The New Rules, According to Me

1. No excuses. I will not play dumb or sick or drunk to do things I know I should not do.

2. I will not spend money on things I don't need. This includes: clothes and shoes (unless I find I don't have enough that are meant to keep me warm and dry), books (it's called a library), going out to movies (not necessary), eating out (not necessary), dvds and cds (not necessary), non-functional trinkets (not necessary).

3. I will not have a physical relationship with anyone without mutual love, trust, and respect. I'm sick and tired of using and being used in return. It's understandable karma.

4. I will not use alcohol or any other drug to hide from my problems. (Reminder to self: vacations/weekend get-aways are not drugs.)

5. I will learn to love and trust myself, or die trying.

6. I will not let anyone else be responsible for my happiness and sadness.

7. I will regularly re-evaluate my priorities and be honest and understanding with myself when they change.

8. I will not let anyone tell me I cannot, but I will listen when they say I should not.

posted by Nikki at 11:16 PM

Once again I'm doing something I shouldn't and not doing something I should.

These last few weeks I've been working really hard at being a cold-hearted bitch. It's the only way I'm keeping from falling into that I'm Leaving Depression. I've tried to put as much effort as possible into enjoying the time spent with friends and family, but it's hard when you spend half the time pushing the I'm Leaving thought out of your head. It's hard to not dwell on all the people and activities you'll miss. So I haven't let myself think about it. Yes, ignoring things I don't want to think about is something I happen to be good at.

The truth is, I don't really care about the restaurants and the food and even the beaches and mountains I'm leaving behind. The thing I care about is all the people I'm leaving behind. I know I hardly see a lot of them anyway, but the fact that I won't be able to call them up to hang out later that night makes me sad. I know come March I'll regret not taking advantage of that fact more often.

I also know that me moving isn't the end of the world. It's not like I won't ever see my friends and family again and can't just pick up the phone or go online to talk to them. But it will be different. And things will change. I guess I'm worried that I'll lose friendships again, like I have in the past, even though I know if that happens it will be partially my fault for not making the effort.

I also haven't been very excited about moving. I mean, it is exciting working for a company that wants to keep you badly enough to move you across the country. And it is exciting getting my own place to live for the first time, no matter how tiny it is. But being in New York is not exciting to me, no matter what everyone tries to tell me. "Everyone" happens to be people who don't know me very well. I want to yell at them that they would be excited about moving to New York, but I certainly am not. I'm actually sort of dreading it.

I like open space and kick-back environments. I'd do well in Hawaii. Not in New York. But then I also like DC, even though it is the power of the place that attracts me there more than anything. To me, New York has always symbolized something dirty. As I was growing up, my family would go to "New York" about once a year to visit family. Except we'd only go into the city one or two days out of the week or more that we were there. It was a place we'd go to get some errands done, pick up food, and watch a musical. It wasn't a place we willingly wanted to be, where someone would actually want to hang out. That's just the way I was brought up. And for someone like me, who'd love to retire to a house on top of a forest-covered mountain with my own built-in observatory, living in a city like New York (where the only trees are planted trees) is almost like self-exile.

So the most obvious question, then, is why the hell are you moving? The best answer is because I can. And this is something I have to keep reminding myself. It isn't the end of the world. I can always come back. At least I won't be able to regret not taking advantage of a great opportunity. And it is a great opportunity. It's an opportunity for me to experience a new culture. (Hell, I may even like it.) It's an opportunity for me to meet new people. It's an opportunity for me to grow personally. It's an opportunity for me to build upon my "career" by making contacts and gaining more work experience. How could I say no to all of that just because I'm not in love with the place I'm moving to?

I just wish people would stop telling me "Oh you'll love it there! You must be so excited!" Because every time I hear it I want to spit in your face.

So that's how I really feel right now. I won't let myself be sad, because there's no reason for it and if I start now I will never stop until I guilt myself into moving back. But neither can I be excited, because it's not something I'd ever wanted or planned on doing. The best way to describe things at the moment is resigned and hopeful, even if that is a contradiction.

posted by Nikki at 1:21 PM

STRESSED.
I just need a hug. Followed by an evening spent cuddling on the couch.

Apparently, last night wasn't enough to make my loneliness go away.

My body is starting to shut down for the night. I better get in bed before I collapse in front of this computer.

posted by Nikki at 1:03 AM

Working from home and not being in the mood to work leads to an excessive amount of boredom. Hence, the reason why I just watched two Buffy repeats, one of which I'd never seen before.

I've met a lot of incredible men in my life. They're all trustworthy, caring, funny, hard-working and just overall Good People. On the surface I would totally go for any of them, except I have yet to meet one with whom there's that chemistry. I've only met one person who I had major chemistry with; unfortunately I still can't decide whether he belongs on the list of Good or Bad People. In any case, he needs to be put out of the picture. After some reflection I really don't like where some of my actions with him took me. This is also why I'm wary when it begins to feel like I've got some sort of chemistry with a person. I think what makes it even worse is that I KNOW there are Good People out there and I just haven't found my personal one yet. I'm not a very patient person when it comes to details of my perosnal life.

posted by Nikki at 11:25 AM

I should be asleep, but I can't sleep yet. There's still a bit too much alcohol mixed with adrenaline coursing through my veins.

I haven't properly drunk in over a year. Meaning I haven't had more than a few sips at a time in over a year. Yesterday, I fell off the wagon by having a Bailey's and butterscotch shot. Tonight I got dragged off with a Grasshopper and Darling Nikki. Yes, there's a drink named after me. =) It was all chocolatey and rasberry-ey. Yum.

Tonight was fun. I got thrown a surprise going away party by the three bestest friends in the world. There were a couple bad moments and one bad location-triggered flashback, but all in all it was a fun night. It was especially nice seeing James and Lauren, because I haven't gotten to see them in a LONG time.

I'm overly hormonal right now, which is weird because it's the wrong time of month for it. I should be over it by now. But man, tonight it was all I could do to push those thoughts aside and just have fun. I'm not really sure what I want- or whether I even really want it or whether it's just my hormones talking - and until I figure it out I damn well better keep those feelings to myself. It wouldn't be fair to the other person and I don't want to do anything to jeapordize the friendship, especially since it means so much to me. Still, whenever I see the person now those annoyingly distracting tingles and urges are hitting me out of nowhere, because I KNOW they weren't there before.

I just don't trust myself to know what I want in that department yet and it's frustrating me to no end. History has proven me to be a bad decision-maker when it comes to romance and I don't know what to do or change to fix it. I guess what I'm waiting for is a strong, interested and interesting man to show me the way. Sadly, I shouldn't be doing that. I should be finding the way for myself. I'm just completely clueless as to how.

posted by Nikki at 2:13 AM

I love my friends, but there are times when I don't think they understand some of the things I'm going through. This office building stuff is tough shit. And I'm totally stressed out about it. But I don't know anyone I can talk to about it, except for people at work. And I really don't want to do that.

It's hard because it's almost impossible to describe what I do for work, since I literally do a little bit of everything. There are no rules or procedures to follow - I make them up as I go. A lot of what I'm doing has never been done by anyone in my company before. How do you categorize and describe that? And how do you put forth your feelings about all of it? The only thing I can say is that it's hard, but that doesn't even come close to really describing it.

There's so much responsibility involved. And my lack of experience is wearing me down. I have to keep on my toes about everything - and on top of all this I still have to do my "regular" job. It's just me and my boss, so I have no one to turn to to help me pick up the slack. At the same time my boss is turning to me to pick up her slack which, of course, is what I'm technically there for. Let's not forget, in job responsibility terms, I'm my boss' assistant. Even if my official title is now Program Coordinator. (I don't even know what a Program Coordinator does, although I'm pretty sure it's not what I'm doing.)

Along with the stress, though, is a feeling of pride in getting to create something that is a basis for the future of our company. It's the responsibility of all that, though, that's making it so tough. There are a lot of Very Important People looking to me to make sure the job gets done well, within a reasonable budget, and on time (which we're already three weeks behind).

Anyway, as I was saying, I love my friends, but I think I need to branch out and find more friends in the corporate arena. It doesn't help that I try to keep my personal life as far away as possible from my work life. But the lack of someone to lean on in this part of my life is really beginning to take it's toll on my health and my sanity.

posted by Nikki at 1:32 AM

Happy post-Turkey Day.

I'm tired off my ass right now. It's just before 2am, I haven't packed yet, and there's a flight leaving at 11am with my name on it. Not to mention the few hours spent at Mike's Christmas party tonight AND the concert I sang at tonight. It's been a very long day. And I still have clothes in the washer and dryer.

I was going to say more, but now I'm too tired. Screw it. Till next time...

posted by Nikki at 1:54 AM