I haven't spent quality time with my friends in so long that it feels like I have no friends anymore.

Which is probably why I had last night's dream, where I was with two friends who I used to consider best friends, but in the dream we just didn't mesh anymore. Because that's how it almost feels like in real life now.

I think life is lonelier back in California than in New York, because at least in New York I knew where I stood with everyone I knew out there. And some of those people were actually turning into real friends. But here all I have are illusions. I have tons of illusions of friends - people I know who think of me as a "friend", but I'm not really. We're all just acquaintances. Even my family.

There isn't anyone in my life who knows what my life is like day-to-day and who understands the way I think and who I can rely on to be around just because we're friends.

Then again, there hasn't been anyone like that since I graduated from college. It's been a really lonely six years. Most of the time I've just kept myself too busy to notice.

But maybe that's why, whenever I'm not busy and I'm (inevitably) alone, I feel like killing myself. (It took me four minutes to complete that sentence.) Yes, I said it. And yes, it's true. But the fact that I've felt this way since about the fifth grade and I'm still alive means it will probably never happen. Then again, it only takes one heartfelt try to make it happen. Oh well. Whether it happens or not, it's not really my problem, is it? That's the thing about death, it touches other people more than it touches the person who dies. Yeah, I'm getting morbid now. Maybe I should just go to sleep and have more bad dreams.
posted by Nikki at 10:30 PM