I'm lightheaded.

For the first time in a long time I noticed my cheekbones beginning to stick out again. I'm willing to starve till I get back to where I was eight years ago.

I'm cranky and annoyed and tired and I want time to myself. In my bed. At home.

New York is the only place I've ever been where I get homesick.

I'm really beginning to hate it here.

posted by Nikki at 1:14 AM

LJ's down again. Looking for a place to vent.

My boss is getting on my nerves again. And today she told me she wants me to stay in the office while she and the new hire go to L.A. for our strategic planning meeting. Which, fine, it makes sense, but I was looking forward to going home for a while. The thing that bothers me, though, is that I get calls from her after work hours. I think it started when she called me at 8am on the morning after Thanksgiving ABOUT WORK. Fucking pissed me off. And ever since, whenever she calls and it's not work hours, I get really really annoyed. So yeah, maybe I have slacked off recently. But my work life is reserved for work hours. After work hours I want nothing to do with work. I take work home enough as it is. I'm not someone who wants to screw my life away working and not enjoying what the world around me has to offer. And with being sick off my ass the last week (enough that I wanted to fly home just to see my doctor - think bronchitis, maybe even pneumonia by now) and having to set up an entire office, which was not nearly in my job description, and having a new title that leaves my "new" job completely undefined and seemingly unnecessary and the new group health insurance plan that's way out of my budget, I'm not in a work-motivated frame of mind right now. I know I've got to get my act together, but right now I'm thinking I'm only going to get it together long enough to find a new job.

I want to move home. In at least one year and in no more than 18 months from now I will move home. That seals the deal. Whenever I say things like that it happens, just like when I said I'd have a job by the September after I graduated.

I think part of the reason I got so sick is because of all the shit I'm breathing over here. I can't deal with the gajillions of people smoking on the street while I'm trying to speed walk around them. And with the dust and garbage flying through the air. And with the construction dust and paint fumes flying around the office. And even with all the dust flying through my apartment. I've coughed so much over the last week that I think I've spit up a lung. And my chest hurt so bad that I just tried to stop breathing, which of course just made me want to cough more.

I was really looking forward to going home. I miss my friends and I miss clean air. The only smog in L.A. is in Riverside. And in the valleys. I don't give a damn about rain in L.A. because it's still at least 60 degrees outside. Not 35 and raining ice while I have to walk around in it. I wanted to pick up more clothes. I wanted to sit in sun. And I wanted to take stuff home because my apartment is way too overloaded as it is.

Fuck dude, as of tomorrow, I'm saving $75 a month towards my moving-home fund. It'll take me three years but I'll still get all my stuff home.

You know what else is bothering me? So I wasn't experienced enough to be promoted to one of the new positions. Fine. But tonight Kathy told me the woman they interviewed this morning, who applied for both the staff assistant and events manager positions, wasn't qualifed enough for the events manager and was too qualified for staff asisstant but sounded very good for the chapter and membership manager. The reason? She had five years experience being staff assistant at a bank and she had a bunch of event planning experience from volunteering with various non-profits. Hello? Sound familiar? Like maybe ME??? I'm starting to feel like my experience is being discounted. I may have only been out of college for two and a half years, but I've got eight years' worth of work experience. And six of those years were working almost autonomously running an office, even if that wasn't my official title or job description. Yeah, I'm pissed. What do I need to do to start being taken seriously? Is it that I prefer a casual work environment? That I prefer wearing jeans over suits? That I prefer listening to the radio than listening to the cars driving by? I'm starting to think the only work environment I'd belong in is one I create myself.

Let me give you an example of how bad it's gotten: I had to tell my boss I was going to be away in Princeton all weekend so that she wouldn't call me before Tuesday morning (Monday is a holiday THANK GOD). That was around 4pm today. So what does she do? She calls, three times before 8pm, asking me to do things for her. Fuck that. It's Friday night. My week ended at 6pm. You might live for your job. I live for my life. SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

posted by Nikki at 10:38 PM