I've been censoring. A lot. Mostly because of the new job. I'm going to try not to censor right now.

For the last month or maybe even longer I've been sad. I don't know what to do with myself. Times like this, where no one is home and I'm tired, but don't feel like being here, I don't know what to do.

I think of all the friends I could call up, but it seems like too much effort. And some of them, as much as I love them, aren't the kind of person I want to hang out with while I'm in the mood I'm in anyway. Plus, I don't want to subject my friends to my bad moods.

But it doesn't matter. Because even if I did go out, alone or with a friend, that sadness would still be there. I could go out and have a great time, like I have a few times lately, but when I get home there it is. And sometimes when I'm out I'll feel it then too.

I know I have a choice to be this way or not. The thing is, I don't want to choose not. Because I know I'm sad for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is. And it's not going to do me any good to bury it like I do so many other things.
posted by Nikki at 5:14 PM

Contrary to what people think, it's not work.

It's being lost.

Without someone to confide in.

Now what? Living on my own, the point is to survive and thrive. Living the way I do now, there is no point.

There's no moving forward when you have nothing to move to.
posted by Nikki at 9:56 PM

I just want to cry. It's been that kind of time lately. I know I've been riding that thin line of depression and sadness for a couple weeks now.

The thing is, I've never been one to talk about it. It just makes me feel cliche and stupid saying these things out loud. So I pour my heart out on here. But then, sometimes, that makes you feel worse because it's as if there's no one you can really talk to - even though I know in my head that's not true.

So what is it that's putting me in this place?

Fuck if I know.

It could be a lot of things. It could be work or my "love" life (or lack thereof) or even my social life. I doubt it's my family, because things on that side are actually going decent for once.

Okay, fine, I know it's those first three.

I'm just trying to get through the day at work. I don't question why I'm doing what I do, I just do it. There's no time to think about these things right now anyway. At least I'm busy. It's better than the opposite.

As for the lack of a love life... It's like a big, black hole. But then it always has been, right? Even when there was someone there.

It's funny how I know what I want in every aspect of my life except for that one. I don't even know how to start figuring it out. I just want the end results of feeling content and happy and loved. It's that part in between that keeps messing me up.

I guess I'm just feeling lonely. There comes a time when a friend isn't enough, as bad as that is to say.

I'm not being fatalistic. I know this isn't the end of the world, unless I choose for it to be. It's just the way things are right now. And at the moment I'm too busy to try and work things out.

Yes, I could use a little help. But who would I ask? And what exactly would I ask for? If I knew the answers to those questions you can bet your ass I'd be asking.

Life is just one big *shrug* right now.
posted by Nikki at 10:27 PM

There's something I'd like to say. I've only admitted it out loud half way and to one person, one time.

I've admitted it to myself. But I'm not sure if I want it.

It's my secret. And as much as I want it to go away, I'm not really sure if I do.

No, I'm not pregnant.

If I say it now, I will be compromising. But do I want to compromise? I always compromise. It hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past.

If I don't say it now, I may miss my chance.

Or I may turn it into something better.

Or I may fuck everything up.

Or it might even go away.

Guess that's a no then.

So how do I keep it from festering until it goes away or I decide to say it?

Turn it around, I guess. Be happy for what you have. Enjoy it while you can. It's not going away.

In any case, you're not ready.

But that doesn't explain why I feel sad when I don't say it.
posted by Nikki at 12:11 AM