Stupid speeding ticket. I should've known having extra money at the end of the month was too good to be true.

My throat hurts. Too much singing tonight. But after tomorrow night I shall be free once more. Well, at least twice a week anyway. But still... Woo! I don't know why I'm so excited about it. It's not like I'm taking these classes under anyone else's will but my own. But then the question comes- what am I going to do with myself?

Last night I got home early, because my piano teacher no-showed. So after watching the first ten minutes of QAF I had nothing to do. I refused to get on the computer. I refused to eat dinner. I refused to sit and stare at the wall. So I went shopping. Which was bad. Bad bad bad. At least I got out of the house, though.

So after tomorrow night, I'm going to have find something to do with myself on Tuesday and Thursday nights. It also means I'm open to being preyed upon by people who want to "hang out". People I don't want to "hang out" with. Eee... no. Must find an excu- something to do.

Anyone want to take a week off with me in October? I've got a place to stay, wherever in the U.S. we can get an open timeshare- which includes our backyard Anaheim. I just need someone(s) to do it with. I am not taking a week off to spend with myself. I might as well stab myself in the throat. So let's go be leisurely for a week. Please?
posted by Nikki at 10:01 PM

Word of the Day: Hedonist

DEFINITION: (noun) someone who lives mainly to pursue pleasure
EXAMPLE: Having inherited great wealth, he chose to live the life of a hedonist, traveling the world in luxury.
SYNONYMS: debauchee, glutton, profligate

If I inherited great wealth I'd live like a hedonist too. And drag my family and friends right along with me.

My dreams are getting decidedly more sci-fi each night. What was with the rockets and aliens from Thailand and spaceships and explosions this morning?

Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. A lot of these people are out of practice. Many of them retired/left for a reason. Bush is putting their families back on the "what if" burner. He's just sending more people out there to die. God bless America, Mr. President.

Funny scene of the day: Boy and girl are sitting on the patio after lunch at TGI Friday's. Boy is drinking an Ultimate Bloody Mary. Girl is drinking a pint of beer. And smoking a cigarette. Does anyone else think this is kinda backwards? Wow those gender roles.

Today's Horoscope
Quickie: They'll never understand where you're coming from unless you communicate better. Commentary: Well, duh. I knew that already. Just tell me how, kimosabe.

Daily extended: Focus, focus, focus. Today you excel at putting things into little boxes, and the satisfaction of creating neat packages has you hopping up and down with glee. Categorizing and classifying are important parts of analysis. Your curiosity takes you deeper and deeper into the channels of some great mystery, and you are enjoying the hunt. Your innate curiosity leaves you fascinated with others. Keep your finger on the pulse of the underground. Commentary: Huh. This must explain why I spent the last half of the day trying to unlock the mysteries of the new JK Rowling website...
posted by Nikki at 9:44 PM

Mini-facials are a great DIY pick-me-up. Thank God for Bath & Body Works and their semi-annual, everything's $5 or 50% off sale.

Excuses, excuses... I'm busy that night. (Which I am.) I'm tired. (Which I am.) I'm lazy. (Which I am.)

What I don't say is... The thought of hanging out with you or a group of you makes me feel uncomfortable. (Which it does.) The only people I feel like spending any time with right now are my (real) family and the four people I consider my closest friends. (Which I do.) Most weekends I can't be bothered to work up the effort needed to go out. (Which is also true, though scary.) No, really, don't send anyone to pick me up. I appreciate the thought and your effort makes me feel better, but no thank you. (End of story.)

(310) 217-7638.
posted by Nikki at 11:08 PM

It would be so tempting to try and get your hands on this:


posted by Nikki at 9:44 PM

I am in utter bitch mode today.

But spending time with the cousins is always fun. Even if we're just sitting around a table piled high with food and playing with our digital cameras.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. But Kathy's out of town again. So, really, I just don't want to spend eight hours inside that office. I think I really do need a vacation. A real vacation. Not just an extra day or two spent in the city of my most recent business trip.

I've also been thinking... If I just do my thing and not go out of my way to engage other people in my life, what will it be like? Because I've tried reaching out, but I'm still disappointed by the results. So if I just give up, stop calling them, would they even care? Would they notice?

Another thing I've been thinking... My goal in life was just to be happy. For whatever reason though, that's the hardest thing for me to be right now. So maybe I should just stop trying to make myself happy and instead concentrate on making other people happy. Then I can live vicariously through them. It's much easier to ignore myself than it is to ignore others.

Sad thought of the day: I wish I were anorexic.

In-the-Shower thoughts: How can the news headlines be so glib about death? For example, "Two Dead in Palestinian Rocket Attack in Israel" and "American Killed in Attack on Australia Plane in Iraq ". Other days it's "40 Dead in Bahgdad Bombing" or "5 Israel Troops Said Killed in Gaza Blast". Do they even think about the fact that for each of these numbers listed, there's a family and group of friends who are in mourning? That there's a husband/wife/son/daughter/cousin/brother/sister who is in anguish over their loss? It's like these reporters are just ticking off a mark on their latest statistics sheet. Even the damn traffic reporters, who report a "fatal accident on the 5 freeway" do so like it's just another day in the office- or helicopter. No remorse, no sympathy.

It's as if we've all just trained ourselves to look the other way. To build a wall around ourselves in order to block out the pain of living in the real world. Sadly, it's a world that we have collectively built - mostly by our inaction. And I think it's a world that's become so outrageous, so unthinkable in it's cruelty, that we refuse to acknowledge the simple truths and instead allow these horrific things to continue, just to protect ourselves from being hurt by thinking about it, by acknowledging it. Only, we caused or allowed it to happen in the first place. Our self-imposed ignorance is by far the greatest shirking of responsibilty that we can commit, yet it's the one most accepted and most committed by people today.
posted by Nikki at 11:45 PM

I am too objectively subjective.
posted by Nikki at 3:11 PM

Knee Update

I've been feeling some weird parallels to Britney Spears and my mom recently. And it's just plain creeping me out.

So my mom- she has a slipped disk. Has surgery and is out of work for six months. Except that by two months after her surgery she's out and about doing things she knows she shouldn't be doing yet. And she wonders why she's not as well as she should be yet.

So me- slip on that stupid patch of ice the day after Christmas and crack my knee. Doctors and X-rays and MRI show nothing wrong. I say excuse me? It fucking HURTS. For four months I'm repeatedly told to go away, do some homemade rehab, and come back in six weeks if it still bothers me. So I keep on doing my thing, minus the heavy dancing and snowboarding and skating and trips to the gym. I become a big fat cow- until I could stand it no more. Back to the gym went I. The next week... back to the doctor went I.

So Britney- she's had this "old" dance (knee) injury. Lately it's been coming back to haunt her at the most random and inopportune times. The last time of which, she ends up in surgery. Now she's out for six months.

So me- I go back to the doctor, two months after the four months, and say excuse me? It still hurts. He says, there's only one other thing it could be. We can try a shot to bring down the swelling. Otherwise, although we very rarely do it, it's surgery. He gives me the shot. After I leave my knee swells up even more and I can barely walk or drive for a week. Although, thankfully, my knee hasn't been hurting as much for the last week, with only a few twinges here and there. I'm supposed to go back on Thursday for the final word. What do you think he'll say when I tell him all this?
posted by Nikki at 11:38 PM

I know what I want. I want someone to appreciate me. I want a companion. And I want a compassionate hug. Not necessarily in that order. And not necessarily from the same person.

My dad might be laid off at the end of the summer.
posted by Nikki at 12:48 AM

Reading sisterly advice on LJ makes me wish even more for a sibling. I don't know what it's like to have someone be so close to you who is actually related to you. I don't understand that whole hate 'em/love 'em thing. If I don't like someone, I don't like them. Period. But you can't do that with siblings. Except I wouldn't really know, would I?

I am never going to have just one child. If I have any kids at all, I will have at least two.
posted by Nikki at 10:27 PM

Last night I went to my first Angels game ever. Which doesn't sound too bad, until you realize that I've lived 10 minutes away from Angels stadium for the last 15 years. It was a good game. It was a fun game. It was the first time I've let myself go and felt so alive since before I started working in the "real" world. The sad part is the last time that sticks out in my mind is... oh. Two and a half years ago. When Saul came to visit my apartment for the first time and we drank an entire bottle of champagne. I'll just leave it at that.

But really, last night was just all about not holding back and yelling and cheering and eating junk stadium food. It was great. I was actually living in the moment, which is not something I've been doing much of lately. If anything, I've just been dragging myself from obligation to obligation, because that's what most things have felt like lately, whether it's work or dinner with family or even a movie with friends- which I haven't actually done in months. (The last time I saw a movie with with someone other than my mom was Troy, which was with my cousin and uncle. The last time I went with a friend was...Eurotrip with Marie. This is how much I don't see my friends anymore.)

Anyway, I've felt so restrained for the last couple years. It's like, ever since graduation, I'm afraid to let myself just be me. I'm afraid that person won't be accepted in the "real" world, because she's really this insecure, immature, spoiled brat who wouldn't help anyone but herself. Not exactly the type who would be able to climb quickly up the corporate ladder. To put it another way, I totally understood Bill Clinton when he said that he led parallel lives. One was the public life- that everyone in the country knew about- and the other was his private life, that very few people (mostly his family) knew about. Except, in my case, I feel like no one knows about my private life.


Almost every night for the last few weeks I've had this recurring sex theme in my dreams. Except that with each night they're getting less about the physical and more about the emotional. First it was about just plain fucking. Ha. I'm a girl, watch me be vulgar. But then it gradually turned into having sex, then making love. And last night all I can remember was the most awesomely tender and romantic make-out session I've never experienced in real life. If I was consciously thinking about it during the dream I'd have been grossed out by the cheesiness of it.

So really, am I just frustrated? Or is it that I'm trying to tell myself something? Is it something symbolic? Or am I (haha) seeing the future? Whatever it is, while it's nice having these sorts of dreams, they are the exact opposite of comforting as soon as I wake up. Because then all I can think of is what I could be experiencing, but aren't.

A few years ago I made this mostly unconscious decision to stop drinking so much. Really, it was more like I allowed myself to say "You know, I really don't like the way alcohol tastes. And since I don't like it, I don't have to feel so obligated to drink it whenever I get the chance." Since that happened I've rarely had more than a few sips at a time. And I think I've only been drunk twice since then- once at Jackie's and the other at Abby's birthday party.

Alternately, in the last year or so, I've made this mostly unconscious decision not to sleep with people just for the hell of it anymore. It's pretty much what I did throughout college- although don't let your imagination get ahead of you. It wasn't with all that many people. But out of those people, there was only one person I slept with that I wanted to get something more out of- which of course is probably the one person I had the least chance of getting that something with.

But don't think that I've mostly unconsciously come to this decision for moral reasons or religious reasons or even health reasons. Although, maybe you can call it sanity reasons. Just like admitting to myself that I don't like drinking, I've admitted to myself that I'm not the type of person who can sleep with someone (or even kiss someone) and have it mean nothing. It doesn't mean I won't do it. But if I do you can be sure that I'll be emotionally jacked for at least some period of time afterwards. So to spare myself from expending the extra energy needed to deal with it all, I've just said fuck it (mind the pun) and given myself permisison to go "straight". Ha.

Ironically, this has put me where I am today: bored out of my mind, living a shell of a social life where I'm always so guarded around people that I not only cannot make new friends, I'm losing old ones. Add to that the fact that (this is gonna sound so shallow) it takes away all motivation I once had to go out, because I'm not there anymore to socizalize. Now my entire time has to be spent enjoying the actual physical thing I'm doing, instead of the company I'm keeping. Because knowing the me of old, enjoying the company I'm keeping means flirting. And flirting with me almost always leads to crossing a line I no longer want to cross.

The only people I'm able to hold back from are the ones who are my very good friends, because I don't want to ruin that friendship. It's the only thing that saved me my freshman year at UCLA - and no Jerry, for your information, I never cheated on you. Bastard. Although, sadly, I never cheated more because I didn't want to lose my friendship with him than I was worried about ruining my relationship with you. Oh wow I hope these people aren't reading this.

Anyway, let's just say I once took a certain pride in the fact that I could be so emotionless about certain events. Except that now I've admitted to myself that I can't be emotionless about these things, more like I just bottle them up and blow my sanity up in the process. So as much as these dreams may be telling me I'm missing something very badly, I'm not going to go for a quick fix because it'll just end up screwing me over more than I already am. And we all know that I'm quite screwed up enough already, thank you very much. So I'll stick to the hurt before rather than go for the hurt after.
posted by Nikki at 9:25 PM

Waiting for the hair to dry...

God, I just want to go to sleep. It's my fault for being so lazy this morning and not taking a shower. But then, it's also my fault for not going to sleep until after this morning's newspaper was delivered and then waking up at the ungodly hour of 10am.

I am rebelling. I feel like one of those kids who is obviously tired but fights with everything they've got not to fall asleep. I don't want to get old. I don't want to have responsibilties. I don't want to be an adult.

And what's more, I don't want to move to New York. There. I've said it. Whoa. But I know that I will. And I know that even though I'm saying to myself and to my parents and friends that it will only be for a couple years, in actuality it will be for a lot longer than that. I'm sad becuase I don't expect to be coming back to California, except as a visitor, until after I've passed the next stage in my life- whatever that may be. In fact, I have a feeling that I'll move somewhere else besides New York before I come back here. Knowing me I'll work my way around the world and come back from the other direction. Anyway, it's not something I'm prepared to admit out loud. But it's still part of what makes me so melancholy these days. I don't want to leave, but I know I will.

It's a lonely feeling, knowing that unless they're blood-related I will most likely leave everyone I know behind. I get this feeling that thirty years from now I'm going to have seen all these amazing sights and done all these exciting things, yet won't have anyone to share any of it with. I keep seeing myself as a grown up with all these acquaintances, but no real friends. It's not the happiest of possible futures.

Another thing that makes me sad these days is this feeling of being unwanted. It's unwarranted, for the most part, considering I get invited to go out more often than I realize. I just for some reason keep turning everything down, but always with a good excuse. Okay, most times with a good excuse. I don't know what it is. It's this catch 22 feeling I'm having, where when people ask me to do something I don't want to go because the thought of hanging out with them annoys me. But then I get sad because I feel like no one wants me hanging around which, I feel, is why I never get invited to go anywhere on a social basis anymore. I think it's more that I don't get invited to do the things I want to do and instead get invited to do the things I'm not interested in. It's probably my fault for hiding so much of myself that no one knows what I like to do these days.

But then it could also be that I'm not very good company. I don't blame people for not wanting to hang out with me.

I'm also getting fed up. I'm tired of my messy room, my out of shape body, my lack of a social life, my inability to communicate- basically, I'm sick of being me. I just want to throw myself into the ocean and come back as someone else. Hmm, if I had a stronger belief in reincarnation I might just have done it by now, too.

I guess I know that something in my life needs to change. I'm just not at that point yet where it can change. Or maybe it's that I'm not ready yet for it to. At the very least, my head knows that I need to stop waiting for someone to rescue me and start rescuing myself. Unfortunately, my head doesn't seem to be connected to the rest of me at the moment.
posted by Nikki at 12:03 AM

After gathering dust on my shelf for almost a year, I finally finished the last 75 pages of Hillary Clinton's autobiography. After reading this book I have to say that she is one of the smartest, strongest, and most admirable woman in politics. If she were to run for president, and I do believe now that she could do the job, I would most likely be a strong supporter.

As an aside, one passage of her book reminded me of Cindy Rabuy, whom I consider among Hillary's league of Women Who Are Awesome and Amazing In Their Ability to Affect Change. Hillary was quoting the eulogy Bill gave at a friend's funeral: "She was beautiful and good. She was serious and funny. She was completely ambitious to do good and be good, but fundamentally selfless." Sometimes it makes me so sad to think of all the things she could've done, which is when I have to remind myself of all the things she did do. Many of which I'm sure I don't even know about.

Reading Hillary's book makes me wonder what it would be like to read an autobiography of Barbara Bush. I consider myself a Democrat, but only because most of my opinions run along Democratic lines. I am not a partisan voter or supporter. But I do believe in the harsh existence of partisan politics, even if I don't support the fact. It'd be interesting to hear what Barb would have to say, coming from the other side.

My parents and I celebrated Father's Day a few hours early tonight over dinner. Our conversation was probably one of the best we've had in... ever. My mom wanted me to get a BBQ utensil set for my dad but that was too much of a gift for her, so I decided not to get it. She mentioned that my dad really liked this pair of Cole Haan shoes at DSW, which are about $100. After getting over the shock of my dad actually wanting something with a designer name on it I decided that I might get the shoes for him as a late present. But during dinner he asked me to get him the new Bill Clinton autobiography, so I decided that would be my present instead. It was a fun night overall, which is jaw-droppingly surprising coming from me. My parents and I have never had the best of relationships. It makes me happy when nights like tonight occur.

It's funny when I think about my interests. As I've gotten older I've gotten more and more interested in politics. What began as a sarcastic and cynical attitude toward the political arena has turned into a deep curiosity and ambivalence. The thing is, though, the industry I'm currently in (and love- although I am ambivalent about it, as well), which can best be described as media and communications, is extremely similar to politics. The same powerplays and backstabbing and public scrutiny occurs in each, although one might be more of an outlet for the other. But both are also powerful in their own right, given their ability to affect the world. And I think it's this reason that attracts me to both media/communications and politics.

I know I have a frivolous attitude toward many things in life, which matches the somewhat frivolous attitude of many media products these days. But I also have a deep and largely unvoiced opinion of the more important issues in life. I think my problem is that I don't know how to voice those opinions correctly, given how complicated things are in my head- and often in the real world, as well. A great orator I am most definitely not. I also know I'm not the best critical analyst of the world- or even the neighborhood. These are the only two things that keep me from digging deeper into politics and trying to get a foothold in that culture. I think my talents are better suited for media- where knowing who Marc Jacob and Manolo Blahnik is is just as important as knowing what's on the cover of USA Today. But this fact still doesn't detract from my desire to be capable enough of involving myself in the political arena. Maybe one day, though... just maybe.
posted by Nikki at 1:57 AM

My knee now gets this burning sensation when I drive. And it's almost always aching. It's bothering me so much I want to move my doctor's appointment from July 1st to tomorrow. I think I can safely say the shot did NOT work. No need to wait three weeks for that verdict.

I've got 500mg prescription anti-inflammatories/pain-killers and yet they're not helping very much.

I want a massage. But I can't get a real massage because I can't lie down on my stomach on the table because my knee won't let me.

I feel like a fucking invalid.
posted by Nikki at 10:20 PM

So my parents told me they'd bring their Claim Jumper leftovers home for me for dinner. I had class till 10, but I figured I could eat a little later and not spend my own money on food. And then they came home at 11:15. How was I supposed to eat dinner at 11:15? But since I was starving cause I'd skipped dinner, I did. And now I feel yucky full and know I won't be able to sleep. Blech.

Sometimes I feel so disrespectful, but really, am I? I was so sick of hearing about Reagan last week. It's not that I don't feel bad for his family, but really, he was old and sick and it was gonna happen sometime soon. It was the same way I felt about my grandpa. But some people think that we need to show more respect to Reagan just because of who he was and what he did. I don't agree with that. So he was president, so what? He was a person, just like any other person. My grandfather put himself through med-school right after Japan left the Philippines after WWII, while being a newlywed with babies at home. And after he graduated he wouldn't charge patients who he knew couldn't afford to pay, because he felt he needed to contribute to the community. He did this for fifty years. Should his neighbors respect him less than Reagan, though, just because he wasn't a president? When anyone dies those around them feel the same grief, whether they were famous or not. The only difference is that if you're famous more people know about it. It doesn't mean that you need to treat them any different from the dead guy next door. Of course, why expect equality in death when there's little equality in life?
posted by Nikki at 11:51 PM

I get my best ideas in dreams. I've created whole songs, graphic art pieces, stories. The only problem is that I can never remember or re-create them when I wake up. Maybe this is why I like to sleep so much.

I'm dealing with a lack of motivation and emotional energy. Come Friday I'm so tired from the week that I rarely want to do anything but go home and sleep. Then I hibernate in my room for the entire weekend to recharge, only coming out to maybe have lunch with someone, and then start the whole cycle over again.

Garrett was saying how I used to write about what I did during the day, week, etc. Or what my plans were. I remember those days. It's just, now, there's nothing to talk about except work and class. Because other than that I don't really do anything. Unless you wanna hear about how many hours I spent online (which, actually, you do when I start re-posting random links and stuff) or about the book I read that day (which, actually, you do too cause I usually write about them) or about random events like having a gas leak in my neighborhood (which I also wrote about).

Yes, that is my life. In other words, I have no life. Once a week, maybe, I'll go hang out with someone, like Marie or my cousins, to watch a show or eat some meal or go shopping. And once a month or so I'll have lunch or dinner with Bubbles, Garrett and Jackie. And maybe every few months Mike'll have some party that I'll go to. I've stopped going to almost all family functions, except the really big ones, because I can be just as bored at home as I can be sitting in someone else's living room. I can't really go to the gym right now, because whenever I do my knee feels like it's going to come apart. Which also applies to any form of skating, running, prolonged dancing, or any other such physical activity. Sometimes I'll head to the beach, just to walk around or read or watch the sunset. Of course, whenever I do that I come home really sad from watching all the couples or groups doing the exact same thing I just did, but alone.

I guess I'm not used to having nothing to do. I used to never be home. And my lack of motivation to just go out there and get people to go with me, like I used to do, is not helping.

It feels like I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what. All I know is that other than my co-workers, parents, classmates and teachers, I don't really spend time with anyone on a regular basis anymore- which includes friends and family. That's kinda sad. But I'm not up to fixing it right now.

But to break tradition and end on a happier note, these are the things I actually am looking forward to right now:

-Taking Tiffany to Boston with me, while I'm on a business trip, so we can go college touring.
-Camp Hollywood swing weekend at the end of July.
-Going with Marie to visit Randolf in Chicago in August.
-Turning 25 in two and a half months. Not that I'm planning a party, or dinner even, but it means I can rent a car without paying extra.

And the things I'm not really excited about, but am doing:

-Going to Todai for lunch for some random "family" person's birthday/baptism/graduation/I-don't-know-what tomorrow. My parents guilt-tripped me into this. They said I haven't gone to anything in a long time- and they're right.
-Going to Toronto for my cousin's wedding in July.
-Going to New York in September for our conference and to look for more office space/a place to live.
-Moving to the East Coast.

posted by Nikki at 12:05 PM

How long does it take for a cortizone shot to start working anyway? It's been over twelve hours and my knee is more sore now than it was this morning. I think that's the opposite reaction the doctor was looking for.

God, I don't want surgery. Yet, I will confess that the attention it brings would be welcome.

I've been feeling quite ignored lately. And if I really think about it, for a long time now. My gut reaction was to face it head on and just spend time by myself, without asking anyone to hang out with me. Much good that's done, except drive me to the brink of depression.

Why do I have to be so stubborn? And conceited? And self-analytical? I miss the days where I said fuck it and just did what I felt like doing. Of course, those days also carried with them a bit of a repuation, or so I was told... by my new bf at the time, nonetheless. Why did I turn into a person who cared what her repuation was among a group of people she didn't associate well with?

I have this history of working my way through my male friends... so to speak. I don't want to be that person. But when you don't meet new people, it's hard to not be that person and still have some semblance of a romantic social life. And it's harder still to stop yourself from falling for the friend you know so well and care about.

Today, though, I came across something that made me think. I didn't know him as well as I should have. I knew it at the time, but back then that was all I knew. I wasn't able to crack, or wasn't given access to, that mind of his, such as I saw it today. It's sad that we spent all that time together yet never really got to know one another. I'm glad he, at least, moved on.

I wish I could do the same.

As lonely as I am, though, and as much as I crave companionship I think my heart knows more than my head does that I'm not ready for it. It's the only reason I can of to explain my state of self-inflicted aloneness for the last three years.

All I want to know is: When? When do I get to move on?
posted by Nikki at 12:56 AM

Ummm yeah. I'm in that mood where I'm too tired to get ready for bed. It's so inconvenient.

So yes, I have had this slight urge to get a tattoo lately. Yes, a real tattoo. It's all that stupid Ren Fair henna tattooing's fault. That and this movie I watched where this girl had it in the most awesome place (I think). It was right on the nape of her neck, but off to the side a bit. Like, right where your shoulder and your neck meet, behind your ear a bit. I want something really small right there. It'd be in the perfect place to be able to hide or show off when you want to and it's not your typical area for a tat. But no... if I'm going to do this I'm going to mull it over long and hard first. Because once it's there it's never coming off. And do I really want to be a wrinkly, old, gray hag with this tattoo on my shoulder? I dunno about that...

Can't stop here though, because this wouldn't be a signature Nikki post without the depressing thoughts of the night. So, yes, I'm still wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't/won't have a relationship right now. My dentist asked me today when I was getting married. I said not for a very long time. She said good. But then she asked if I had a bf. I said nope. And she said, why not? Which really... why the fuck not? Ugh. Frustrated.

One answer, though: I have yet to meet a guy who captures my interest for longer than one night. He must make me laugh. (Found more than a few of those.) He must have at least a few interests that match mine. (Found a little more than few of those.) He must be artistic in some way. (Found less than a few of those, but at least more than one.) He must like the finer things in life, but also be able to go camping with the bare essentials. (Found a few of those - two are taken.) And he must like watching a musical just as much as he likes going hiking or scuba diving. (Found one of those. Guess what happened to him.) I'm doomed. The end.
posted by Nikki at 11:38 PM

Stop reading my Blogger!

Warning: Sad, morbid thoughts coming your way.

I've never been the motivating type. I'm the one who sits and listens without making any comments. Often it's because I can never think of anything helpful to say. So when my friends are feeling down (which I can well and truly sympathize with) I don't know how to make them feel better. And it makes me feel like shit.

Last night Marie told me she'll be sad when I'm gone. I don't know why I said it, but I told her she's the only person to tell me that so far. Normally I would've shrugged it off and told her I'm just a phone call or five hour flight away. Or said something stupid to change the topic. Instead I said exactly what's been on my mind for the last four months.

I haven't actually told too many people that I'm moving. Part of me is worried I'll jinx it somehow. Part of me is hoping they'll change their mind and we won't go. And part of me just doesn't want people to know until I can up and leave with only a few weeks notice. Although, it's not like they'll even notice a difference when I'm gone, because I barely see these people as it is. Of all the people I know, I've told twelve of them (including my parents). I'm sure the word has spread a bit since then, but I haven't officially told a majority of the people that I interact with. I don't want to make a big deal out of it. It's still kind of far away, except it's not. Six months tends to fly by and before you know it it's Thanksgiving.

Anyway, all that rambling was meant to say that I haven't told too many people because the people I have told haven't made a big deal of it. Except my parents, of course. (Except, even they haven't actually told me "we'll miss you when you're gone.") Everyone else has told me how it's a great opportunity. People at work keep telling me that everyone needs to live in New York during their twenties. And how I'm going to love it there. But they don't know that. They don't know anything about me. They don't know that I despise big cities. Yet, even those people who do know something about me play it down as well. It just makes me sad, because it's like when I was in Baltimore... Life goes on even when I'm gone. Which, of course, is going to happen. But it makes you feel really left out when people don't even acknowledge the fact that you're not there.

So to take it to another level, this is the exact reason why I sometimes don't mind thinking the thoughts I do. Sometimes it feels as if no one would care if I was gone. I haven't made that big an impact on anyone's life. And few people ever see me that often anyway. So if I was gone, who'd care? I mean, I'm sure there'd be the requisite sadness and feelings of loss, blah blah blah. But really, you never see me now, so why miss me when you can't see me anymore? It's like when Uncle Gideon and Auntie Alphie died. I hardly saw them during the last few months before they died. So when they were gone it was almost hard to believe it. Even now sometimes it feels like they're just off living their life over there somewhere and I just haven't seen them in a while because we've all been so busy.

Anyway, I think people are beginning to notice there's a problem. But no one's got the guts enough to say anything about it. Including myself.
posted by Nikki at 6:47 PM

701...

I can't concentrate with this Ozma CD playing. Sorry Bubbles, it's pretty good, but it's time to turn it off.

Irony: I just used a keyboard short cut button for the first time since the week I bought this computer. Which was last year.

You may have noticed that all these posts are really rather dreary lately. That's because I only post when I'm in a bad mood - usually. Or else when I find something interesting on the net that I feel like sharing with everyone. But then these sort of posts end up on my LiveJournal instead of my Blogger. This Blogger is now dedicated to things I don't want to directly tell the myriad of people who have access to my LJ everyday. It's cool if you're taking the time to actually click into this page on my site, but my LJ entries are broadcast to everyone who thinks of themselves as my friend. So ha, I'm not posting my innermost depressing thoughts to you.

Anyway. Enough of that.

What do people not get about wanting to be alone? I mean, really. I do like my alone time. There are many nights where I just want to go home after work, curl up in bed with a book or DVD, and veg until the next morning. But when I tell people I want to do this they think, oh, she's bored. She's got nothing to do. I'll call her. AAAAAAH! No. When I want to go home and veg and I actually tell people I want to go home and veg - alone - I mean it. When I don't tell people anything and post about how bored I am or about all these random things I find on the net, then I'm bored. Then I want you to call me. But I'm not going to say "call me!" because I don't like being a loser like that in public. Ugh. Anyway. Moving on...

So once again I was brushed off. I shouldn't feel so special, because apparently he's been doing the same thing to at least one other person. (At least he takes the time to call her, though.) Although, I don't know if they actually made plans TWICE to go out for dinner. Eh. I don't know why I let it bother me so much. It's not like it's the first... or twentieth... time it's happened.

So here's the story: Guy I have history with. Once upon a time he said he considered me one of his best friends. I recently decided we weren't really friends anymore, since we obviously have nothing left in common after not talking more than four times a year for the past five years. We also have this extremely HUGE communication problem. But he's coming into town this week and sends a mass email saying to let him know if we want to do anything while he's here. I'm thinking of going to grad school. He's the only person I know who recently decided to go to grad school and is going to an expensive one, like I want to do. So I figure, hey, it's a good time to talk to him about it. I'll ask him if I can take him to dinner one night while he's here. He says yes, any weekday is good for him. I say great, how about Tuesday. No response. I call him Tuesday afternoon. He says he's driving his mom around for errands. Asks if we can reschedule to Thursday. I say okay. He says he'll call me tomorrow to work out the details. (Tomorrow being Wednesday.) Thursday comes around. No call. And I've decided I'm sick of it.

I may have chased after him before, but I'm not doing it anymore. If he wants to talk to me he can call me. And if he says he'll call, and then doesn't call, then he obviously doesn't want to talk to me, so I'm not going to bother with him. I thought now would be a good time to actually start trying to communicate again, but I guess I was wrong. It's not like I want him back. Ha. Not. I just miss the arrogantly sarcastic boy I could tell all these random things to. And the intelligent replies I'd get in return. Even though he annoyed me to no end I sometimes miss our conversations. It's hard to find smart people to talk to in Hollywood-veneered L.A.

Ugh. I am so frustrated.
posted by Nikki at 10:58 PM