My dreams have been getting more vivid, and a bit more full of adult content, lately. I don't know what it is, but I kinda like it... Until I wake up.

The pile of laundry in my closet is literally over two feet high. I haven't done laundry in a month almost. How sad. And if I don't do it on Thursday night, I won't have any clean clothes for...

MY BIRTHDAY! Woohoo!

I feel like I've stretched this year's celebration out to last a few weeks. Heh. Happy birthday to me!

posted by Nikki at 10:30 PM

Oh yeah! I remember now.

If you listen to my horoscope, I'm supposedly coming into one of the best month's I've had in my 24 years. I don't know if it's self-fullfilling or not, but it seems to be true. I don't want to say too much for fear of jinxing myself, but things are starting to look up. Part of it may be my attitude, which has hit the wall of "let's just do it and see where it takes us". And part of it may be that summer is ending and people are trying to stock up on summer fun-ness before winter hits. Or maybe it's just that I'm open to noticing it all right now. But for whatever reason, I think this is gonna be a good month.

Yay!

posted by Nikki at 12:18 AM

I should've been asleep over an hour ago, but the writer in me has been running it's mouth off lately, so here I am.

And then I draw a blank.

Oh well. I guess I should get to sleep anyway. Damn.

posted by Nikki at 12:16 AM

Here's a visual for you: I'm currently sitting in front of my computer with my top off because I'm so sunburned that it hurts to wear clothing. Ouch. For some reason, it also hurts to put on the aloe vera, although it feels nice once it's on. I've only used about a third of the bottle in the last 24 hours... The good thing is that my parents did not notice the 3rd degree burns I received yesterday. Thank God for busy weekends and houseguests. I am not in the mood to hear "I told you so" from my mother.


Yesterday morning, as I was running out the door...

Mother: Did you put on sunscreen?

Me: No (While holding the front door wide open)

Mother: Bring some with you! You're going to be outside all day.

Me: I'm in a hurry. Bye! (Door slams.)


Famous last words... Lesson: Always listen to your mother.

Note to self: Always use sunscreen when going to a Ren Faire!

The funny thing, though, is that there's this tiny spot on my chest (right below where my clavicles meet) that is not sunburned. It's about the size of your fingertip. And it's from the plumeria pendant that I always wear. So if the pendant happens to be out of place, you'll see this tiny white spot in the middle of a sea of red. That'll make for a great tan line...

Yesterday I got an email from Mt. High, advertising this year's season pass pre-sale. I'm just that stupid that I really want to go snowboarding again. (In case you don't know, I idiotically fucked up my knee last December 27 while boarding out-of-shape in icy conditions.) Sadly, I'm going to completely miss the season this year since I'm moving to fucking New England. But it made me think... I really shouldn't get on a board until I've rehabbed my knee. So I should really start heading to the gym again regularly. But I need someone to motivate me. To tell me to take it slow and easy. And to yell at me when I start to set the machine at 40 pounds instead of 10.

See, here's my problem. I hate taking things slow and easy when it comes to working out. It seems pointless to sit with this big rubber band thing and flex my foot back and forth when I could sit at a machine, set it to X pounds, and sweat away. The bad trait I've worked on the most in the last five years is patience. Apparently, patience hasn't accepted me in the work out arena. My brain still thinks I can do all the things I used to do back in high school. My body knows better. But my brain refuses to listen to my body, which is probably why my body gave out on me last December.

I hate growing old.

posted by Nikki at 11:40 PM

One of the things I love about Blogger is that I don't feel responsible for other people's boredom. I could ramble on forever when typing these posts. And sometimes I do. So when I ramble on LJ I feel bad for my friends who get stuck with this long, aimless post on their friends page. Thankfully, that's not a problem I have here. So now I feel content to ramble to my heart's desire...

What is it with days where you just can't decide what you feel like doing? It's great to have the luxury of sitting on your ass all day, but sitting on your ass all day and staring at the wall is kind of sad. And not just sad, but it seems like such a waste of time. There are a whole LOT of things I could and most definitely should be doing right now. And during the past few days I told myself I'd work out, pick up some bathroom things from Wal-Mart, watch a movie, or go hang with some long lost friends. But now that the time has come I'm sitting on my ass staring at the wall. Or the ceiling actually, since I'm just lying on my bed. I think boredom has set in like mildew in the caulk between the tiles in your shower after it hasn't been 409'd in a few years. Oh wait, that sounds like my shower.

I digress.

My dreams have been screaming at me lately. They've made me feel better, but also somewhat anxious. I feel like they're promising me something, something that I didn't want to acknowledge wanting as much as I do. Only now I don't know what to do. Do I sit and wait for it to happen? Or am I supposed to go out there and do something about it? I guess the obvious answer is the latter. But I'm efficiently lazy, so I'll most likely put it off. As I've been doing for the past few years.

I feel like my mom is starting to push me a bit in the bf department. I think she's worried I'm never going to get married or something. Or maybe she's just worried about me being happy, which I guess is her job as a mother. But what she doesn't know is that I have issues. Major issues. And no guy is going to be able to swoop in and make them disappear as if they never existed. That's something I need to care of myself - before any guy comes along. I just don't quite know how to do that yet. In the meantime, though, I'm gonna keep on running and slinking away like I have been for the past eight years or so. It's not fair to subject any guy to my issues until I've been able to work them out.

Can someone explain how you get sick while spending the entire day out in the sun? Ever since yesterday afternoon I've had a headache, sore muscles, a sore throat, and one hell of a runny nose. It makes no sense. Maybe I'm in need of a Claritin. Or a good massage. Although, that probably won't go well with the sunburn.

Okay, I'll let you off the hook by stopping now. Thank you if you actually read this far. Although, I highly doubt anyone still reads these posts. That's why I like it here. It's like my quiet, happy place. *sigh*

posted by Nikki at 4:36 PM

I should've been asleep a long time ago. But I just watched one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. CAMP. Watch it. It was awesome.

So was going to apply for this fellowship program... but talked myself out of it this afternoon.

Reasons to do it:
1) It'll help me decide whether I want an MBA
2) It'll help me decide what I want an MBA for
3) It'll help me decide how I want to focus an MBA
4) It'll help me get into grad school for an MBA
5) It's a good program that's well-known in the right circles
6) It would be a great experience

Reasons to not do it:
1) I'm moving to New York half way through the program
2) The app is due in four days and I haven't started yet
3) My boss is leaving in one and a half days - and I need a letter of rec from her
4) They need official transcripts - which I'd have to order and pay for
5) I'd have to write four essays in four days - or one night if you count the time I have available to do it
6) I don't know who'd write the second letter of rec

So that's why I talked myself out of it. The stress incurred just wouldn't be countered by the benefits, especially if I have to worry about flying back to LA once a month for the first five months after I move.

*sigh* I'm sure there are other programs... maybe...

posted by Nikki at 11:33 PM

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
Wow those 16 year old gold medalists. Damn. When she said "you dream of it for your entire career" I was thinking... Career?! She's only 16! How can she say anything about having a career? Yeesh.

When I was little I begged, pleaded, and plotted to be able to take ice skating lessons. Before my mom would even think about taking me seriously I had to find a rink, tell her how much it would cost, and show her when and where the lessons were. Kristi Yamaguchi will always be my skating idol and mentor-that-I-never-met, but it was Debbie Thomas in 1988 who made me want to spin and jump on ice. Because of them- and Michelle Kwan who is sadly younger than me- I skated for eight years.

I also wanted to do gymnastics. Ever since watching Mary Lou Retton win the Olympics when I was four years old I'd wanted to be able to swing and fly on the uneven bars. But I was never able to find out about gymnastics lessons, because unlike an ice rink, you don't have birthday parties or girl scout troop parties in gyms. So even though I eventually found a gymnastics center, I was never able to find out about lessons or how to get started. And by the time I was old enough to know how to get that information I was too old to start taking lessons... even if I was only eleven years old. It made me sad.

When I think about it, my parents aren't very athletic people. I think they just don't get it, my mom especially. She was always a brainy person. She was Ms. Valedictorian of everything. But if you asked her to walk a mile she'd look at you like you were certifiably nuts. My dad finally became athletic when he was told it was either that or die of a heart attack. Somehow, though, my hyper-active wild-child turned my extra energy into sports, through little encouragement from my parents.

The only things my parents really tried to encourage me with, other than piano, were swimming and tennis. God only knows why, but that was it. Swimming was fun, as long as it wasn't laps. Which basically meant once I learned how to get across the pool and tread water I was through with swimming lessons. Diving was awesome, but I wasn't able to find diving lessons anywhere. Tennis and I have always hated each other. Sadly, my parents still live in some dreamland where I will one day pick up a racket and serve a 100mph ball across the court.

I will never forget the day my coach asked me why he'd never met my parents, after four years of skating. I was too embarassed to say it was because they didn't take my skating seriously. They left it completely up to me. I think they showed up for my first competition and that was it. And I don't think they ever came to a practice. They'd always drop me off and leave or find someone else to drive me until I was able to drive myself. I didn't mind that they weren't at practices, because having them there just made me nervous. But I wish they'd been a bit more supportive. All I can remember is them trying to convince me to stop, even after I'd been doing it for four years. Sometimes I think I'll never understand them.

I still want to be able to fly on the uneven bars. If I was told I had the chance to learn how to swing one complete rotation around the high bar I'd work out three hours a day, seven days a week until I got it. *sigh* It's nice to dream...

posted by Nikki at 12:37 AM

I just spent two hours answering the over 100 emails I'd received in the last four days. AGH. At least it's overtime - since it's Saturday night.

Also, I'm feeling this sort of doubt creep in now. No one's said anything about the website. I don't know if it's because they're too busy or if it's because they don't like it and are just waiting for me to get back before telling me how awful it is.

All I know is I took a look at it again tonight and noticed a couple typos. Damn. I seriously need a new laptop. One that can support Dreamweaver MX and Photoshop CS and has an internal wi-fi card.

Chicago was fun, though. What was even better was NOT GOING ONLINE FOR A WHOLE THREE DAYS. That's a record for me. The only time that happens is when I leave the country to go to third world countries.

Also, hanging out with Randolf and Marie was a lot of fun. I hadn't seen Marie in a few months and the last time I saw her we didn't even get to hang out. And the last time I saw Randolf was over a year ago.

I must admit, though, that Randolf's tenacity impresses me. Med school is a bitch. To know you've wanted it ever since you were an undergrad student, and then to go after it and keep going after it day after 13 hour day is impressive. He may be a nerd, but he's a damn strong one. Lord knows I don't have the hutzpah for that. Shoot, I can't even commit to setting a goal that takes half as much dedication as he has. How sad is that? Anyway, just wanted to say how proud I am to have friends like him. Maybe some of it'll rub off on me...

posted by Nikki at 6:58 PM

Warning: Rant Ahead

This is what I get for sleeping in again this weekend. I should've been asleep two hours ago.

I also told myself I'd lay off the wanna-be romance novels. Gotta kick that habit. Because it's seriously messing up my self-esteem. Every time I read one of them I just wonder why I'm not the girl who's getting the guy. Then I answer myself with a "It's because I'm not .... enough" or "I'm too..." Blech.

Going to Chicago should be fun though. But I hope we actually get to spend time with Randolf. Sucks if he ends up working the entire time we're there. He's one of two people I could ever have a serious conversation about Star Trek with and not feel like a complete loser. I miss our little chats from the old UCLA days. And if I'm completely truthful, I've had the tiniest crush on him since we went to watch whatever Star Trek movie that was back in second year together. *blush* Yes I know, everyone thinks him a nerd, and so do I kinda. But I can't help it if I'm slightly attracted to nerds.

On another note... As much as I hate diets I finally owned up to the fact that since I can't go to the gym until further notice, I've gotta do something about watching what I eat. I swear I'm taking in three times more calories than I'm burning these days. And I think I've become a little obsessed with the 2,000 calorie diet, thinking that if I'm not doing anything active, 1,000 calories should be just about right. Do you know how much food 1,000 calories is? It's a big mac. Actually, it's less than a big mac. WTF. Then you add in the damn Filipino food and you're stuck with carbs up the wazoo- and you realize why I do everything I can do avoid attending our family parties. I figure, everything in moderation. Strive for a well balanced diet. But then the overacheiver in me says, strive for the well balanced SMALLER diet. Then the self-inflicted guilt trips set in. How I can guilt trip myself into thinking that even the calories from FRUIT are bad for me I have no idea. But I will never look at a banana or avocado the same way again. Someone just give me a bushel of apples and a hunk of watermelon and let's call it a day.

posted by Nikki at 12:44 AM

For once, an (extremely long) LiveJournal repost:

Once again I was lost in Barnes & Noble this afternoon/evening. I thought I'd read a little of Just A Geek, Wil Wheaton's new autobiography, to see if I deemed it worth buying, but they didn't have it in stock yet. So instead I decided to track down the short stories of this author who's Scottish romances I've been inhaling recently. Sadly, they only had one of the anthologies with her story in it in stock and it wasn't one of the stories I was hoping to find. I read it anyway, though, and need to remind myself next time to not read things that get me all hot and bothered while sitting in a huge bookstore. *blush*

Then I wandered. And dude... this was wandering at its best.

First I wandered through the romance section, once again, just to be sure I didn't miss what I was looking for the first time through. Then I wandered over to the required summer reading table and the B&N Classics stand. Thought about buying Crime and Punishment. Almost bought Candide. And then almost bought The Count of Monte Cristo. Then I remembered that such a thing as a library existed and put them back. First, though, I read the first few pages of The Canterbury Tales, Brave New World, and The Republic, along with the first few pages of the aforementioned books and a few others, before wandering on. None of the latter, surprisingly, were on any reading list I had throughout my seventeen years of formal education. I've been thinking over the last year or so that as much as "classic" books used to bore me, things have changed and I could use the self-improvement, not to mention knowledge of the perfect over-dinner talk.

So I headed over to the philosophy section after skipping from Dumas to Dostoyevski in the fiction section and realizing that I couldn't remember the name of the author I wanted to find, but knew he was a philosopher. Their philosophy section was kind of small, just two sections of shelves, top to bottom, so I worked my way through. Of course, what really caught my interest was finding a linguistics shelf at the bottom of the philosophy section. Yes, I am that kind of nerd.

It seems weird that the two are related, right? That's exactly what I thought when philosophy 10 was required as part of my linguistics degree. Then I found out that being a logician has as much to do with linguistics as physics does with figure skating. Even though the linguistics shelf was only one shelf, that wasn't even full, I spent almost two HOURS sitting on the floor going through each of the books on it.

It was fun rediscovering the reason why I chose my major. I love learing how languages are related and how they are formed. It's the perfect blend of science and sociology and humanities. And I loved that I understood at least 85% of what I was reading, would have probably even understood more if I wasn't so excited by the simple prospect of using my brain again.

So after wandering through the spirituality section (yes I hit up more after sitting on the floor for so long) I ended up buying two books. LOL. Poor B&N. They give me four hours and I give them $30.

Anyway, on the way home I was thinking...

I really miss using my brain. I miss having mentally stimulating conversation. I miss reading things that are thought provoking as opposed to... otherwise-ly provoking.

And then I remembered...

The first thick book I ever read was Mists of Avalon, which is now one of my most favorite books of all time. I started reading it about a week before leaving for vacation in Hawaii. This was in seventh grade, I think. The book was well over a thousand pages long and for the first couple of days I only got through about 30 pages. Then the story picked up. And picked up some more. I had borrowed it from the library, and it was huge, so I didn't want to take it with me but I couldn't stand the thought of waiting a whole week before finding out how it ended. So I literally spent my last three days before vacation reading with every spare (and not-so-spare) minute I had. I literally finished it the day before our plane left for Maui. Afterwards, I realized what a feat I had accomplished. I'd never read a book that was over a couple hundred pages long, much less over a thousand pages long. And I'd done it in three days. Wow!

And then I remembered...

The first time I ever read a fantasy book was when my seventh grade teacher, Mrs. Greene, asked me if I'd ever read The Crystal Cave trilogy by Mary Stewart. When I told her no she suggested I check it out from the library, because she though I'd like it. She was wrong. I didn't like it, I loved it! In fact, it's the only book I've ever coughed up enough money for to buy a copy of the three-in-one first edition. And this wasn't until seven years after I'd initially read it. I came across a copy in a used bookstore tent at UCLA's Festival of Books and just couldn't resist.

And then I remembered...

I've loved reading practically since I discovered what books were back before I could even read them myself. But until we moved away from my best friend and favorite house when I was 9, I didn't spend half as much time reading as I do now. I much preferred to watch Dukes of Hazard or swim or ride my bike or play Nintendo. But when I had no one left to do those things with, I turned to books. (Much better than an imaginary friend, in my opinion. Although, maybe that's because I'm not creative enough on my own to bring an imaginary friend to life.)

It was through reading from the fourth grade through high school that I learned about sex, safe sex, drugs, the consequences of drugs, Zen Buddhism, spirituality, martial arts, weather patterns and the different types of clouds, King Arthur and his knights, the stars and our solar system, the difference between witchcraft and Wicca, Greek and Roman mythology, forensics, incest, how to blow up a car with a shoelace (you should never let a 14-year-old near a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook), how to drive out of a skid, and what a black hole was, among a myriad of other things.

I don't think I've ever learned about any of these things in a classroom, except for what a condom was, why we should (not- it was a Catholic school) use it, that different types of clouds existed and what the names of the 9 planets are. And at home? Ha. When he was actually home, my dad taught me a few of the basic constellations, after which I was so interested I looked up the rest and even bought myself a star chart, and a bit about geography. From my mom... I learned how to sleep late and wake up even later. And how to fold laundry. Not quite the mental stimulation I was loving from my books. Although, while joining her in the ICU when she was working late, one of the other nurses taught me how to read a basic EKG. Not bad for an eight year old.

So back to the mental stimulation thing...

I miss it. The eight years I spent devouring books before going off to college taught me more than I ever realized. I went from Little Golden Books to Berenstein Bears to Clifford to Ramona to Baby Sitter's Club to Sweet Valley Twins to Nancy Drew to Agatha Christie to HG Wells to Mary Stewart to Marion Zimmer Bradley to Star Trek to Stephen Hawking. It's the reason my best friend in high school and I got along so much (I had the knowledge, she had the experience.) It's the reason I began college not naive so much as inexperienced. It's the reason I became a believer in God and not so much in religion. And it's the reason why I've been so bored off my ass for the last couple years.

Ever since graduation I've been pining away for a semblance of my previous social life and replacing the lack of it with inane romance/pointless-fiction books. Tonight I remembered the excitement of reading something that actually made me think about something other than the opposite sex. It was fun and it's something I'm going to do more often from now on.

Goal set.

posted by Nikki at 10:58 PM

I know, it's late and I shouldn't be on here. But I just gotta get something off my chest.

I'm feeling really left out right now. And I'm sure it's nothing anyone's doing on purpose. Back at UCLA, where I met 98.99999% of the friends I have now, we were all a bunch of busy-bodies. We'd work hard and play harder, sometimes doing both at the same time. Or attempting to do both, anyway. It's just that now that we've almost all graduated, our work isn't with each other. Or rather, my work isn't with them. A lot of them still work with each other on various things, but I'm not in that group of talent. So I guess it just makes sense that since I'm never here I'm rarely asked to hang out anymore. I mean, yeah, I still get the invitation to the big birthday parties (most of them anyway) or the big "reunion" dinners, etc. But when it comes to grabbing a drink and watching a show on a Friday night after work... I'm driving home to go online and read about it the next day instead of answering my phone. Or else I'm flying off to go work in some city where I know practically no one. I guess it's a good thing I've learned to keep my own company.

Sometimes, though, you just miss hanging out with people, you know? Especially with people who already know you and who you don't have to hold any pretenses around. I can't do that with work people. I can't even drink with work people, for fear of getting drunk off my ass and become the next story of the week. And as much as I've tried to make new friends... well, let's just say it hasn't been very successful. I'm not a very sociable person when it comes to meeting new people and getting past the facade.

So, I'm sort of at a loss for what to do. I'd feel really stupid trying to invite myself along to something I wasn't intended to go to. And I know they'd never say no if I asked. So short of yelling out "hey, remember me?" I guess I'm stuck here.

Maybe this is why I'm looking forward to moving. At least once I move I can start over. It's easy to play the new girl card as an excuse to meet new people and go out. It's harder to do that when you've lived in the same area for 22 years and have no excuse for losing the friends you made along the way.
posted by Nikki at 11:39 PM