There was a time in high school that I told myself I'd never give my heart out to anyone. So I spent college living as a free spirit, doing what I pleased with who I pleased. Then I realized it wasn't making me happy. So after college I told myself I'd be more respectful of my feelings and others' feelings. I started to seclude myself, while still keeping the wall up. And now I can't get out.

I still wonder what it was in high school that made me make this decision. I can't even remember anymore. But I must've been hurt real bad for it to last this long. Or maybe it's just habit now.

It is like a vicious cycle. How do you trust someone enough to give them your heart when you can't trust them enough to be their friend? And how do you meet potential friends when you can't get yourself to open up enough to meet new people?

And the friends I do have now, they're the things I cherish most about my life. My close friends, my real friends, know me and understand me. They put up with me. And they support me. But all this makes them family to me. So what about that other part of life? At least I know I'm not completely alone, but I still feel unfulfilled. Sucks to say I need a man to feel whole, but there is definitely something missing in my life. And times like these just make me pine away. So much so that it physically feels like there's a fist grabbing on to my heart. My chest gets tight and it gets hard to breathe. Then I just start to cry. God, I hate being a wuss.

And I hate even more knowing that all I crave right now is someone who cares to come and let me cry on their shoulder. Because I don't want to need them.
posted by Nikki at 9:47 PM