I can't believe it's the end of July already.

You know the one where you feel left out because you keep finding out plans your friends are making and not inviting you to join in? But they're not all your friends, some are more like acquaintances. Still, aside from your four close friends, they're the only thing you've got. But then it makes sense that you're not invited because when you are invited you're always busy or out of town. Yeah, that one.

Blue moon... You saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart... Without a love of my own
Blue moon... You know just what I'm here for
You hear me saying a prayer for... Someone I really could care for

Note to self: A day like today only comes once every two and a half years or so... so enjoy it.

posted by Nikki at 11:25 AM

Okay, so I told myself I wasn't going to post.  Because let's face it- I need to get a life.  But still, the sudden urge to type just hit me, so here I am.

Tiffany and I got back from Boston yesterday afternoon, after a tiring three days and early mornings and long drives and delayed airplanes and - oh yeah - work.  I hope she had a good time.

I fell in love with Brown.  After taking an impromptu campus tour I realized that if I'd gone on that tour about seven years ago, I probably would be a Brown alumni right now.  I regret not applying.  I don't regret the friends I made at UCLA.  But I do regret that Brown doesn't have a master's program I'm interested in.  It makes me wish I could go back for another B.A. or B.S.  Besides, a master's program is nothing like your undergrad years.  Looking back on it, undergrad was easy.  Cake.  If I'd been more motivated to actually go to class I know I could have graduated Summa Cum Laude.  If only I'd been motivated to go to class.  :)  But I know I learned a hell of a lot more from not going to class, so I don't regret that decision at all.  Except maybe I will when I start filling out those master's program apps.  But for now, I love my years at UCLA and always think of them fondly.  Brown was always my dream school, but now that I've seen it in person it's become more than a dream school.  It's midway between a "what could have been" and a "what I could still have, if only..."  So I guess I'll give it a different place in my dreams... for now.

posted by Nikki at 11:48 AM

It's fucking hot in here.  You would think that I'd have learned my lesson by now.  Staying home = getting sick.  When I stay home I get sneezy and runny nosed and clammy.  But then, it was either stay home and feel gross or go out and feel gross.  But then, if I went out I'd feel gross without having ants all over me.  I hate 75+ degree weather.
 
Should've spent the day in BN with a nice, cold strawberries and cream frap.
 
The discovery of wilwheaton.net has raised my respect level for the guy.  It's shocking to think that Ensign Crusher *laugh* is 30 and married with step-kids.  Until tonight, I still saw him as an amalgam of the kid running down the train tracks with leeches in his pants, the kid in the grey bodysuit who was geeky but cute, and the kid with the machine gun getting blasted on the stairs (I actually cried for that one).  Hah.  Wow, we do all get old someday.
 
And once again I am procrastinating.  Boston plane leaves in about 48 hours.  I just started doing laundry, need to go to the dry cleaners in the morning for a rush job, and of course, I need to start packing.  But then, I haven't really unpacked from Toronto yet, so theoretically I could just pull out the dirty clothes, replace them with clean clothes and leave all else the same.  Woo!
 
Funny...  so I'm flying out to Boston on Tuesday night's redeye.  The plan was to take Wednesday off (the time I'd normally have been in the air) to drive Tiffany to Providence to go college touring.  Then I'd work Thursday and Friday while she explored the city and we'd go home Saturday morning- after I took her out Friday night.  Now I'm flying out Tuesday night, driving around Rhode Island and Cape Cod and Boston on Wednesday, working all day Thursday, and doing G0d-knows-what-but-definitely-not-working on Friday before flying home on Saturday morning.  I'm sort of feeling guilty now that my business trip has turned into 1/4 business.  Oops.

posted by Nikki at 11:00 PM

What is it about hot days that give me a headache?  When I walked in the door this afternoon, about to pass out from hunger, I freaked when I saw a BEE sitting on my head.  So like a maniac, I tried to shake it off on the doorstep.  I got rid of the bee, but then replaced it with a mother of a headache.  And THEN, the food that I bought made me feel sick to my stomach.  Wonderful.
 
So I finally bought a  sewing machine.  But I keep getting this feeling that I've been gypped.  So now my sewing bubble has popped and quickly deflated.  And I'm disappointed.
 
Hot weather sucks.  Not having decent A/C in your car and your house sucks even more.
 
I can't wait for Boston.  I hope Tiffany has a good time.  And I hope that it's not hot and humid.


posted by Nikki at 10:50 PM

I want a sewing machine. I want to make things. I miss being creative.

It's too hot. I hate hot weather.

I don't want to move.

I wonder if I can start every sentence in this post with an "I"?

Great. Now I'm stuck. But, I'll say that there must be something wrong with me cause I feel like I'm just floating. It's kind of like I've just been sitting back and watching myself do nothing from afar for the past few months. It's a weird feeling. Kind of scary, yet numb at the same time. I think frighteningly detached is the better description. Huh.

Okay I try to sleep now in my hot and humid room.
posted by Nikki at 10:40 PM

I have. A headache.

The more I think about it the more I don't want to move. But I already said I would, so I will. I'll just pray that something happens so I won't have to. Something good like I win the lottery. Not something bad.

California is dead. Stale. The weather almost never changes. We have no seasons. There's nothing natural. All cement and brick and asphalt and potted plants and planted trees. The people are fake. Hollywood is home. There's too many people. Too many cars. Too much pollution. Too much planning. Too many track homes. I want to move. I want to get my own place and be near my family. But I want to move away from California.

There's a cut on my shin. It's on top of a bruise. My shin ran into the corner of a wooden block. Tonight my head ran into the doorframe. But it's the other side of my head that hurts. It's hot. If I give myself a black eye too maybe I won't have to go to work tomorrow.

If there was no one but me I could let go.
posted by Nikki at 11:13 PM

Argh. I accidentally deleted some pictures on my digital camera that I REALLY liked. Frustrated.

Eunice's wedding was interesting, but good. They played the celebration ceremony song from Star Wars for the recessional. Instead of place cards for the reception they used mah jong tiles with people's names on them. And instead of kissing when people tapped their glasses they bowed. And they would only kiss if your table yelled out the name of any member of Duke or North Carolina's basketball teams, past or present. I guess they're big college basketball fans. No bouquet toss. No garter toss. Just lots of food and drink, a few long toasts, and the traditional father/daughter, son/mother dances. It was fun.

So I just spent three days with the side of my family that I only see every seven or so years for someone's wedding. The same side of my family that I was technically born into. And the same side of my family that I'm supposedly moving to at the end of the year. My "cousins" and I over here are always doing cousin things and have in-jokes and the like. It's no different over there. So now I feel what it's like to be on the outside looking in. Especially when we were taking the "cousin" picture. Except for the people in it, it could've been me with my "cousins" here. There was the same "oh, but we haven't had a cousin picture in a long time" and "we're missing (fill in the blank)", etc. It was weird. I dunno what it's gonna be like when I move.

While in Toronto I went on a Queer as Folk search, of course. I got pictures of a lot of the Church St. and Yonge St. locations. I was trying to catch them filming, but of course it didn't hit me until tonight (after watching the second to last episode of the season) that they've probably wrapped by now. Duh. Oh well. It was fun and enlightening all the same.

I'm so SAD about those pictures. I tried taking some artsy fartsy pictures too- and some of them actually came out nice! Too bad a deleted a few of them. ARGH.
posted by Nikki at 11:07 PM

I miss getting mail. And email. I mean real mail. Personalized mail. Not spam. Not junk mail. Not catlogues. Not invitations to another credit card. I mean an actual handwritten (or typed) letter that came from an individual who thought enough about you to write you a note. To tell you about their lives. To ask about yours. I miss that.
posted by Nikki at 1:18 AM

Five hours. For five hours now I've been debugging and updating and installing and deleting crap on my parent's computer. And why? Because they don't know how to NOT open emails with attachments from people they don't recognize. I should be getting paid for this. The going rate right now is $40/hour. Which means they now owe me $200. Argh.

I try to get away from computers over the weekend. Especially over the long weekend. And now I've just spent what practically amounts to a workday in front of a computer that wouldn't even open items from the desktop when I turned it on this afternoon. And then you add the 56K modem I'm working with and it's driving me nuts. Stupid computer. Stupid parents. Argh.

This is not the way I wanted to end the best 4th of July weekend I've had in what seems like forever.
posted by Nikki at 9:30 PM

no more dance. four weeks. no dance. no high impact exercise. sooooo fucking sad. no camp hollywood. relegated to the bikes at the gym.


I told my doctor that I pulled muscles in my thigh doing the rehab exercises he told me about. I thought I was doing it wrong. He said my knee must not be strong enough for those exercises yet. Which means it's not strong enough for dancing. No dancing for four weeks. I have a wedding to go to. I already paid for Camp Hollywood. I'm so so so sad. =(
posted by Nikki at 11:18 AM

To take the next step or not...? I've never been outright shot down before. At least, not as an adult.

I really need to get out there though.

I need to meet more adults. Young adults. Young adults who act like adults. Young adults who act like adults and not students. Yes, that's it.

Does it work to go looking for a relationship? Or is it better to just go? I've tried both and neither has seemed to work. Although, when I say I'm looking for a relationship I end up closing off and sticking only to my comfort zone... which is why I've ended up with not-the-best of relationships in the past, I think.

I'm sleepy. Fuck it. Just do it.
posted by Nikki at 12:23 AM