to arrange the killing by asking her friend, Navarro, to carry it out, according to the Orange County District Attorney's Office.

Prosecutors said Navarro recruited Gerardo Lopez, 22, of Pacoima, Armando Macias, 31, of Lancaster, and Alberto Martinez, 29, of Castaic, all lower-level members of a Pacoima-based gang, to carry out the hit.

Lopez was convicted and sentenced to life in prison without parole, and the other two are awaiting trial, scheduled to begin next March.

Perna was convicted Oct. 28, 2005, of murder, along with the special circumstance allegations of murder during an attempted robbery and kidnapping.

She was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole on Feb. 16, 2006.

Corona pleaded guilty to manslaughter and is scheduled to be sentenced Nov. 12. She faces up to 22 years in prison.

Macias and Martinez face trial on Jan. 26.
posted by Nikki at 10:40 AM

Oh what. So I just discovered I can get to Blogger from work.

...

Yet I still feel censored.

I just want to go back home and go to sleep.
posted by Nikki at 8:28 AM

I haven't spent quality time with my friends in so long that it feels like I have no friends anymore.

Which is probably why I had last night's dream, where I was with two friends who I used to consider best friends, but in the dream we just didn't mesh anymore. Because that's how it almost feels like in real life now.

I think life is lonelier back in California than in New York, because at least in New York I knew where I stood with everyone I knew out there. And some of those people were actually turning into real friends. But here all I have are illusions. I have tons of illusions of friends - people I know who think of me as a "friend", but I'm not really. We're all just acquaintances. Even my family.

There isn't anyone in my life who knows what my life is like day-to-day and who understands the way I think and who I can rely on to be around just because we're friends.

Then again, there hasn't been anyone like that since I graduated from college. It's been a really lonely six years. Most of the time I've just kept myself too busy to notice.

But maybe that's why, whenever I'm not busy and I'm (inevitably) alone, I feel like killing myself. (It took me four minutes to complete that sentence.) Yes, I said it. And yes, it's true. But the fact that I've felt this way since about the fifth grade and I'm still alive means it will probably never happen. Then again, it only takes one heartfelt try to make it happen. Oh well. Whether it happens or not, it's not really my problem, is it? That's the thing about death, it touches other people more than it touches the person who dies. Yeah, I'm getting morbid now. Maybe I should just go to sleep and have more bad dreams.
posted by Nikki at 10:30 PM

At the beginning of today's staff meeting, we were each supposed to name one thing we wanted out of 2008. Of course, the thing I wanted to say is so not allowed to be said out loud. So I said happiness. Although that one is probably the more revealing option, if you read it the right way. I hope no one was looking at me as I said it, because it felt like I had this look of "I'm saying it because I don't have it right now" on my face and that would be revealing way too much at work. Of course, if I'd said the other thing, I'd just feel cheesy and stupid. But that's the one real wish I have. And it's the one that means the most to me, because I'm not so sure that I'm ever going to have it. Happiness is doable by myself. The other one is not.
posted by Nikki at 10:57 PM

I'm still awake. I can't sleep. I don't want to go to work anymore. I want it to keep raining. I think I'm bipolar.
posted by Nikki at 1:34 AM

I've been censoring. A lot. Mostly because of the new job. I'm going to try not to censor right now.

For the last month or maybe even longer I've been sad. I don't know what to do with myself. Times like this, where no one is home and I'm tired, but don't feel like being here, I don't know what to do.

I think of all the friends I could call up, but it seems like too much effort. And some of them, as much as I love them, aren't the kind of person I want to hang out with while I'm in the mood I'm in anyway. Plus, I don't want to subject my friends to my bad moods.

But it doesn't matter. Because even if I did go out, alone or with a friend, that sadness would still be there. I could go out and have a great time, like I have a few times lately, but when I get home there it is. And sometimes when I'm out I'll feel it then too.

I know I have a choice to be this way or not. The thing is, I don't want to choose not. Because I know I'm sad for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is. And it's not going to do me any good to bury it like I do so many other things.
posted by Nikki at 5:14 PM

Contrary to what people think, it's not work.

It's being lost.

Without someone to confide in.

Now what? Living on my own, the point is to survive and thrive. Living the way I do now, there is no point.

There's no moving forward when you have nothing to move to.
posted by Nikki at 9:56 PM

I just want to cry. It's been that kind of time lately. I know I've been riding that thin line of depression and sadness for a couple weeks now.

The thing is, I've never been one to talk about it. It just makes me feel cliche and stupid saying these things out loud. So I pour my heart out on here. But then, sometimes, that makes you feel worse because it's as if there's no one you can really talk to - even though I know in my head that's not true.

So what is it that's putting me in this place?

Fuck if I know.

It could be a lot of things. It could be work or my "love" life (or lack thereof) or even my social life. I doubt it's my family, because things on that side are actually going decent for once.

Okay, fine, I know it's those first three.

I'm just trying to get through the day at work. I don't question why I'm doing what I do, I just do it. There's no time to think about these things right now anyway. At least I'm busy. It's better than the opposite.

As for the lack of a love life... It's like a big, black hole. But then it always has been, right? Even when there was someone there.

It's funny how I know what I want in every aspect of my life except for that one. I don't even know how to start figuring it out. I just want the end results of feeling content and happy and loved. It's that part in between that keeps messing me up.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely. There comes a time when a friend isn't enough, as bad as that is to say.

I'm not being fatalistic. I know this isn't the end of the world, unless I choose for it to be. It's just the way things are right now. And at the moment I'm too busy to try and work things out.

Yes, I could use a little help. But who would I ask? And what exactly would I ask for? If I knew the answers to those questions you can bet your ass I'd be asking.

Life is just one big *shrug* right now.
posted by Nikki at 10:27 PM

There's something I'd like to say. I've only admitted it out loud half way and to one person, one time.

I've admitted it to myself. But I'm not sure if I want it.

It's my secret. And as much as I want it to go away, I'm not really sure if I do.

No, I'm not pregnant.

If I say it now, I will be compromising. But do I want to compromise? I always compromise. It hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past.

If I don't say it now, I may miss my chance.

Or I may turn it into something better.

Or I may fuck everything up.

Or it might even go away.

Guess that's a no then.

So how do I keep it from festering until it goes away or I decide to say it?

Turn it around, I guess. Be happy for what you have. Enjoy it while you can. It's not going away.

In any case, you're not ready.

But that doesn't explain why I feel sad when I don't say it.
posted by Nikki at 12:11 AM