So I started painting the last wall today. Sadly, I ran out of paint too soon. So I will finish the wall tomorrow. Till then I will deal with another night of walking over plastic dropcloths and climbing over furniture and having paint all over me and leaving the window open overnight in 20 degree weather.

How do you get paint out of your hair, anyway?

Yesterday, a couple people at work told me I have a second career in quite a few things. It's nice to be recognized. Especially when those people are "better" than you - they're kinda, sorta my bosses.

Anyway, that's all for now.
posted by Nikki at 8:09 PM

I was really pissed off at my mom last night. On a normal day, it's pretty easy for that to happen to me. We don't have the closest of relationships. But last night was the closest I've come to telling her how disappointed I am in the way I was raised. I know she did the best she could. And it's not her fault. And it's something I have to learn to deal with. And I need to get over it. Not her. But it still doesn't take away from the fact that I feel disappointed and hurt every time I think about it.

I also know I need to make more of an effort to fix things from my end. But I haven't gotten to the point where I can do that yet. I think I'm not ready to forgive yet. Which sucks. Because one thing tonight's movie reminded of is that there isn't enough time in the world.God, I think the only reason I've come as far as I have on the career front is because I'm still stuck in kindergarten on the emotional front. It's amazing how you can excel at one thing and be completely inept at another.

posted by Nikki at 7:16 PM

If there's anything that could take me out of a productive mood, it's a phone call from my mom.

This time it turned into a call about not needing to be madly in love to get married. She tells me that it's bad to be madly in love anyway, because it blinds you. Well, duh. Isn't that the point?

I think what frustrates me most about my mom is she never takes risks. Maybe it's because she's a lot older and past that time, but it fucking pisses me off when she tells me not to take risks either. I'm 25 goddamnit. If I don't take them now, then when? It's not like I ever take uncalculated risks. Just because I do things she'd never dream of doing doesn't mean it's wrong.

Thanks to my mom I'm sure I could jump out of a plane, but I have a hell of a time approaching the thought of a real relationship with anyone. I will defy her with every breath I take. I've been doing it since I could walk. But when it comes to relationships I won't touch it. Because that old adage that says you turn into your parents - I know it's true. And fuck if that's going to happen to me.

I don't want a b.s. relationship with my husband. She said that you don't need romance. You have to try for it to get it. Well, mother, that's you. You might not need it, but I want it. And since I know I'm probably going to end up like you I'd rather die alone and single than alone and married.

SO FUCK YOU.
posted by Nikki at 7:35 PM

Tam tam bought me an NYPD shirt from Chinatown while she was here (it was technically free anyway) and I just started wearing it this week. It's so comfy!! It's my new favorite t-shirt. Haha... I love how the free and cheap shirts always end up being my favorites.

So it was yet another unmemorable Valentine's Day. Oh well. I don't know what's in store for my future, but my present isn't so bad. So I'm not going to complain.

Oh, but I will whine. So this morning I get a birthday alarm email. I figured it was for Garrett's birthday, so I didn't check it till tonight. Well, gee. It's for a certain guy who I've been trying to get OUT of my head. And on today of all days. *sigh* I'd actually completely forgotten - until the world threw it in my face again. If it's not untriggered dreams it's birthday alarm emails...

Tonight, while walking through Port Authority to my bus gate, I passed all these guys carrying bouquets of flowers. Surprisingly, the bitterness, jealousy, and cynism of the past wasn't there. My first thought was "how sweet". I was actually hopeful. I hope one day one of those guys is one his way to meet me. Hah. I'm turning into a mushy girly girl. God help me.

So I was trying to sleep early tonight. I guess not, since at 10 minutes to 11pm I was still doing dishes when my mom called. Sheesh. I'm starting to get an idea of what it's like for parents to be divorced/separated. I still haven't even called my dad yet tonight. I'm starting to think I'm not going to. It's 20 minutes to midnight and I'm sleepy. So I think that call will wait till tomorrow.

Oh, but my mom sent me money for Valentine's. She actually told me to treat myself to a nice dinner. Ha. That's a first. But this money can be used for so many other things... like paying the ticket I got on the light rail the other week... or paying my oh-so-incredibly-stressful credit card bills... or paying for fun stuff in New Orleans... or paying for a new vacuum since mine broke and I seriously need to vacuum. Man, I took it way for granted when I had loads of dispensable income.

Okay, good night now.
posted by Nikki at 8:29 PM

Go me. I did the dishes tonight. Those of you who know me know what a momentous occasion that was.

Before I did the dishes there was something I wanted to post about. Now I've forgotten what it was.

I still feel weird in this place. I can't say that it's great, but it's not bad. It's definitely an improvement over living with my parents, though. But I wish I didn't have to pay rent. According to the Budget Calculator, it's taking up 63% of my net income right now. Yeah yeah. I know that's way too much. BUT I didn't know how bad taxes would be over here. Plus, I think I'm spending more in bus and subway fare here than I ever spent on gas in California. Who'da thunk? Geez.

Okay, since I can't remember whatever epiphany it was I was going to post about I'm going to go now.
posted by Nikki at 6:00 PM

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm resorting to Blogger because LJ is down again. Geez. Remember the days when I started LJ because Blogger was always down?

American Idol was emotionally draining tonight. I'm SO FREAKING GLAD that Elizabeth Pha girl is gone. She was the absolute worst model of an Asian American. She seemed too ditzy and irresposible and immature. Argh. She made me mad just looking at her.

I don't know whether to be happy or sad. My favorite pair of pants are too big now.

That's all. I'm in a good mood right now and I don't want to spoil it. I just wish LJ was working.

posted by Nikki at 6:59 PM

My apologies. I've been neglecting this place recently. (If it happens again, go to www.livejournal.com/users/bruingrl.) I'm recently planted in Hoboken/New York City. And truthfully, it has it's moments, but I'd rather be back home. Of course, I'm not going to really admit that out loud to anyone.

It is neato having my own place, though, no matter how much I can't afford it and how infinitesimally small it is. I think I'd have been better off finding my own place somewhere in L.A. But I don't know of any job that would pay me what I need to have my own place in L.A. with the huge lack of experience/qualifications I have. Unless I want to live in the ghetto, of course.

Then there's that whole subject of "boys". Good Lord. I'm subconsciously avoiding them on purpose right now. I don't feel up to trying to be nice to people I don't already know well. And no one I know well is a Potential.

Today Djuna said she wants to introduce me to her 23 year old nephew - who's gay. Well, gee, isn't that the story of my life? That would make the last five guys I've met recently gay. Are there no worthwhile straight men left in this world???

I'm just getting a teensy bit frustrated here. The sad part is, I don't miss it. Not really. Because I've never had a relationship that wasn't a pain in the ass. Seriously. I'm probably extremely lazy, because I don't think that many guys can be that high maintenance, but geez it was draining just trying stay in a "relationship" with the guys I've gone out with.

I'm sadly picky, too. I want someone with potential. I want someone who knows how to take care of himself. I want someone I trust to watch out for me. I want someone with at least a bit of class, who can handle himself well in a museum or at a ballet, but then who lets it rip on a snowboard or at a Laker game. I want someone intelligent, who is at least a little bit musically talented. I want someone who is open minded and tolerant. Who's hot in bed. And preferably who wouldn't mind spending money to take me out because I'm fucking broke right now. Yeah, that's all. Just that short list of qualities... *sigh* I might as well jump in front of a bus right now.

posted by Nikki at 7:48 PM