Stupid Angel writers. Why do I get so emotionally involved in this damn show?

I like the rain. I like it when it's soft and when it's strong. I like the way it smells and the way it washes the dirtiness away. I like the way it hides your tears while letting you cry outside. I like the way it slants your view. I've always liked the rain.

Tomorrow morning is orthopedist time. My mysterious bruise resurrected itself over the last few days. It almost stopped hurting completely until the other day. But then it came back. My doctor said they will either A) do nothing B) inject me with steroids to reduce the swelling and take away the pain or C) have an MRI done. My mom says they will aspirate the fluid, which in her words "will hurt A LOT," and then inject the steroids and if that doesn't work then they'll have an MRI done. And then she left the unspoken surgery option in the air.

Damnit. I'm mad at myself for being so stupid. I only got to use my new boots and bindings once. I'm such a fucking idiot. I told myself I'd always board safe. I wouldn't take stupid chances and I'd know my limits. And I'd trust my instincts. Well, I was the dumbass who didn't listen to my gut telling me I wasn't in the mood to do that run. Fuck. Stupid stupid stupid. And look who's paying for it now.

Nice guys are just too nice. You're afraid to taint them. Then you'll forever be the one who screwed them over. One person already told me I did this to them. I won't do it again.

posted by Nikki at 11:36 PM

This was not a good weekend. The end.
posted by Nikki at 10:56 PM

Am I the only loser that's home on a Saturday night? I'm so fucking tired, though. Last night was exhausting, but fun. And this whole week's been so up and down.

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like someone's stuck this post-it on my forehead that says "Pay attention to me!" It's kind of eerie. It's so atypical. And I'm getting really weirded out over it.

I haven't had much of a social life ever since I moved home. When I think back to what it was like in LA... I always had people over. If there wasn't anyone over I was out. Maybe every two or three weeks I'd stay in for a day or two and just veg, but otherwise I was caught up in some kind of socializing rip-tide. It's so weird to not live like that anymore. I'm not used to hiding the way I do when I'm at home. Not to say I'm a slut or anything, but I had my fair share of fun times with guys while I was at school and I haven't done that at all lately. That's why it's so weird to have guys asking for my email address and stuff these days. I'm not used to the attention anymore. And I'm definitely not used to giving out that kind of attention anymore. Lately I've been more like my old self, just letting myself go while I'm out. And that's probably what's making people notice I'm there these days. The thing that I hate is... I'm so used to hanging out at people's places or else bringing them back to my place and now that I can't do that I have no clue what to do with them.

It's nice living at home cause everything's comfy and familiar and free, but at the same time I feel trapped here. I feel like I can't be myself. I can't have friends over because then my parents will know what I'm really like. Then I'll just get the lectures and disapproving stares and shit. And they'll actually try to TALK to me, which has never successfully happened in my 24 years. My mom will start with something like, "I hope you're not having sex, because you shouldn't do that before you're married." Then she might even go into the whole "So why don't you have a boyfriend yet?" Then I'll be so tempted to say "Because you're a snooping bitch who tries to get all up in my business so much that I fucking hate you for it." Wow, that was harsh. Anyway, what'll actually come out of my mouth is some BS about how I'm too busy or I'm not ready or some shit like that. More likely it's cause I don't want to have my social life paraded in front of the people who ask me when I'm getting married and who then follow it with a "you shouldn't get married soon anyway". If she only knew the kind of shit I did in LA... I'd be listening to the "you're going to hell" lecture again.

Me: I like to have fun. I like to flirt. I like to drink. I like to sit around and read or watch TV all day. I like to come home to silence- and then drown in it. I like to have friends over. I like to put off cleaning until after I've finished that chapter or two in my book. I like to throw away anything over a week old in my fridge. I like to walk between my bathroom and my bedroom without having to worry about wearing a robe. I like to cook and bake. I like to do stuff that I probably (legally) shouldn't be doing.

I can't do any of that while living in this house.

I feel stunted. Like the sunlight's been blocked and my roots have no water.
posted by Nikki at 11:07 PM

Shit. I need to lay off the carbs. Stupid triglycerides. I thought they were high during my last blood test because I'd gone drinking the night before. I guess they're just high. Eh. That means lay off the alcohol (SAD), sugar (SADDER), and bread (SADDEST). (I wonder what they say about pot? If I can't drink...) The stupid/funny thing is that my LDL level is pretty low and my HDL level is pretty high, which are both good things. So according to the American Heart Association's website, instead of being at risk for a heart attack I'm at risk for diabetes. Wonderful.

Isn't it just great when cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and stroke are all risk factors in your family?

AND to top it all off... My doctor scared me well and good this morning when she told me that I should be taking my naproxen twice a day, religiously. She said it's not just for the pain, it's for the inflammation, which I knew. What I didn't know is that prolonged inflammation is what causes damage in the first place. Fuck. My stupid knee's been this way for almost two months now. I'll be lucky if I ever get on my skates again.
posted by Nikki at 9:34 PM

This class makes me sleepy.

I worked for an hour and a half today, even though I was in the office almost the entire day. Wee...

Ha. The midterm I took without studying... got a 100%. Great. Now I gotta worry about being over-confident.

Guess I'm not going out tonight. Screw people. You all make me sick.
posted by Nikki at 5:54 PM

Confession? I've sat here all morning and haven't done any work.
posted by Nikki at 11:52 AM

Guy at Starbucks who asked me if I was Filipino when I went in a couple weeks ago today told me he liked my necklace. Is that another instance of someone hitting on me? All this just seems so foreign to me... it's been a long time since... eh. Anyway.

So my foray into the world of "real life" lasted for a whole four days.

My priority list:

1. Family and friends (emergencies only)


2. Work


3. Family and friends


4. Me


5. School

Somehow this seems just a little skewed to me...
posted by Nikki at 10:09 AM

Why is that some of the best days turn into some of the worst? Those days just make things feel even worse, because you go from feeling really good to feeling entirely like crap, so everything just gets magnified. It's days like these when I wish I had a stash of my own. Or that I wasn't so chicken.
posted by Nikki at 10:40 PM

Man... I was looking forward to an excuse for a night out. But how much do I want to sacrifice in order to have fun?

What I miss about being at UCLA is having people around all the time that I could go out with. I may not have known them well, but there was always an excuse to go out and play if I wanted to. I don't have those kind of friends anymore, though, so it makes me sad when I want to go out but there's no one to go with. It's the reason why I go out so much alone. But then, when you go out alone you're sort of limited to where you can go. I mean, Barnes & Noble and the beach are okay... but the movies can be pushing it. Especially when the only time you have to go out is at night. And going dancing or even just hanging out somewhere and playing pool on a Friday or Saturday night by yourself just brands this big LOSER on your forehead. The problem is that I don't have enough good friends that I can just bug to hang out whenever. Because my friends are always busy because they have more than enough friends. So when I feel like going out they're already busy or are not in the mood to go out cause they just went out.

I guess the simple answer is to make more friends. But I'm not naturally a friend-making type of person. I don't know where to go to meet people I'd be compatible with. Becase the things I like to do... like snowboarding, knitting, skating, reading, swing dancing... they're either solo activities or they don't really attract the type of person I'd like to spend time with other than the time we spend doing whatever the one activity it is we have in common. In other words... where do you find friends that have many different kinds of interests that match yours? Because, really, I haven't found any since I was at UCLA.

I can be a very social person, if I'm around the right people. The problem, I think, is that I spend 45 hours a week at work (where I work with two other women who I wouldn't consider my peers), 8 hours a week commuting, 11 hours a week at "school" (where I just am not feeling that whole 'these are the kind of people I want to get to know' vibe), and somewhere around 48 hours a week sleeping. That leaves 56 hours for me to play. Of which 4 hours usually goes to swing dancing throughout the week... Which I will admit is fun (although I have yet to make friends I'd hang out with in places other than a swing dance hall.) Out of the 52 hours that are left, I spend MAYBE 10 hours hanging out with people I consider my friends. That means that I spend 14 hours a week socializing and 154 hours a week effectively on my own.

With those numbers it's no wonder I feel so lonely all the time. And instead of having a bunch of time on my hands where I'm just sitting around thinking about how lonely I am, I try to fill it in by volunteering or taking classes or even just going out by myself. But really... it doesn't help. Because while I'm off doing those things my mind still keeps going. My mind is constantly thinking and contemplating these things... especially while I'm in the shower, eating lunch/dinner by myself, in a boring class, or stuck sitting in traffic.

But really... when I think about it. My parents will go out on the weekends and some Friday nights. Most weeks they'll stay in on weekdays, but every now and then they go out for dinner or whatever with friends. But they have this advantage... every weekend they KNOW they have somewhere to be. Because they have such a big group of friends that someone's always having a party or a get-together. And my dad KNOWS he's going to play tennis with his friends every Saturday morning. I don't have a support system like that. My "cousins" don't usually go to those things. Besides which, I don't consider all of my "cousins" very good friends. They're mostly acquaintances to me, because only a couple of them actually know the real me. And I don't have a set schedule like that, unless you count swing, which I end up missing half the time because of work.

Hold on... Is this the price I pay for trying to be successful? For trying to push myself so much to imrove myself? I always want to go out and try new things. But I don't do it to meet new people, I try it so I can get the experience. But I do it so often that I try one thing and then move on to another, never spending enough time in one place to form any bonds with people. So eventually, because I'm always so busy trying these things, I lose contact with the people I used to call my friends. And then I'm just left with a few friends. I think that's what happened... and it's left me where I am now. Well, at least that question's been answered.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that I don't think I spend enough time socializing. And it's my fault because I spend too much time being an experience junkie and not enough time nurturing my friendships. But the end result is that I just feel lonely most of the time. And not lonely as in I want a boyfriend lonely, but lonely as in I don't spend enough quality time with anyone lonely. Wow, that sucks. And I'm stupid.


It kinda sucks because no matter how much more emotionally stable I've been feeling lately, I think it's more that I've just hit a high instead of evening out. But I guess we'll see...
posted by Nikki at 8:39 PM

Different parts of my life are putting me in different moods right now. Work is completely, totally STRESSING me out. Each morning I walk into the office, look at the pile of crap I need to do that's on my desk, and want to scream. Then I think, wow, it'd be nice to have an outlet for this. Like, to have a date to look forward to or a guy to be able to call for some de-stress, relaxation time. But nope. Got none of that. Surprisingly, though, as much as it makes me sad that there's no one I feel that close to right now, I'm not all that put-out by it.

This is going to sound really cheesy, but I think I've done a lot of healing over the last month or so. And I have to thank Garrett for part of that. Some of the stuff he told me just really helped me put things in perspective. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else before I could really believe it. The hard part for me was just being able to tell it to someone in the first place. And then, of course, I have to thank LJ and Blogger. Cause when Garrett and I finished talking I had a place to put all my thoughts down and really go over them. Anyway, the result is that I'm feeling a lot more at peace with my (non-existent) love life. And the change has shown, I guess, judging by the way swing class went last night. (If you want more on that, check my LJ.) I almost felt like I was back to my old self, except this time with a better perspective and outlook.

I think this has all made me feel more confident in the social arena. I hadn't realized it, but I'd completely lost my confidence in that area. I didn't really want to socialize that much because I didn't feel comfortable doing it. Even with some of my close friends. So I just completely isolated myself from everyone, which definitely did not help anything. Anyway, I'm feeling better now and it's quite weird for me to actually WANT to talk to people. All night tonight I was just calling people up or chatting online. It was a lot of fun. I've missed this. I haven't done it since I graduated.

Anyway, now I've got to work on this sleep problem. I get really tired and sleepy, but I just can't sleep at night. And then during the day I end up falling asleep at work. Literally. I've done it twice in the last week. That's really bad. And I can't focus. Which might explain why I still have so much crap left on my desk when I go home each day. I know I'm preoccupied right now. I mean, I've got loads of crap to remember and I'm still feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to do. But really, I put myself here. Now I need to go fix it. I guess I just pay for everything by not being able to sleep.

And the mood swings... are still there. And I'm beginning to think they are heavily hormonally influenced. But the lows aren't quite as low as they used to be, even though for some reason the highs seem a lot higher. Eh. I'm just glad I'm feeling happy with something about my life right now. I'll leave it at that.
posted by Nikki at 12:02 AM

Just ignore me... I'm thinking through my fingers right now.

Bubbles said a couple things that really hit me. One, she said that I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I will either go for everything or for nothing. She's right. Two, she called me a free spirit. I don't feel like she's right about that, but when I look at myself objectively, I guess that is the impression I give off.

On all or nothing... That really describes my approach to almost everything, including relationships. I either want the fling that really means nothing to me or the romance of a lifetime. Anything in between is out of the question. Which would explain my string of failed relationships and failed non-relationships, because all of those fell in the in between category. I think I have very good gut instincts. And my gut instincts will tell me whether or not a guy is right for me pretty much within the first month that we go out. So when the relationship lasts beyond that, I know I'm living a lie. And of course, my gut instinct with every guy I've officially dated has been a big gut-wrenching NO. With a few guys I've sort-of dated my gut instinct has told me this is someone to hang on to. But of course, that ended with a big gut-wrenching NO when things didn't work out the way I'd hoped.

Side note: I think it finally hit me the other day... the reason why I made the decision I did about this one guy I've had a thing for for WAY too long. Without even doing anything, and definitely without intending to, he hurt me. I thought about what it would be like if what I wanted actually came true, if we started going out, and realistically, I don't think I can trust him anymore. He'll still always be a good friend, but for things to progress beyond that, he'd have to work really hard to gain my trust back. The thing is, too, me being hurt has a lot to do with my decisions and actions. I put myself in the place to get hurt. The thing that finally made me realize all this was when I was watching Someone Like You on Saturday night. Hugh Jackman's character asks Ashley Judd's character, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" Why, indeed. A lot of it is my fault, but that doesn't mean none of it his fault, either. We're both responsible for our actions. And really, while I may have done one thing with him that I shouldn't have done, he's done a few things with me that he definitely shouldn't have done. I don't want to be on the other end of that. Especially when I know he's capable of doing that. So yeah. Once that realization hit me it kinda hit me hard.

Accepting that you've been hurt is almost just as hard as being hurt. I hate giving up that power.

So that's me on the all or nothing. Anything in between in unacceptable. Which I know will lead to a lot more failed attempts at a relationship, but hell, my life was just built for disappointment.

On the whole free spirit thing... I try to make my decisions based on the following question: Will I regret it if I don't do it? If the answer is yes, then fuck yeah I'm gonna go for it. BUT I'll go for it within reason. For instance, this whole company moving thing. If I said no I won't move, I would really regret that. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I'd moved. The problem with this mentality, though, is that when it comes to relationships I don't quite follow it. I chicken out. I think I would be happier if I did follow it, but you know, I'm a dumb person. Maybe this is something I should add to my New Year's Resolution list. Huh. I think I will. I will live my love life without regret. There.

I'm done.
posted by Nikki at 4:29 PM

Oh, the dream. The dream I had last night... That was a doozy.

I was on a cruise. The sort-of cruise director (all I can say is he was the guy in charge) looked exactly like cute-boy-next-door, except his personality was really different. I can't pinpoint whose personality it was, though, which is what's bugging me. Anyway, so this guy and I, we talk on and off for a few days. Finally, one day, he asks me if I want to dance. Turns out he is an AWESOME dancer and we do this whole jazz routine thing where he makes me look like an awesome dancer too. During the dance we talk a bit and I guess we flirt so much that it's kind of obvious that we like each other. After the dance is over we talk a bit more. And then I'm sitting on this bench, next to a window, and I see that we're almost in port. I'm talking to another cruise employee about where to buy snickers for this guy, cause while we were dancing he said how he wanted snickers, but I accidentally said starburst instead when we ordered, so I wanted to get him some snickers. (Haha. Yes, random I know.) Anyway, we're right along the coast of this random island out in the ocean and I see the natives hunting with these big old spears and people on horses riding around and the anthropologist in me gets all excited. When we get off the boat the guy comes up behind me, puts him arms around me, and starts walking with me. This all surprises me, but I figure it's cause he read my post and I take it as a sign that he's accepting what I said. (Anyway, it was such an awesome feeling and when I woke up this morning I could still feel it.) Later that day we're all in this common room, watching an episode of Friends, and he comes in and sits on my lap. Actually, more like lies down on top of me, since he leans back and pretends he's asleep. But this was right in front of my parents! So when I automatically start to put my arms around him he pushes one off so I'm not completely hugging him. Anyway, after a bit these two guys come in the room with a piece of paper in one of their hands and they say "that's him", pointing to the guy. According to them, this is the guy that's responsible for some kind of animal kidnapping and ritual torture. So they make him go out to where they're standing, kneel on the floor, and read all the charges to him. Then they take out this syringe and inject something into his ear to kill him. And then- this is the weirdest part- he switches places with this random woman I've never seen before. I see him holding this woman (who had just been injected) in his arms, with tears falling down his face. He kisses her on the neck, which for some reason makes me think that he's going to bite her and suck her blood out, hugs her really hard, and then she dies. And then I wake up. But I wake up feeling like there's something hugging me from behind, like he was doing earlier in dream.

That was incredibly weird.

On another note: I'm so sore! I guess no bowling for me today. =/ But I think I will go watch a movie. Yay three day weekend!
posted by Nikki at 9:10 AM

I stink like sweat from bowling today. My quads on my right leg hurt. And my right bicep is sore. But it was a LOT of fun. And I would do it again tomorrow. Assuming I can still carry a bowling ball...

I've been neglecting Blogger. Ever since I embedded LJ into my site, I've stopped coming here. And I've tried tricking myself into posting in LJ as if I was posting here (with the mentality that no one was gonna read it), but it hasn't worked. So, dear reader, as of right now I'm making a change. Blogger will now be my "private" journal and LJ will be my "public" one. (Yeah yeah. Don't get started on how they're both really public because, hell, anyone can read either one of them. Whatever. It's what's in my head that counts.)

I was kind of bothered this morning. My parents had a bunch of people come over last night. I guess one group was my dad's cousin from who-knows-where, along with his family. Another was an old friend of the family's that's here from the Philippines. I didn't realize it until this morning, but the friend of the family spent the night. Which to me was a big "Oops!" on my part, cause I was playing with my magic mic until 2am last night. And her room is right underneath mine. Oops. Anyway, this morning my mom tells me that my dad's cousin was looking for me last night. So this begs the question: Why didn't anyone come get me??? I was up in my room all night long. It's not like I was out. It's not like I was asleep. Hell, I didn't go to sleep until 5am almost. So, what was that? It's as if, when I'm in my room, I'm not here. Which really, that would be nice if it were true, but it's not. Because I can still hear them cackling downstairs. And it's just a few short steps away from calling me downstairs. Hell, my parents have even called my phone from downstairs because they were too lazy to walk over and knock on my door. They could've even done that. So I dunno... I'm just weirded out. And feeling very left out. I feel like it all started when I told my parents I was moving. It's as if, mentally, I've already moved out for them. It kind of makes me sad.

My parents and I went out to dinner on Friday night. It was... one of the best nights out I've had with my parents ever. We were actually sitting around the table talking. And I mean talking. Like in the way you do with a friend or even a family member when you're in a normal family (ie. not my family). It felt so weird to be laughing with my parents. And I mean genuine laughter, not some kind of sarcastic smirky-type laughter like I usually do around them. (Yes, I know I'm a brat. What can I say? Only child.)

My mom told us a story that night. She told us the story of a co-worker of hers. This co-worker has been widowed for almost 10 years now. She's about fifty years old. A respiratory therapist, who's a bit older and has just moved here from Brooklyn, is interested in her. He asked another co-worker what he could do to get this woman to like her. This other co-worker told him it would be nice if was well groomed. You see, this guy walks around all day in scrubs, with his hair all bushy and uncombed and this beard that I guess was growing all out of wack. So the next day he comes in with a new haircut and a trimmed beard. My mom's co-worker finally started talking to him after that. Then she starts telling us about all these things he's doing to try to win this woman over. I was laughing SO hard. And the only thing that kept hitting me was how old are these people again? I guess I just had it in my head that after a certain age these stupid courtship rituals would pass. But I seem to be wrong. Because from what my mom told me, these two people's behaviors could have perfectly described a high school couple. Sheesh. Is this what I have to look forward to? A life filled with awkwardness and doubt and bumbling? Great. It's almost enough to make me wish I was married already, just so I wouldn't have to worry about any of it anymore.

Side note: Wal-Mart sucks ass. I went in today to buy more contacts, because I just opened my last pair this morning, and the lady in the contacts department tells me that they can't sell contacts right now. And that she doesn't know how long it will be before they can, but she guesses it will be around a week. She couldn't tell me why or if this applied to all Wal-Marts or how long it would be. She couldn't even give me a suggestion as to WHAT TO DO because I'm on my last pair of contacts and if these tear or whatever before they can sell contacts again I'M SCREWED. Going to my eye-doctor is out of the question, because they charge almost $30/box. That's twice as much as Wal-Mart. Lenscrafters won't sell contacts unless you see one of their shitty doctors. And I don't know where else to go except online. Which is a big uh, NO! Fugging Wal-Mart. When I originally brought my prescription in they told me I could come back anytime and order more contacts. They said they always keep my size in stock so I could just buy them righ away. Fucking liars. I hate that shitty place. The only reason I shop there is because they're cheaper than Target and I need to save money somewhere. GRRRRRARGH.

So onto the more important topic of men...
This is definitely not going in LJ, but whatever. I know certain people read this thing, I'm just not sure who else does. So there's this guy who I'm friends with. We've known each other for a long time now... around five years, I think. Lately, though, I've gotten to know him a lot better. When I first met him I thought he was cute and very sweet, but he was off limits because he was way younger than me. (Like, two years, okay? In my book that's a lot.) Oh, and he had a gf. Over the last five years I've learned that my original assumptions were truer than I'd imagined. He's very caring towards those he considers his friends. He can be a goofball, and loud, but he's also incredibly introspective. He's independent and marches to his own drum, sometimes with reservations and/or resentment, but he does it nonetheless. Even though he's younger than me, I still find myself intimidated by him somewhat. He has such strong feelings on certain topics and issues and he isn't afraid to voice them, which is almost the exact opposite of me, even though I'm trying. But, using Jackie/Nikki terminology and criteria, he also had issues and baggage. So, of course, we put him in the "would be desirable, if only..." category. There were many "if only's" in our list. Not the least of which included that he became a very good friend. Anyway, like I said eons ago in this paragraph, I've gotten to know him better lately. And the things that I've found out have been pleasant surprises.

One day, about a month ago, I realized that I don't think of him as younger than me anymore. I forget the age difference when I talk to him. Maybe it's because I'm regressing, but it could also be just because we've known each other for so long that I don't see it anymore. Around that same time, I remembered something I had written about him in this very Blogger about four years ago. At the time I still considered him just a regular friend. Not a very close one, but someone in my circle who I happened to talk to more often than other people. Anyway, what I said was something to the effect of: It's ironic that the only person in my life I feel I can tell anything and everything to is someone I don't even consider a good friend. At the time I was complaining about the lack of confidants in my life and how I had to compartmentalize my subject topics with certain friends. In other words, I could only tell certain friends certain things. I felt like there wasn't one person I could tell everything to, except this guy who wasn't even really a friend at the time. Funnily enough, that statement still almost holds true today. I made a New Year's Resolution to be more forward about my thoughts and feelings with others and while it seems to be working, he's the only person as of yet that I'm actually comfortable doing it with. So all these thoughts hit me and I realize... I could very easily fall for this person.

Of course, there are complications. Many of them. First of all, in our recent conversations we've talked about what we're looking for in that special person. We don't match each other's descriptions at all. Second, (here's where it's going to come out and you're gonna know who I'm talking about), I used to date his roommate. (Okay, at this point, if you, yes YOU, are reading this, don't stop please. Because you really need to see the whole story.) I know he has a thing about roommates, although I will admit since I've never been too fond of any of my roommates, dating one of their ex-bf's really wouldn't bother me. The same goes for dating the roommate of one of my ex's. Just as long as they're no longer my roommate or roommates! Thirdly, I'm moving in November. Hell of a time to start liking someone. Fourthly, I think he sees me more of as a big sister, albeit one he can flirt with when he's drunk. Fifthly, there's always that question of what if the friendship becomes ruined because the relationship doesn't work out?. That one really sucks. Because I know him and I know it would probably happen. So, do you risk it or not? Lastly, in our recent conversations we've also talked about what we want out of our near future. We both want different things. Incredibly different things. That should put a cap in it right there. It really should. But I will say that despite all this, right at this moment, I'm willing to take a chance.

Why? I don't know! I'm trying to figure that one out myself. Maybe it's because I just feel closer to him emotionally than I ever have to any of my bf's and to most of my best friends. Maybe it's because talking to him gives me a perspective that I never get from anyone else. Maybe it's because I've come to respect him for who he is and don't want to change a thing about him, which is not something I can say about many people. Maybe it's because I feel he understands me and listens to me. Maybe it's because I feel we have such good chemistry when we talk, that the advice and bantering goes back and forth so easily, although I don't know if that will transfer into an actual relationship. Or maybe it's just because I'm getting carried away again, at a time when I know I'm incredibly vulnerable. (But I trust that he respects my vulnerability, so that part I'm not worried about.) I am worried, though, that all this is coming out because I feel vulnerable. That is my big fear. That what I think I'm feeling isn't actually what I am feeling. But I guess I just have to follow my instincts and this is where it has taken me.

But first, I want to know how he feels. I know that things work in two directions. If he's not interested, then fine. Let us go on as we have been. It's not like we've even made out, although the opportunity has presented itself, so those lines haven't been crossed yet. And, like I said earlier, I could very easily fall for this person. It doesn't mean that I have already. (Or am I just kidding myself? Eh. Self-preservation. Whatever works.) So, if you, yes YOU, are reading this (and I fully expect that you know who you are) I hope you're not mad, because I know you can get frustrated when people post stuff about you like this. And know that if the opportunity presents itself, and the timing is right, I will bring it up. Because hell, you're the only person I could bring this up to anyway. With anyone else I'd just shut up. But also know that if you want to talk to me about it, feel free to just say "hey, you know that one Blogger post...?" and I'll know what you mean.

So there it ends. Because for once I'm tired at a decent time and I think I will go to sleep now. But now, at least, I feel lighter, having thought things through a bit in this posting.
posted by Nikki at 11:34 PM

I don't think tomorrow/today is gonna be another one of those productive days at work...

But I just had one of the best conversations with Garrett. Haha... thanks Garrett!

So really... I think I need to accept that I've been hurt in the past. Because, yeah, I used to say it to a certain person- a lot. But I was using it more of as an excuse to not tell him something else. I never believed I was really hurt, because I always told myself that it was what I really wanted in the first place. Or that I was the one who hurt them. Because I didn't wanna give up the power to hurt me. But yeah... Certain events in my past haven't been too happy in the relationship department. And I blame myself for that, because I didn't know what I wanted. So I ended up just going along with things till whatever... And I still don't think I know what I want. Or... I don't know how to say what I want. Or I believe that what I want isn't something valid, that I should have. And so I think that if I open myself up to another relationship I'm gonna get hurt again. Which is most likely gonna be true, statistically speaking. I guess I just have to get over that fear of being hurt.

I also have to learn how to say what I want. And not be wishy-washy or vague about it. I just feel like when I say straight out what I want then I'm being bitchy or something. (My boss even commented on this today. She told me to be more firm when I was asking for things. Hahaha... Shoot. If she can see it then I really need to do it.)

I also really need to sleep.
posted by Nikki at 1:25 AM

More office funnies:
This morning my boss checked her voicemail. The person on the voicemail asked a question. My boss forgot she was checking her voicemail. So she started answering the question. LOL...

God, sometimes you just wanna kiss a person, you know? Other times you just wanna kiss any person. ;)

I get to see The Company on Friday!!!

I'm sad. I don't get to go to New York in March. Instead I have to go to Miami. =( I'd rather go watch Boy From Oz again.

For the first time in MONTHS I've washed every piece of dirty laundry in my room. Wow.

There's this song stuck in my head... but I don't know what it's called or who sings it. That's really annoying. (I held your hand, through all of these years... All piano backup. Who sings that??) But voice class tonight inspired me to play the piano for an hour when I got home. And I wouldn't have stopped except I wanted to watch Cordy come back on Angel. And then I got sad and CRIED when they killed her off. Grrr. I want to go to an arts school. I think I will when I get to the East Coast. Cause I won't have any friends or anything to do after work, so I might as well. And I think some arts schools won't charge an out-of-state fee. So yay.

I haven't eaten dinner yet.

Wow, the randomness of this post.
posted by Nikki at 10:27 PM

You know what I miss? I miss the ice cream truck in my old neighborhood. I could hear that guy coming from the other side of the block. And by the time he got to my house, I'd be waiting impatiently on the sidewalk, with my dollar or two in hand, just to be able to buy the Pink Panther ice cream with the bubble-gum eyes or the cherry bomb popsicle that had three different colors or even the chocolate Carnation malt in a paper cup that you ate with a wooden "spoon". Those were the days...

Office funnies:
Today, our president was trying to contact our Board of Director that is VP of Public Responsibility at MTV Networks. This BOD is essentially the point person for all contact with any celebrity that MTV Networks does business with. Her email reply to our president: "I'm in all kinds of hell right now. Can I get back to you next week?" Our president's reply: "Let me guess- Janet Jackson?" Hahahahaha... Poor thing. I don't envy her right now.

On the whole Janet Jackson nipply boob thing... Who the hell cares? If everyone hadn't made such a big deal out of it, the kids that they're supposedly trying to protect would never have noticed that anything "wrong" happened. Sheesh. Get over yourselves already and worry about what your kid thinks about these things instead of trying to "protect" them from it.

I woke up on the happy side of the bed today. It was really very strange. I haven't felt like this in a long time. The result was one of the most productive mornings I've had at work since, like, September. (Which then ended after I ate lunch, but hey, half a day is good, at least.) But the happy day continued on anyway. I have no idea why it was such a good day. Maybe it was the almost eight hours of sleep I got last night or the fact that I woke up not feeling sickly, miserable, and tired. Actually, ha, that was probably it. Let's see if I can reproduce it...
posted by Nikki at 10:56 PM

Still with the stuffy nose. And it's cold. But I really love the sound of the rain.

Mike and I got into as close to an argument as I've ever gotten with a friend. Hahaha... which is funny cause it wasn't even an argument. It was a discussion where we disagreed. Although, I don't know if we really disagreed. I think I was just too tired to figure out what we were both really saying, cause I think we might have almost been saying the same thing. Plus, I usually play compromiser person so I almost always find a middle ground. That was just too much effort for today, though.

Shoot, I didn't even want to talk today. As much as I could avoid saying anything, that's what I did today. I was so happy when I started working on our website during lunch. I just kept at it and the next thing I knew, it was time to go home. I love working on our website. And I'm glad I've got loads more to do for it, so I won't have to deal with much of anything else for the next couple days. I could totally lose myself in html and javascript code. Geez, I'm such a nerd. The bad thing, though, is that there were some things I should've done today that I completely forgot about. Oops. Oh well. I'm too tired and yucky feeling right now to care very much.

Did I mention I hate being sick? The only time I don't mind being sick is when I don't have to worry about what I'm missing while I'm sick. Then I'm content to lie in bed and sleep or watch TV or knit. Anyway, my brain still feels like it's in this deep British fog. I hope it clears up soon cause I have to fly to Baltimore on Saturday. Great. Even colder weather to make me feel better. And I can't even bring my ice skates cause my knee won't let me skate.

Ohhh... tonight at swing, one of our teachers was wearing a cast on her wrist. She has a torn tendon and they said they were just glad she didn't need surgery. But she has to wear a cast for three weeks. I am so fucking scared of what's gonna happen to my knee now. =( I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not, either. I just wish my doctor would tell me something straight, instead of doing what she did last week. First, she says, "I don't think the bone's broken." And then she followed it up with muttering something about ligaments as she walked away from me... Isn't that just lovely?

I sleep now.
posted by Nikki at 10:24 PM

I've been so out of it. This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I reached for my contact case to put my contacts on. Instead, I noticed that they were empty. Which really confused me at first. My brain was still fuddled, so I had to wonder whether I'd already put them on and just didn't remember it or not. Then I wondered if I had accidently thrown them away last night when I took them off. A couple minutes later I realized, in my fit of sickness-enhanced misery last night, that I'd completely forgotten to take them off and hadn't even realized how weird it was to be able to see perfectly as soon as I woke up.

Yesterday was my day to sleep in. Instead, I woke up before 9am and couldn't go back to sleep. This morning, I said I'd sleep in a little bit. Instead, I woke up at 6am because I couldn't breathe and my nose was still runny. Gross. I hate being sick. And I can't taste my lunch.

I realize all my posts lately have been all me, me, me. Not so down with the pondering life and political issues, etc. stuff. It's just that all this stuff's been going on and it's been hard to concentrate on anything past what's going on right in front of me, as evidenced by this morning's events. Anyway, I gotta work out my issues before I can start fairly commenting upon other people's issues. Let's not get started about Bush and his whole "mission to the moon, mars, and beyond" hype. Never mind the fact that he won't be around to have to worry about paying for it all. Eh. There I go again.

Bye.
posted by Nikki at 12:54 PM

I've gone LiveJournal happy. The problem with that is that on LJ I post entirely too much for the reader, basically cause that's the way LJ is structured. But I don't like it. Hence, here I am.

The skinny...

My knee's jacked. My mom said today that I might need surgery. Let's hope she was being over-dramatic, as she really doesn't know a thing about what's going on with it, other than my complaints every now and then that it hurts.

Lindy Exchange weekend was interesting, yet fun. Saw a bunch of REALLY GOOD swing dancers on Friday and Saturday. Even a solo appearance at Disneyland wasn't all too bad, considering the awesome dancers I got to watch. Kinda wished I could join in though. Sucks when you're not with your partner...

Watched Something's Gotta Give today with my mom. I thought it was slightly predictable, yet funny. And it was incredibly gross seeing Jack Nicholson's ass and watching him screw what's-her-face. Although, I think she's an incredible actress (even though I can't remember her name right now). Keanu surprised me as being a passable doctor. Whoa. Almost made me wish I could hug him. Especially if what I read in some of the tabloids are true. I'd like to be his friend.

Hell, I'd like to be someone's friend. But eh, that's getting into other things. But then again... hey. That's why I'm here and not on LJ! Woohoo! So (with a crack of the knuckles) it's time to rant! I miss having a close friend, or group of friends, that I can talk to on a daily basis and tell everything to. I miss having someone I can just walk up to and hug. I miss just feeling close to people. (Oh yeah, and I'm most likely moving to the East Coast in November.) I've found it hard to maintain close friendships ever since graduation. Part of it is just geography. I live far, far away from people now. At least, the people I used to feel close to. Part of it is just post-graduate life- we're mostly all working now. Boo on the hours. Another part of it, though, is that I just have this feeling of "is this it?" It's disappointment. I want more. So I hold myself back from being close to people so that when I eventually leave, I won't have an excuse to stay. In the meantime, though, it's making me very sad. Which I guess means I shouldn't be doing it. But it's hard. It's this habit I've gotten myself into. I can feel myself holding back from meeting new people and making new friends- although there've been a good number of opportunities for me to. Yet, I still complain that I haven't really met anyone new to make friends with since graduation. That's my fault. And I can feel myself holding back from my friends, too. I don't really know what to say about that. Maybe I'm just worried about the consequences. But I'm sick of spending so much time alone. It was cool the last couple years. But now... I'm just tired of it. Like I said, I want to feel close to people again. I guess I'm just lonely. And the usual people I used to lean on aren't there in quite the same way they used to be, through no one's fault. Or maybe it's just me that needs to lean on someone more than I've ever felt I've needed to before. Or, lean in a different way from what I've needed before. I think before it was more a task-oriented leaning and now it's more an emotional-oriented leaning. Which is not something I'm used to doing. And really don't know how to do.

But all this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself and whatnot, which I guess I am. But I know I shouldn't be and I'm being stupid and all that. And I know that I'm luckier than a lot of people out there. But still, you can't help what you're feeling.

I spent a lot of time with my mom today. It was kind of weird. Yet I tried to put the effort into being kinda buddy-buddy with her. I even managed to get her hooked on Queer Eye. Hahaha! We went to the movies, shopped the Buena Park mall, and got Coldstone's. Then we came home and watched the end of the Superbowl with my dad. It was kinda fun. Wow, did I just say that?

I'm kind of sad, yet excited, about moving. It's really cold over there in the winter. And fucking hot in the summer. And if I do the math, I know I can't afford it. But I know that in the event I do do it, it'll work out somehow. Cause that's what I do. I make the things I want work out.

So that's me right now. Yay. I should sleep. It's late. And I'm not feeling too well. I think the after-shower wet hair at Disneyland on a cold night wasn't such a good idea. But hell. I had fun and I was by myself. So there.
posted by Nikki at 11:45 PM