I'm not incompetent. It's just that every day I find something else I can't do or mess up or forget about. The game is gone and I'm not sure I want it back.

posted by Nikki at 10:28 PM

Cross posting... because I'm riding a wave of obliviousness right now...

Sometimes I just want to slug myself and say Damnit bitch. Don't you know how good you've got it? Get off your high horse, stop wasting your time and other people's time, and go do something worthwhile with your sorry ass. And stop feeling sorry for yourself. The only ones who should be sorry are all the people who put up with your shit.

posted by Nikki at 11:23 PM

I miss my friends.

We don't spend nearly as much time together as I'd like. I miss having someone I can just call to hang out at the last minute. All my friends live too far and are busy with their own lives. The last time I had a friend like that... besides while being at UCLA because that doesn't count since we were all stuck there... was Cindy, back in high school. Cindy was my second "best" friend in high school after my first best friend switched to a public school. Sadly, our lives don't mesh well anymore since she had a baby. Ironically, my first best friend also had a baby a couple years ago. What does that say about me?

I get so jealous of people who know what they want to do with their lives. I wish I could be like them.
posted by Nikki at 11:04 PM

It's freeeeeeeeeeezing in this house. I'm just as bad at turning on the heater as my parents are at turning on the a/c.

It's Friday night and like usual I'm sleepy and tired, but still awake.

There's still that lingering wish for a certain person to show up on my doorstep with this sad look in his eyes and then kiss me when I give him a "what's wrong?" hug. Boo. Go away. I don't want you. Or else deliver and get it over with already.

The cold is putting me to sleep. I think I'll go now.

posted by Nikki at 1:46 AM

My room is a mess. A huge disgusting mess. I just dropped a pill - yeah, that one - and now I can't find it. Oh well. It's not like I'm using it for that reason anyway.

I miss having more close friends. I've lost a few in the last couple years. And a few more in the years before that. It makes for a lot emptiness sometimes.

posted by Nikki at 11:55 PM

I was supposed to do some homework tonight. Guess not. I was also supposed to watch Supersize Me tonight. Guess not. Oh yeah. And I was also supposed to do a load of laundry tonight. Guess not again.

What did I accomplish? Oil changed the car. Got new windshield wipers that will hopefully last through my first East Coast winter. Got Woolite for the load of laundry I didn't do tonight. Made a sammich for dinner. Ate some Ben & Jerry's that had melted and re-frozen during the weekend blackout. Cleansed the wounded toe. Had an adventure trying to make an international call to Portugal without knowing our phone has no long distance carrier. Wasted time online.

Talked to Garrett and Randolf for a long time at work today. It was fun. Randolf made a good point saying how sad it was that we talked about this one video game for almost a half hour. Haha. And it was also sad that we pretty much had the same answers to questions we posed. I miss that dork of a boy. And after talking to Garrett about constellations the other night I'm wishing I could go stargazing. Of course, with all the flooding we're expecting this week that's highly unlikely.

There are a lot of things I used to be so into when I was younger. It makes me kind of sad to realize how much of it I'd forgotten. The thing is, I'm still interested in those things, but other things have come along and pushed them into the hidden recesses of my life. I really want to pull some of them back out again - like my interest in astronomy and space science. I used to be so passionate about it that I actually read huge chunks of our encyclopedia when I felt my 8th grade physical science class didn't cover enough about the galaxy and how it works. I never went so far as to think I could be an astronaut when I grew up, but I did want to work for NASA. Little did I know how lazy I'd turn out to be, thereby making that not-goal null and void. Of course, whenever a science category turns up on Jeapordy I can usually rule the board, much to the surprise of my mom. Does she think I learned nothing while growing up?

Anyway... I'm sort of wiling away my time for the next couple weeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like I've fallen into the homesickness funk even though I'm still at home. Although, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm the only one at home. And the fact that it's supposed to rain 3-4 inches overnight tomorrow.

Something's gotten me incredibly wussy lately. I've been so afraid about something bad happening to me that I've been ultra-conservative in everything, from my driving to my spending to what I eat for lunch. I suppose it's all a good thing, but the reason for it isn't. I feel more responsible at the moment (considering all that's gone on in the 72 hours my parents have been gone) and if something were to happen to me no one would be able to look after the things I'm supposed to be looking after in their place. It's as if I don't care what happens to me when someone's here to cover the job, but now that there isn't I feel like it'll be my fault if I'm not able to take care of it - for whatever reason. Eh. I'm confusing myself again.

Basically, it's all left me afraid to drive in the rain. Afraid to leave the house if the power goes out. Afraid to be out alone after dark. Afraid to be alone in after dark. And afraid of some insubstantial "thing" that's "out there" that might come and get me. Yes, I guess I'm afraid of the boogy man.

Ugh. This is all so not me. What happened?

posted by Nikki at 11:14 PM

There's a lot jumbled on my mind right now. I love my friends. I wish there was someone else staying with me right now. The three day weekend apparently was not enough of a break. I'm half wishing a certain friend will a get job and be able to move with me. And I'm half wishing I don't get offered enough so I can quit and take a few months off from working. I feel bad for wanting/needing a break when I've only been working in the real world for two years and I've spent the last one working at a job I love.

Speaking of love... I have very serious doubts about whether I will ever be able to give that emotion to someone other than relatives and my closest friends. And I worry that because of it I'll confuse romantic love with the kind of love I have for my friends/family, or vice versa, and will end up losing a friend because of it.

For the first time in my life I mind being alone.

There's someone I've sort of been developing feelings for over the past few years. It's been slow and for the longest time I told everyone he's someone I could like, but don't necessarily like. And it's true that I don't have an active interest in him. It's just that the more I find out about the person the more I like what I see, which is what scares me because I've said that before and obviously it didn't work out well. Also, like before, I still don't think now is the time for me to act on any feelings I have because I don't trust them. So now I find myself both fighting off the feelings, trying to convince myself that it's nothing, and dreaming (both during the day and night) about stupid sappy things that could happen. I wonder, though, is it better to try to deal with the feelings, which means admitting they're real and leads me towards dangerous ground, or just try to squash them so I don't find that dangerous ground?

The thing is, I don't want anything to happen. Yet I find myself inexplicably drawn to the person whenever we're in the same place together. I'm hyper-aware of where he is and who he's talking to and how he's feeling which, when typed out like that, makes me sound like a stalker. That's gross and scary. Anyway, I'm unconsciously drawn to him while at the same time I consciously try to talk to other people, so that no one will notice how weird I'm being right now and so I won't have to admit anything to myself.

It's all making me very confused.

posted by Nikki at 10:42 PM

The grass is always greener. I wanted what she has. Yes, I'm happy for her but at the same time I'm jealous.

She deserves it and I hope everything works out well. I don't want to say anything to her to spoil it or jinx it or encourage her in either direction.

Our talk today made me realize how jaded I am.

But I want it too. It's been a long time. Sadly, I think I'm still hurting from the last time. That doesn't mean I can't wish for it, though.

I keep having this thought, but simultaneously I try to stop myself from having it. Because I don't want it to not come true because I'm having it, while at the same time I don't want to get my expectations up. I also think I'm being unrealistic and exaggerating and putting myself in a position that doesn't exist.

Self-preservation. It will be the death of me.

posted by Nikki at 1:42 AM

LiveJournal re-post: Options

It feels like my life is one big chess game. One of your opponent's pieces changes position and then everything about your plan has to be altered so you can stay ahead- or in my case, so you can catch up.

Pieces of the game: Mom's employment status, dad's employment status, NAMIC's salary offer, my desire to move, my desire to keep my job, my "plan for the future", and The Unknown.

My dad was recently told he'd be laid off at the end of October. His company is moving from San Pedro to Port Hueneme up in Oxnard. The company up in Oxnard offered him a job where he'd be making $2,000 less per year. He'd have to live in Oxnard Monday through Friday and they aren't including any sort of housing subsidy. He thinks he has to take it because no one else will offer him a job- or at least, a job that makes nearly the same amount of money (in writing) that he's currently making. In my opinion, he'd be making a lot less than $2,000/year less than what he's currently getting when you consider he now has to pay for a place to live and for gas to drive down to OC every weekend. Then you have to consider... what about my parent's marriage? I know they've spent months apart before while he was working on the ship, but what about now? How will it be only going home for two nights a week? What about my mom? If I move to New York, she'll be the only one in this huge old house. They're practically at retirement age. Is this something they want to do now? But I think my dad feels trapped. He's not accepting that there are other options out there for him and he's not willing to negotiate with this company that offered him a job. He thinks they're doing him a favor.

My mom's hospital recently hired a horrible CEO. He's either fired or caused enough people to quit to make my mom the only person left in her entire department. She was thinking about quitting, too, but decided to turn down the offers given to her by a couple of other hospitals. She's still not sure whether she's keeping this job, though, because they told her she couldn't take two weeks off at the end of this month to go to Europe since she was already gone for so long from her back surgery. Her initial plan was to quit so she can go to Europe and then get a new job. But now that she's turned down those job offers, who knows whether she'll have a job to come back to after coming back from Europe (because she is definitely going to Europe). Of course, she knows she has options. She's never had a problem getting a job and she knows it- even if the benefits end up being worse than previous ones.

During my review last week I pointed out to my boss that I can't sign a lease on an apartment until I know how much I'm going to be making in New York. In order for me to move by January, I have to sign a lease sometime in the first week of November- which is obviously not something she'd thought about based on her reaction. I told her that if I make $45,000/year I can afford an $800/mo apartment. If I make $50,000 per year, I may be able to afford an $1,100/mo apartment- although, this was kind of stretching based on the budget I drew up. From my recent trip to New York, I know that there is NO WAY I can find a decent place on my own for less than $1,300/mo. From what my boss told me, though, it doesn't sound like they can offer me anything higher than $45,000- and that's a stretch for them- although she says she's going to work on it. It also sounds like the position she wants to "hire" me for (after I go through the whole application process like everyone else) is an assistant to two directors. This isn't quite what I had in mind, but I can live with it so long as I have a decent salary and I know that it will get me somewhere in the future. However, I'm starting to think that they can't pay me enough to move.

Anyone who's been reading these extra long posts knows that I'm not particularly excited about moving to New York. I'm only considering it because I love my job so much. I'm also slightly afraid that I'll never be able to find another one in the L.A./O.C. area that I love as much. If they decided to keep the office here I'd be extremely happy- although I'd really like to find my own place to live at that point.

There are a lot of things I like about this job. I like that every day I go into work there's a higher cause than just pushing paper to earn money. I (usually) like that I get to travel. I like getting free stuff, like tickets to concert tapings. I like the people I work with. I like the people I get to meet. I like that this job has opened doors for future opportunities, just by the fact that I've gotten to know the people who are in the position to hire me at other companies. I like that the hours are flexible and that the office atmosphere is relaxed. I like that I'm getting paid a pretty decent salary for a non-profit executive assistant position. All these things are the reasons why I'm willing to move across country to keep my job.

Tonight, after Mom told me about Dad's job offer I sat on my piano bench and seriously thought, for the first time, what I'd do if I quit my job to stay here. I still don't know what I want out of the future. I know I'd like to stay on the fringes of the entertainment industry. I know I'd like to work for more non-profits, as long as they're well managed and I believe in their cause. I know I'm still at a point in my life where I'd like the option to travel. But I don't know what my next step would be. Should I get another job, probably one up in L.A., that I'd have to commute for? Should I take some time off and apply for grad school earlier than planned? If I do that, what should I apply for? Where should I go? And once I graduate, will I be able to work my way back into the industry? My current status in the industry was a fluke. It's a lot harder to get in when you're actually trying to get in. One of my biggest problems is that I just don't know. If I knew what I wanted I could make a clear plan to get it. If I could decide, once and for all, that I wanted to be a doctor or a teacher or, hell, even a rockstar I'd know what I need to do tomorrow to get there. But since I'm practically clueless I find myself with too many what if's. In other words, there are too many options for me right now.

Who knows what's going to happen in the future. I could (I can only pray) win the lotto tomorrow and a lot of this wouldn't matter. Something (God forbid) horrible could also happen and plans would have to be changed again. Of course, I've got enough on my chess board to worry about at the moment, so The Unknown isn't a really big consideration. It's like the pawn, who can be an essential piece, but usually just sits there as a place holder.

So basically, I'm incredibly confused. It seems like the only thing I can do is wait and see what happens. I have to wait and see what salary I'm offered. I have to wait and see what my dad chooses to do. I don't think I can leave my mom all alone in this house, especially after what she's gone through this past year. If my dad chooses to go up to Oxnard, it's going to put a big weight towards staying at home. Other people have siblings they can rely on to help in cases like these. I only have me and my extended family. And since they are extended family, my parents are my responsibility first and foremost. As much as I may rebel against that fact, it is a fact and I'm going to have to learn to deal with it sometime soon. It isn't something I can have daydreams about and wish the situation were different, because it's not something winning the lotto or getting a good salary can change.

I just don't want to be in the position, however many years down the line, where I resent my parents for any sacrifice I make on their behalf. (It's sort of the same reason I don't want a bf right now, because I'm not willing to sacrifice anything to make time for one. And if I happen to meet someone I like that much, I don't want to resent them for missing out on things I put aside to be with them.) Yes, I know, these are major issues. I shouldn't resent anything I sacrifice for my parents since they sacrificed so much for me. But that's just the way I am. I really am a spoiled brat who has to fight against the thought that the world revolves around me. And unless anyone can tell me something constructive to do, the only thing I can think to do right now is pray. Because I don't have any answers and I don't think there's anything I can actually do to make things go my way, except wait and see.

Although, I am just about desperate enough to say... Help...???

posted by Nikki at 10:57 PM