If I thought people cared, I'd give the following advice:

Don't discourage yourself from doing what make will truly make you happy.

It's never too late to start over.

It's better to try than to regret.

Listen to other people's advice, but heed yourself.

Don't feel guilty for taking a day off or treating yourself every once in a while. You deserve it.

posted by Nikki at 10:55 PM

I've been watching hurricane coverage practically non-stop for the past eight hours. Something about hurricanes rivets me to the TV and internet. Maybe it's the fact that I once said I'd rather be in a hurricane than an earthquake, so I'm trying to see if that's true or not. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm so stuck on tragedy.

Anyway, I had some random anecdotes from New York that I wanted to post on LJ, but other topics kept getting in the way. So here are my leftovers...

While walking back from breakfast at Blue Fin in Times Square, Marsha and I spotted this Chinese FOB lady walking down the street with her head alternating from a inside a book to craning up, up and away. Her arms were straight out in front of her as she held up the book and spoke to the three other Chinese people behind her. The book: New York City for Dummies. We couldn't help it. Marsha and I just busted up laughing. We felt like we were on candid camera or something and started looking for the film crews. Sadly, there were none.

In a year and a half, I've somehow turned into a Gold-level Starwood Preferred Guest. This means that I get an automatic upgrade, if available, whenever I check in to a Westin, Sheraton, or other Starwood hotel. I also get access to the Club lounge and free food for breakfast and evening hors d'euvres. When you think about it, it's kind of sad that I've traveled this much in such a short period of time. But hey, perks are fun to have!

On Friday morning, I had to drive from East Rutherford, NJ to JFK. My flight didn't leave until 10:50am, but I DID NOT want to get stuck in Manhattan traffic (I had to cross two tunnels and the entire midtown section of the city), so I left at 5:30am. The sun didn't even start coming up until I was driving through BROOKLYN. That's how little traffic I hit. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry that I got to the airport in 45 minutes, leaving me three hours with nothing to do in an airport. I really need to get a wi-fi card for my laptop. At least I could've gone online for free if I'd had one... (I love Jet Blue.)

After eight hours of driving through New Jersey and New York boroughs, I think I've found where I want to live. I also have a second choice, of sorts. It's WAY down below my first choice, but I guess I could do it if I have to. The problem is that my first choice is extremely expensive. And the fact that I don't want a roommate makes it even harder. If I had a roommate, I could sub-lease a 2br/2ba condo in Jersey City for $2,000 a month. This includes all utilities, a 24-hour doorman, gym, in-unit washer/dryer, etc etc. Sheesh! Anyway, the places I want are pretty much the same... and actually, when I think about it, my first choice (though it's completely out of my budget) has the same and more amenities and costs $2,000 a month for a one bedroom. Heh. I'm such a spoiled princess.

Anyway, I made up a list of priorities for my apartment (you'll see the reason I'm a princess):
1) in a safe neighborhood for a 25 year-old woman who's living alone and commuting to work
2) walking distance to a PATH station
3) walking distance to a grocery store (for those cold winter nights)
4) near either (or both is even better) a Barnes & Noble or Best Buy
5) near either a Wal-Mart or Target (I'm such a stereotypical American consumer)
6) is cable/satellite tv and high-speed internet wired
7) has central A/C and heat - or is at least in every room
8) has parking (indoor is even better) - What? You think I'd move without my car? I'm a California girl. There's no way I can survive anywhere for longer than a month without a car. I'd be like Captain Jack Sparrow without the Black Pearl if I didn't have my car.
9) has a washer/dryer in-unit - or at least in the building
10) is less than 45 minutes from Penn Station and within my miniscule budget

HA. I'm never going to find a place with those standards. It's just like my search for a perfect guy: they don't exist.

posted by Nikki at 3:21 AM

A good friend of mine recently lost his youngest sister. She was going to be a second year at UCLA this year. She died right before school started. The scary thing is that they still don't know why she died. From what I was told she got sick one day, was in the hospital for a week, and ended up on life support. They had to make the decision to take her off life support because she was essentially already gone.

Can you imagine how her parents feel? How her sister and brother feel? Your parents bring you into life and, in a case like this, decide to take you out of it. Not that they had much of a choice, but I'm sure the decision is still killing them.

It's a horrible tragedy. And if she died from what they think she may have died from, she's become a statistic. It's awful.

How do you help people in cases like this? I know the standard answer is "be there for them." But how? There really is nothing you can do, aside from praying and maybe donating money for the funeral. Sure, you can sit there and watch them cry or try not to cry, as the case may be, but is that really helping? Does it really help to ask them whether they want to talk about it? I know it helps if you're the ear who sits and listens when they finally feel up to talking it out, if that ever happens, but only one person in the world usually ends up doing this. If you're not that person, what's left for you to do?

When Cindy died her family was great- or as great as you can be when you lose a 21 year old family member. They didn't have the time to say goodbye. One night she was having dinner with her best friend, the next morning she was gone. But her family and friends fueled their entire grieving process into remembering the great things she did while she was alive. They remembered her smiles and her hugs. They didn't dwell on the fact that she died so tragically. To this day, a year and a half later, I'm still in awe of this. It's easy to remember the good things of a person who's lived a long life. But when you lose someone that young you tend to dwell on the loss and not the life.

I wish my friend's family could do the same as Cindy's family. I wish they could remember all the times she made them laugh or smile. All the times she made them proud. Even all the times she made them cry, because it was during these times that she was alive and healthy and doing everything she should have been doing to experience her life. I wish they (and I) could see her years as time lived and not time lost.

As for me, I've avoided talking about how I feel. It seems selfish. But in reality I'm slightly shocked and scared. Any death reminds you of your mortality. The death of someone near your age who is also the sibling of a good friend hits you harder. I thought to myself how I'd feel if the same thing happened to Tam-tam or Tiffany or Steffie (knock on wood). I'd be devastated. I know I'd lose it. I know I'd focus on all the wrong things. I wouldn't want my friends to be near. Knowing how I am, I'd wall myself into this tiny corner and not let anyone get in. It's the exact opposite of what you should do. And one of the things I'm afraid of is this exact thing happening to my friend. I have few friends now as it is, I don't want to lose a good one like him. He's too good a person to lose that way.

I feel guilty when an hour goes by and I don't think of them. She wasn't my sister, or even my friend because I never met her, but I still feel like I shouldn't be out at festivals or playing video games. I feel like I should be grieving too. And in a way, I am. Not for myself, but for my friend and his family.

Anyway, he and his family are in my thoughts and prayers. It's as much as I'm able to do at the moment. And though I don't think it's enough, I hope it helps.

posted by Nikki at 11:09 PM

My biggest goal in life is to be happy. My second goal is to help people. Sadly, I can never help in the way I wish I could.

I'm a supporter, not a motivator. I give moral support and factual advice and sometimes a physical hand, but I don't have the capacity for emotional support. Maybe it's because I can't help myself emotionally, but for whatever reason I have no clue what to do or say. So when things like this happen, I stumble over myself, never sure whether I'm helping more or hindering.

I hate feeling incompetent.

posted by Nikki at 9:49 PM

One minute you're bitching and whining about your horrible day at work, where you were so busy you wanted to scream, then the next minute you get news that makes your day seem like all you did was sleep and eat ice cream and cake.

I'm sad. And I feel helpless. There's really nothing anyone can do, except be there. And pray. I might not go to church very often, but I do believe in the power of prayer. Although, I'm sure they prayed a lot too and that obviously didn't help them.

Life can be so unfair. I understood when my grandpa died. It was his time. I even kind of understood when Cindy died. She may have been 21, but she accomplished a lot in her time. I can't understand this. Maybe sometime later I will, but not now. Maybe it will be like when Uncle Gideon and Auntie Alfie died. I didn't understand it right away, and I only slightly understand it now, but God gave them something (or actually, someone) to help. *sigh*

Why?

posted by Nikki at 8:57 PM

I like Ella Fitzgerald.

Why is there never enough time in the day to do everything we want? If I did everything I wanted to do in one day I'd need almost three days. Makes you wish you had a time turner. Or that you had Evie's powers.

Tonight I created a resume for my dad. First, I realized how bad his English grammar is. Then I realized how bad my English grammer is for ending a sentence with a verb. Second, I realized how much I've learned about writing in the active voice. Third, I realized I know a lot about writing resumes. I'm not sure whether to consider that a good or bad thing for a 25 year old.

Both my parents are looking for new jobs right now. They're going to Spain and Portugal at the end of October and they're both looking to have a different job to come back to on November 1st. That's kind of scary. I guess they can do it now that I've graduated. But they still have bills and a mortgage, etc. I'd be worried off my ass if I were them... yet they're still fleeing the country. I wish I could go with them. Sometimes I think I'm too responsible for my own good.

On that note, it's time to get ready for bed. I'm so tired I hurt.

posted by Nikki at 11:47 PM

I think I am officially romantically dead inside.

Recently, I discovered that I have a lot in common with someone. More than I've had with any guy I've met in the last four years. Now, it could just be a chemistry thing, but I felt nothing. No spark. Not even the slightest bit of interest, aside from thinking he'd be a great pseudo-date for all those things I like to do on free evenings. Which, I agree, is completely sad and mean of me.

Back in the day, a discovery like this would at least have me flirting a bit. There would be no self-doubt about unintentionally leading him on. I'd have no reservations about messing around and having some fun. Maybe it's a sign of growing old (excuse me, maturity), but I think I'm becoming a conservative old fart. For someone who just turned 25 that's pretty pathetic.

I've come to terms with a few things in the last year...

One of them is that I don't like alcohol. Sure, I still drink, but not often and not a lot. I NEVER social drink anymore. If I drink at all it's because whatever I'm drinking tastes good, not because I feel the need to have a drink in my hand. I'm also not above ordering a Shirley Temple at business functions.

Another thing I've learned is that I don't like scary movies and I don't like gory movies and I don't like hardcore action movies. I like family movies. And comedies. And some romance movies. So if I have a shelf full of 13 Going On 30s, so what? I don't give a damn what impression that gives to other people. It's what I like.

I've also learned that I don't need drugs. I've felt like shit for about 35-40% of my life. And by shit I mean, depressed as hell. The kind of depression that has you wishing for a jet engine to come crashing out of the sky and land on top of you in your sleep. During some of those times I wished I had a joint... or something... to numb it all. Well, once I tried it I realized that I don't like it. No matter how much I might wish I for it, I don't really want it. So now I figure, if I don't want it I don't need it. No one can tempt me by throwing it right under my nose and saying "here, take a hit!" In fact, that'd probably make me gag considering how stinky that shit is.

So where was I going with this?

My point is that I'm turning into my mom. And your mom and that person's mom, for that matter. I feel no need to go out of my way to impress anyone. I've learned my likes and dislikes and I'm not ashamed of them. For some inane reason, though, all this knowledge has left me numb and feeling like a traitor to my age group. I've accepted a lot of things about myself, but I somehow can't accept a guy, or the potential for a date or even the excitement of having a romantic social life, into my life.

When someone mentions a bf all I want to do is stick out my tongue at them. The thought of a bf feels like a death sentence. Even when I meet someone who is caring, responsible, mature, has a good sense of humor, is not a mass murderer, and has things in common with me I feel nothing. I could justify this with the lack of chemistry thing. But I know that's not true. It's just me. I'm dead inside. That's all there is to it.

posted by Nikki at 11:29 PM

Three has always been my favorite (and lucky) number.

The first 45 minutes of today, so far, have been GREAT. Well, except for the big ugly ass spider I found in my bed. But that's dead now.

This week has been incredibly fun. A great way to end two four and begin two five. So (in the words of James) bring it!

posted by Nikki at 12:46 AM

I have a friend who's got the most awesome singing voice. And I'm not kidding when I say that every time he sings I want him. WANT HIM want him. It doesn't matter if he's singing some punked out classically based song that he wrote or Miss Saigon or just plain freestylin'. I WANT HIM. The thing that makes it even better is that I know him. He's talented, smart, thoughtful and humble. Which, put together, are all the reasons why I like him but will never think of actually trying something with him. Because he's on a completely different plane from me. So I will watch. And scream. And cheer. And buy his band's CDs. Because they will be big one day soon. Oh yes they will.

Tonight's event, though, was Suburban Legends. What an awesome show. The thing that makes them so great, besides the good music, is that they all have fun while on stage. They all dance, sing and make cheesy faces at the audience. The only piece of constructive criticism I can give them is to play to the people in the back of the room more often. I was standing right near the front of the stage tonight and I felt like we had way too much of their attention. I felt bad for the people in the back. But yes. You should watch Suburban Legends. Preferably live. Because there's nothing like watching Aaron's come-get-me-I'm-pure-sex faces, Vince's awesome hip shakin', Dallas' dazzling gymnastics, and Brian Klemm's pretty pretty eyes.

My birthday is in twenty four hours. Weee! I'll be old enough to rent a car without paying a young driver fee. In twenty four hours, I wish to stop aging. Ha.

posted by Nikki at 12:06 AM