Nikki's World
I'm not wise and I'm not all-knowing, but the things I've experienced and the thingsI've exposed myself to have taught me that the possibilities in life are endless, which is why I truly believe that we can do anything- if we only put our mind to it. |
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Shouldn't be awake anymore.
Trippy question of the day: "Is it alright if I grab some lunch before I finish this?" Said by my boss, addressed to me. Trivia Night was actually really fun. And Islands makes some good fucking food. Especially after you skipped lunch and was working like a dog all day. I kept thinking to myself, wow I wish some of my friends could've made it. I know they would've liked it. But then I would've probably spent most of the night with them, instead of forcing myself to mingle and talk to some of my fellow volunteers. It was kind of nice. Of course, at the beginning of the night I felt like I'd totally let them down cause here I was, supposed Vice Chair and Day of Chair and I'd done nothing except show up with one of those really long lighter thingies. Cause I'm a pyro and I just happen to keep those lying around. But anyway, yeah. It was good. I had nothing to run on today except pure adrenaline. But right after I got to Trivia Night the Red Bull girls came up to me and asked if I wanted any. Kinda like when Jackie asked me almost the same thing last weekend. I'd never had the stuff before. I'd never event wanted to try it. But I figured, it might actually give me something to keep me going till midnight. So I got one. I took three sips. And I felt like I'd been drinking all night, except I hadn't. It gave me the same buzz as five of those martinis from Tangier. Fucking scary, that shit is. I will never drink it again. Unless it has vodka and cranberry juice with it. I don't know what else to say. I have to pee. Goodnight. Oh yeah. My temp today was flirting with me. He wanted me to drive him to TJ tonight. Ha. But he had pretty blue contact eyes. Oh. Yeah. And web-designer-crush-possibly-gay guy... I got his home address today. Brooklyn. I think I should offer to buy him a drink when I'm in New York in March. I mean, he's helping us out SO much... Scary thing, though... He talks and sounds exactly like cute-guy-next-door. Why can't I ever have crushes on normal, straight guys? Thursday, January 22, 2004
Dehydrated and tired.
With homework. And stress. Want to have fun night out with friends. And make new friends, too. Craving beginning-of-relationship butterflies. To fill empty space in busy life. That was too long for a haiku.
I've been neglecting Blogger lately. And I'm falling into that pattern of posting for the reader, instead of myself. It's got to stop now.
On my work to-do list for the day I've got one thing checked off. Great. And not for lack of working either! Today is the kind of day where I'd rather stay home and bury myself under my covers. By myself. I don't want to move anymore. It's starting to hit me that we ARE moving. Fuck. I don't want to go. I'm sleepy.
There is a reason I didn't take up accounting.
Should I charge my company for the last four hour's worth of overtime I put in? Fuck. That took a long time. And technically, I'm not finished yet. Bad news: I didn't find the missing $100,000 Good news: Our accountant was right. It doesn't exist. Our event planner is either lying or can't do math. And my knee hurts. Damnit. Wednesday, January 21, 2004
I'm not an accountant. I shouldn't be crunching numbers right now.
Your Seduction Stye: "Prized Object"The seduction game you play is tried, true, and still effective: hard to get. You know that the best seducers turn the tables - and get their crush to seduce them. The one running has the power, and you're a challenge that is worth the chase. You are a master of enticing and pulling back. Giving a little and taking some away. You are controlled enough to know rewards come after a long seduction dance. Even though you want to call, email, or say "I love you" first - you don't! Your style is the perfect mix of hot and cold - so much so that you have many suitors. Think Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany's ... or any of those creepy guys from the Bachelor You're skilled at inspiring a chase. The real test is picking the person to slow down for... What Kind of Seducer Are You? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Before I move on with my night...
I must gripe. Excuse the gripy-ness of this post. Today, tomorrow, and the next day, and even possibly the next will be four days of HELL. Why do I have to be in two places at the same time tomorrow night? Why will I not be able to sleep for the next three nights? Why did some fucking idiot (me) schedule a conference call for 11am Eastern Standard Time??? And then why did someone else schedule another conference call for 9am Pacific Time? On the SAME effing day??? AND WHY DID I FORGET ABOUT THE 9AM CALL UNTIL THIS MORNING, THEREBY LEAVING ME UP ALL NIGHT TONIGHT TO DO 6 MONTHS WORTH OF RECONCILING WITH OUR BUDGET????? Why did the stupid person I replaced not have a system for tracking credit card transactions? Why am I the one who has to create a system? And why can my sleep-deprived brain only think of printing out the transactions and physically writing in the margin what each one was for? So this is my task tonight: Go through the 961 credit card transactions that took place between June 1, 2003 and December 31, 2003 and write in what each one was for. Compile an Excel sheet of our revenue from our Annual Conference, tracking how much was brought in from sponsors and from ticketing. Reconcile this with our accountant's records and our event planner's records- which currently have a $100,000 discrepancy. FIND THE MISSING $100,000! Fuck. I will be up all night for this one. Anyone wanna come over and keep me company? Oh yeah, and let's not forget. Thursday is hell day. Thursday is the day when I have work at 8:30am and have class until 10:05pm. Except tomorrow is different. Tomorrow is the day that I fucked up and scheduled an 11am EST conference call, which means I actually have to be in the office by 8am. And then instead of going to class, I have to go to a meeting in Huntington Beach that will last just as long as class would have. Oh yeah, and during the day? Besides the conference calls? Shitloads of work. And shitloads of work AND a temp on Friday. And Friday night- an event that you all should go to. Because I'm putting it on and it's fun and I'm supposed to be helping raise money. So check it out here and go! And Saturday morning- class. And Saturday evening- something I'm not sure I want to go to. I want to sleep. Damnit. I want a boy. Damnit. GRRRRRRRR! Tuesday, January 20, 2004
To top off today's posting marathon...
Santa Ana College has got one of the worst computer systems I've ever seen. Do you know you can log into any of their computers WITHOUT a password, print for free with only a "you're supposed to print no more than 10 pages at a time" restriction, access a significant amount of the school's hard drives, and then change things such as your freaking syllabus??? Our teacher showed us tonight how to access our syllabus on the school's system. When I closed the Word doc it asked me if I wanted to save any changes. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can feel the competitive spirit coming back, though. I hate getting bad grades. So my plan to not do homework and to not study for tests is crumbling. Damn. Now I actually gotta do work. On relationships and my chicken shit-ness: I stopped being my natural flirty self after my last relationship. I find it dangerous to flirt now because I'm too chicken-shit to say "JUST KIDDING!" to people. And then, because I don't say it, I end up in some kind of weird pseudo-relationship with this guy I like spending time with but don't see myself spending more than the next few months with. And hey, what if I actually do like the guy? Then my naturally messed up self will fuck it over by bringing my issues to the surface, thereby fucking him over in the process. And for that, I feel like even more shit so down another notch goes my natural flirty self again. Set to repeat and you have my love life in a nutshell. Now I gotta go do some reading. God, it's weird to be "back in school".
I just saved $56.38 by buying all my textbooks on BarnesandNoble.com. Hooray for monopolizing, discount bookstores. No tax, free shipping, used books, and an extra 5% off.
Just cause I can...
I'm in class! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Remember those days in Powell, when your class was moved for the day so you could "learn how to access the class website"? Ha.
Good Lord. I'd forgotten how boring the first day of class is.
If I ever create a site as girly as my first one (or as girly as the one up on our instructor's screen right now) ever again SHOOT ME. EW. He's telling us to use GeoCities to create our site. That brings back bad memories of freshman year. Yay! It's time to go! Now I gotta go buy a $56 text book. I'd forgotten about those. Eh.
Man, this morning was so productive. And then my co-workers left to go to lunch. And everything went SPLAT!
I carried 400 lbs. of envelopes today. Now my arms feel like rubber. It's time to get back to the gym... Our office is starting to look like a storage facility. I really need to clean some shit out. Okay, so I'm procrastinating right now. But I did a LOT of crap this morning. So there! :p
Hahaha. School. Unprepared am I. Am I supposed to bring something to takes notes with? This is just too weird. And I just remembered that I left my parking permit at home. Damn. There goes another dollar.
Repost from Jackie: HELP WANTED
Nikki brought up something that she and bubbles were thinking about: On the night of the PCN 2002 After Party, who drove Nikki's car? After the party, someone drove her car to IHOP on Sunset and then took us home. But on the way there, Nikki, Bubbles, Jackie, and Lauren were quite toasted and groping each other. And the next part of the question: If the four girls were in the backseat, who was sitting shotgun? Does anyone have any idea? Monday, January 19, 2004
Argh. You'd think, huh? Stupid LiveJournal.
Okay, so I shouldn't be anymore. Really, I shouldn't be. But I got home tonight and boy was my head floating! Of course, it could've been the cat fur at Bubbles' place. It could've been all the sneezing and coughing I did on the way home. It could've been the really cold, cold air. And it even could've been the lack of sleep last night. But whatever it was, it brought back some very recent memories. Man oh man... Jackie- Thanks for letting me stay over and for making me yummy yummy drinkies and for all the yummy edible goodness and for the QAF calendar and for the cherry poppin' good time!!! You know I love spending time with you! Garrett- Thanks for not falling asleep on me! :p And thanks for watchin' out for me, cause I know you were. If "issues" ever pop up and you feel like you just need to talk, gimme a call 'kay? Cause I'll be watchin out for you too! Hahaha... And I love spending time with you too! Ooh, and thanks for the brownie mix!! Bubbles- Thanks for not kicking us out when we dropped by! And for letting us stay so long! And for teaching me to crochet and how to turn! And for the salty oranges. Hehehe... We must all do this again sometime soon! And I do mean ALL! Together. In the same place. At the same time. :p This was a very eventful weekend. And the last 24 hours of it were the best part, I'd say. Heh. Man, do I have some things to reflect on. Anyway, my head's still spinning so I'm gonna go bugger off for a bit. Nite nite all! Saturday, January 17, 2004
Needy people get on my nerves. They suck the life out of you. I am a needy person. But I try to keep it to myself. I don't want to suck the life out of my friends. So instead I suck the life out of myself. I've felt needier than usual in the last few weeks. This is why I am so apathetic today.
I'm also apathetic today because I have a negative sixty-three dollar balance in my checking account. My ideal evening would be having a significant other, or even a FWP, come over and sit on my bed with his arm around me as we watch TV and really cheesy movies on DVD. And food. I'm hungry. I didn't get to the picnic till 3:30 today. Just in time to help my cousin sell scrapbooking stuff. By the time we finished, our parents had packed up all the food. I haven't had lunch. And I barely had breakfast. And I have no money to buy food. And my aunt invited my other aunts and uncles over to play mah jong. Even though my parents are out at another party for the evening. I had planned on wandering the Cerritos mall for the night. Instead I got called back after being there for only ten minutes so I could open the front door for them. Now I don't feel like doing anything. Except having the aforementioned ideal evening.
How quirkyalone are you?
Your score was 107. Very quirkyalone: Relatives may give you quizzical looks, and so may friends, but you know in your heart of hearts that you are following your inner voice. Though you may not be romancing a single person, you are romancing the world. Celebrate your freedom on National Quirkyalone Day, February 14th!
Okay, so I was doing an apartment search in Jersey, to see what the prices are like. And I came upon the apartment complex I lived for the first two years of my life. Which led me to bunches of deja vu and thoughts of coming full circle and shit. And all the while, the only thing I can think of is this picture of me and my grandma sitting on the front steps of this apartment building, with me wearing this red sweater with a pointy hood on top that made me look like an elf. And my grandma's matching red lipstick. And when looking at the picture of this apartment complex on my monitor, I can see the two of us superimposed on the stairs.
I feel like I've just seen a ghost. Friday, January 16, 2004
 You are going to Marry Josh Hartnett. He is really shy, but don't let that fool you. He is really outgoing and sweet with those he loves and will be loyal to them for the rest of his life. Congrats!! Which male celebrity are you going to marry? (10 results that have pics!) brought to you by Quizilla Thursday, January 15, 2004
Here we go again. The office has officially become a madhouse. Today, as I was trying to leave by 12:15 even though it was already 12:30, my phone was ringing off the hook as I waited for an important email I needed to get in and fax out before I left while the fax machine was printing out God knows what. Aaaaaack! It's karma. This is for the last three weeks I've spent sitting on my ASS at work and LJing all the time. Damnit. I knew it would come back to me.
Decision time. Do I knit, read, or watch a DVD? I have no money. Again. (How am I supposed to move if I keep running out of money?)
Interesting...
Daily Horoscope - January 15, 2004 Be disciplined about your emotions today, Nicole, and try not to fly off the handle if a situation gets too intense. It could be that someone is trying to lock you into their world, and is holding tightly onto the key. You feel claustrophobic. Instead of trying to break down the door, consider taking a more conservative approach in your actions. Talk it over. Daily Numeroscope - January 15, 2004 Although it may not feel like it, Nicole, you have always been one of the main instructors in your family hierarchy. On a 6-Day like today, you will clearly see the impact you have had on your family, as well as the impact they have had on you. If you stop to ponder childhood memories today, you will see the active role you had in teaching your parents how to parent you. While they may have gone into it with a sink or swim approach, you were both their educator and student. Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Spending time with my parents always puts me in a bad mood. Especially after I'm already cranky from not having eaten all day. You know what I realized tonight? As much as I know they love me, I don't EVER feel like my parents encourage me. Every time I tell them I want to try something new they say "But this..." or "But that..." For example, tonight I told them that my office most likely is moving and that I want to move with them. Their first reaction, "But you can't afford it!" Their second reaction, "But the taxes are too high over there!" Their third reaction, "But all your friends are here!" If they really mean, "But we don't want you to leave" then fine. Say it. I can understand that. But when they say things that make me feel like I'm making the wrong decision or that make me feel like I'm not capable of making any decision, I just feel hurt. And that sucks. Because I've spent the last twelve years being hurt by them. I wonder if they ever stop to think about what kind of opportunity it would be for me. If they ever think, "Hey, maybe she'll learn something from it." Or "Maybe it'll be good for her." The ONLY time I can remember them saying, outright, that they were proud of me was at my college graduation. And I'm sorry to say it, but DUH. What parents aren't proud of their kids at graduation? I'll admit that I wasn't proud of me at graduation. I graduated without doing everything I wanted to while I was in college. And while I know I still did a lot, I don't think it was enough. So, no, I was not proud of me at graduation. But back to the topic at hand... When I told my parents I'd taken up snowboarding their first reaction was, "But you'll get hurt." When I told them I wanted to compete for figure skating my dad (and I'm not kidding here) said, "But you're too fat". When I told them I was taking swing dancing they said, "Oh. That's nice." I thought at least that one would get a reaction out of them! It's something that my mom, at least, likes to do. But no. She said nothing. I'm just sick of this. This is why, when I told them tonight, "I want OUT" I really meant it. I didn't think I meant it when I said it. And I didn't mean for it to come out so vehemently. But after I'd said it I knew that it was for real. I want out of here. I can't stand living here. I spent all of high school resigned, knowing that my parents didn't have the best parenting skills. I spent most of college crying over it. And now I'm just over it. I don't even want to deal anymore. Don't get me wrong. I know my parents love me and that I love them. I know they did the best they could for me and I am thankful for it. But I feel like I'm becoming more and more dysfunctional every day from living here. If my parents can't tell me outright that they're worried about me or that they miss me, how do they expect me to be able to say that to others? It's no wonder I haven't been able to have a serious relationship. I grew up not knowing how to express my true feelings. It wasn't until college that I started telling people how I actually felt about things. Even now I don't tell most things to people. And I can NEVER tell people how I really feel about something to their face. I haven't even said "I love you" to my parents out loud since before junior high. I come from a non-communicative family and I fucking hate it. And as much as I've tried slowly fixing things over the past few years I don't think I can do it anymore. Because I feel like I'm the only one who keeps getting hurt. So when I told them tonight that I was sick of living in their house I didn't even feel bad that I might have hurt their feelings. It sucks, I know. And I'm mean, I know. But I really don't care anymore. I've been getting hurt by my parents for a long time. And they think I've grown up just fine. So if that's what they want to think then that's what I'll let them think. Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Life As A House is a very good movie. And it makes me cry.
I think I've been feeling better lately because now I have some sort of direction. Before, I had no clue where I was going. I had nothing to work towards except some vague notion of wanting to do something in some number of years. My philosophy has always been to let fate carry me along until the thing I didn't know I was looking for hits me in the face. But sometimes I stop listening and get lost for a while. And once fate's decided it's taught me enough of a lesson, it slaps me so hard I hit the ground. I'm still recovering from this last slap, but I can already feel it's effects. It's nice to have a goal. And isn't that what I said I would do for my New Year's resolution? Make goals? So my goal is to enjoy life as much as I can in Southern California until November. And once the final decision is made whether we stay or leave, I'm going to do my best to keep enjoying my life and take advantage of everything that fate throws my way. Sometimes I just drown in myself, which is a pretty selfish thing to do. It makes me hate myself even more. So I guess fate is right in throwing me to the ground at times. It's the only thing that'll get my attention when things get that bad. But you can't help but get angry at fate every now and then. Sometimes the things it makes you do are not the things you want to do, even if you know it's good for you. Eh. I'm rambling again. Last night I dreamed I was in the Philippines, except it wasn't the Philippines. It was some sort of island country, though, where the islands were only a few hundred feet away from each other. But each island had it's own "tribe" and didn't really associate with the other islands. My cousins were on the island, too, both my real cousins and my "cousins" from here. So was a certain person. And in my dream we, including this certain person, were in this thing I guess you could call a car (except it started out as a tub that for some reason we all fit in) and we started talking again. And we stood next to each other and I put my arm through his and everything was nice. I miss those days. I still cry when I think of grandpa.
Oh my.
As of 1pm today I am officially a college student again. LOLOLOL So here's my proposed schedule (more for me to look over tonight so I don't have to take it home from work): Tuesday: Dreamweaver- 5:30-6:50pm Wednesday: Beginning Voice- 6-7:50pm Thursday: Dreamweaver- 5:30-6:50pm HTML- 7-10:05pm Saturday: Javascript- 8-11:05am Sunday: Flamenco- 1-2:50pm Does anyone else see the irony of this? Hahahahahahahaa... Basket Weaving 101 here I come!
Woo! Chicago meeting's been moved to Costa Mesa! I never thought I'd be happy that I didn't have to travel. But I'm really not in the mood to pack up and go TWICE in one month. Especially when business suits are involved. Oh shit. Reminder to self: go to the dry cleaners! Monday, January 12, 2004
 cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be close to your special someone and feel warm, comfortable, and needed What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Today was an uneventful and slow day. But I did manage to slap the monkey for a while. I also defended my castle and watched little stick figures go splat with a lot of blood. I splatted over 120 stick figures. It was actually kind of gratifying.
I actually swing danced tonight. It was better than I thought it would be. I kind of forgot a few triple steps and had to catch up with a couple moves I missed, but in all it wasn't too bad- until they started the slide/lunge step thing! Eek. That kind of hurt. Oh. And reminder to self: DO NOT PUT ANY WEIGHT ON YOUR RIGHT TOES. I did it while walking up the stairs tonight and felt a crack in my kneecap. EW. I ordered Photoshop and Dreamweaver for the office today. Happy days they are a-comin! I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. Just thought I'd get that out of my system. Anyway. Still feel breakable. That's all. Sunday, January 11, 2004
 'Complete Psycho' PLEASE VOTE!!! What Type of Lunatic are You? (With Cool Pics!!) brought to you by Quizilla I think my knee has had a setback. I also think I'm very emotionally vulnerable right now. I don't know why I think that, I just do. I have this feeling that any random person could come up to me right now and break me in two. It's kind of a sad, yet self-indulgent mental picture.  You are water. You're not really organic; you're neither acidic nor basic, yet you're an acid and a base at the same time. You're strong willed and opinionated, but relaxed and ready to flow. So while you often seem worthless, without you, everything would just not work. People should definitely drink more of you every day. Which Biological Molecule Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
Argh. This last week was the US Figure Skating Nationals. I forgot. And I apparently missed one of Michelle Kwan's most awesome performances in the last eight years. AAAAAAAACK!
Oh. But. The guy who won this year's junior men's title is a kid I watched LEARN to skate back when I used to skate. It's kind of scary to think that I've literally watched this guy practice his way to a gold medal. And the girl who got 7th at this year's senior level is a student of one of my last coaches. I remember my coach telling me this girl had just learned how to do a triple lutz the week before I started taking lessons with her AND that this girl landed it on her first try! I'm so sad. I want to skate again.
Saw Chasing Liberty yesterday. I actually liked it! It was cute. And so was Matthew Goode- especially when he says "that's total bullocks!" =) There was only one scene that I thought was over-the-top-make-me-gag-bad-acting cheesy. Unfortunately, it was one of the major scenes in the movie, but the moment was over after only a short eternity so it wasn't too bad.
Happy belated birthday Abby! Last night was Tangier- for Abby's birthday party, of course. It was fun! A lot more fun that I thought it would be, especially since I didn't get an "official" evite. Of course, that might have something to do with the six drinks I had. They have AWESOME martinis. I started with an "X in the city" and followed it five minutes later with an "Absation". About fifteen minutes later I ordered a "Cream Dream", which I promptly spilled a third of, partially on Arnold. Sorry Arnold! The funny thing, though, was when he started trying to lick it off his shirt saying "can't waste it!" Yes, I was kind of gone by then, as the reason why I spilled the drink was because my left hand knocked into my right hand, which was holding the drink. How dumb. Haha. And because I'd spilled a good amount of a very tasty drink I had to get another one. By this one, though, I was starting to get slightly nauseated so I thought I'd take a short break. Of course, this was when James offered to buy me another one, which I couldn't very well politely refuse. Thanks James! He even had the bartender put it in a spill-proof wine glass for me. Hahahaha... And lastly, in honor of Bubbles, he bought me a Scooby Snack, which I will say was quite yummy and very strong. It was stronger than all five of my martinis together. And this, of course, had the result that I couldn't stand very steadily for the next few hours. Which was actually fine because I'd done all that drinking in the space of two hours, so I really needed the break. Sheesh. I haven't imbibed that much alcohol TOTAL in the last year. Oh, and Emerson and James- you provide the best party conversation! LOL... I must also thank Garrett (did I spell it right? ;) for convincing me to go, driving, and being such a great conversationalist and party buddy! You know I love... spending time with you! And for the record- you are a very big flirt when you're drunk! Or actually, just in general. :p As if you didn't already know. And I also have to thank Bubbles for teaching me a neat knitting trick today! Hahaha... I feel like a grandma when I knit. But it's so much fun! All in all, this was a really fun weekend. More fun than I've had in a long time. It took me back to the good old days in Westwood and made me realize how much I miss hanging out with everyone. Now that I'm in the mindset that I'll most likely be moving in ten months it's giving me a different perspective on things. I've been such a homebody lately, because I'm always tired from work or busy volunteering and doing all my other stuff. But I haven't taken the time to hang out with a lot of my friends. Most especially with a few of my close friends. It was nice being able to bond again. Hopefully I'll be able to do it more in the next ten months before I leave. I've kind of got that "I want to take advantage of everything I can, while I can" thinking going on right now. You know how it goes, you never miss it till it's gone- or threatened to be. So thanks everyone for a great weekend! Saturday, January 10, 2004
I'm incredibly tired and sleepy.
A little supper? Ah... I’d rather just get it over and done with. Very well, why don’t you come down here and let’s get it, “over and done with”. I’d prefer to do it standing... Mmmm, of course. You don’t have to; stand it mean, sometimes it’s quite long, I want you to be comfortable. It’s very modern what I do, it might feel a little strange at first, but if you’re open I think you’ll enjoy it. I’m sure I will. I have no money. On why, on some level, I actually like politics: I equate the concept of politics to possibility. Anything is possible through politics. It doesn't mean it will happen, but it could. On why I love DC: Besides it being the home of politics in this country, the city itself breathes history. And austerity. And almost all the public attractions are free. And pretty. And I could sit inside one of the atriums of the National Museum of Art for hours and read. And I could spend the whole day walking around the Mall. Or wandering the Library of Congress. And finally get to tour the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. And the Shakespeare Library. And I know that every third person I walk by has a job that will, in some way, have an impact on my life. And it has an awesome public transportation system. And I want to live there. Thursday, January 08, 2004
Okay, so I've turned into a LiveJournal fiend. The following is Bubbles' answer to a survey I put up: nikki is an optimistic person by nature, even when she's mad or sad, she deals with it as an optimist would.Here's the one that really got to me: 8. Do you think I'll get married?I never thought of that before. But now that I do, wow. Do I really come off that way? It's kind of amazing when I think about what I've come through in the last couple of years. Besides graduating from UCLA I got a job doing something I had absolutely no background in, passed all my licensing tests the first time through, and got promoted to Junior Partner in only five months. Then I quit that job, got another job where I was supposed to be a glorified gopher, but am now turning into the "I do everything my boss and our mentorship program manager don't do" person. Which includes handling our membership of 1500 people, acting as office manager (processing invoices and checks for both us and our non-profit foundation along with all the other mundane paperwork/office-supply ordering), taking care of all web-related services, such as being webmaster, job-bank manager, online newsletter editor (and sometimes graphic artist and writer), and backup event-planner/registration expert. It's kind of scary when I think about all the stuff I'm in charge of- and how much time I still have to go online throughout the day! It kind of makes me think back to those days while I was growing up (not to say that I'm not still growing up) where I always thought I was meant to do something special. Maybe not necessarily "big", but special. I just don't know what that is yet. But I know that if I trust my instincts, it will eventually happen. And maybe it sounds dumb, but I can feel that I'm just on the verge of getting on that path. Maybe moving to New York is a part of that. Maybe it's just about finally leaving this place, my security blanket. When I started this job I told myself it would only be for a year, maybe two, and then I'd get sick of it and quit. But I'm starting to feel like this is where my future will lie. As if, I need to stay because it's my next stepping-stone to whatever's next. Wait, that didn't explain it right. I feel like whatever happens after this job, it will be a direct result of me staying with my current job for the time being- even if it means moving to the East Coast with them. I can't think of any other company or any other position that would have let me travel, meet new people, experience new things, and gain as much experience as this job has in the last six months. And on top of that the people I work with and for are awesome and awe inspiring. They are the "top dogs" in their industry. They ARE the guts behind what you see on TV. And even better is the fact that I believe in what my company works toward: a more diverse workplace. I'm learning so much that it would be a mistake for me to leave any time soon. There's so much left for me to learn here. For example, I just got approval to buy the Adobe Creative Suite!! That's $700! But the reason I got approval for it is because we can now "fire" the person we use to create our e-postcards (whom we pay $1,000 per postcard!) and have me do them instead! Eeek. It's a lot of responsibility, especially for a person who has no graphic arts background, but it's just another reason for me to LEARN how to do it. I could never gain this kind of experience with another company. What's even better is that the people I work with understand that my job is not my life. If I want to take a day off so I can spend a 3-day weekend visiting my god-daughter, it's fine. If I want to take 2 weeks off to go galavant around Spain with my parents, it's fine. If I have to schedule a doctor's appointment at 2pm in Santa Monica, it's fine. They understand that as long as I get the work done, my time is mine. (Not to mention they understand how important- and how long- shopping and having a good lunch is.) It's amazing! Okay, so I know I've been raving about my job. But that's because I really do like it. Even on those days, like recently, where I haven't felt like going to work it's had nothing to do with my job. I don't mind doing the work at all, I just haven't been in the mood to get my butt out of bed. I guess I'm just saying all this because it's the reason why I would move with my office. Even if it means leaving behind all the people I love the most. It's the leap off the building that I need to take right now. And I know that whatever happens and whatever obstacles I hit, I'll work it through- somehow. Cause in my life things may not turn out the way I want them to, but they definitely turn out.
Woohoo! I just got approval to spend $700 on new software for the office! =) Sometimes I really love my job.
On following my instincts:
Last week I went to lunch at Ruby's. Next to the cashier is this huge gumball machine with a sign on it that says "win a free root beer float if you get a red gumball". As soon as I read the sign I knew I would win. No question. So without thinking about it I pulled out a quarter and put it in. And what do you know, a red gumball comes out. It wasn't until after I was holding the gumball for a few seconds that I thought about what I just did. Then I just blinked a couple times and was like, WTF? Wouldn't it be nice if I could do that for, say, the LOTTO?? Oh Lord. What have I got myself into. My boss just came to talk to me about moving the office to the East Coast. It looks like we ARE moving. In November. We just don't know whether it will be to New York or DC. Oh boy. I told her last month that I would love to move. It just came out of my mouth. Really quickly. I didn't even stop to think about it. But now that I do, oh Lord. I would love to move, really. But not for long. I don't want to be gone for more than a year, maybe two. And I would definitely need a raise. A good one. I have so many bills. And I wouldn't be able to save for Europe if I'm paying that much rent. Oh my God. And then I'd be leaving all my family and my friends. And Steffi. At the very least, though, it would mean I'd appreciate Southern California more. Oh Lord. I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'm gonna hyperventilate. I know if they move, I'll move. Because it's not the sort of thing I'd ever pass up. But oh my God.... Aaaaaaaaah! Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
I'm not good at affection. Teasing, physical intimacy without emotion, fine. But if you show me affection I will have no clue what to do with it. And if you expect it from me in return, well, you're just fucked. I think this is the reason why I haven't ever had a normal relationship. I don't know what to do with them. Oh, I know how to pretend: hold hands, play kissy-kissy every now and then, smile, but it doesn't mean you actually feel anything inside. I think the one thing I'm missing most in my life right now is affection, because I don't know how to let anyone in. It's the one thing I want to feel the most, but it's also the one thing I could be furthest from. I know that I could go out and find some random guy and pretend it exists for a few hours, but it wouldn't be true. And then I'd just be disappointed in the end. Or else I could just stay as I am right now and live disappointed all the time. But for it to be real, I'd have to work at it. I'd have to find someone to build a relationship with and that's just not me. With every guy I've ever really liked I've made up some excuse to distance myself from them, usually by playing the "friends first, significant other later" card. I have yet to find a guy that is less fucked up than I am in the emotions department, anyway. And the funny thing is most people I know don't know this about me. My parents have no clue how fucked up I am. They just wonder why I make snide comments all the time. They don't actually think something could be wrong. Hell, my friend's parents didn't know that she'd sunk into a deep, deep depression (the kind where she wouldn't get out of bed for days at a time) until they went and visited her at school because she didn't answer their phone calls for a few weeks. Her dad literally had to carry her out of her dorm room, into their car, and then into their home. This from the people who are supposed to know you best in life. It's amazing how many people seem to function normally day-to-day but are really just big knots of chaos inside.
I didn't have one drop of alcohol to drink until I was 19. I was afraid that once I tried it, I wouldn't be able to stop. And I was right. For two years I drank and drank and drank. I was at a point where I could have 8 drinks in one night and still be functioning the next morning. Once I turned 21 though, I was suddenly legal. It wasn't fun anymore because it wasn't something I was not allowed to do. And I remember the turning point. I was in a really bad mood one night and home alone. I didn't know what else to do with myself, so I started drinking. I just remember sitting in my room, drunk as hell, thinking to myself "what the fuck am I doing?" I scared the shit out of myself. I was thinking about all the "what ifs". After that, I never drank that much again. And I never drank alone again until last month. People are often amazed when I tell them I've never tried one illegal substance. I've never smoked out, I've never dropped E. Until last year I'd never even seen any form of an illegal substance in person. But I have been tempted as hell. The only reason I haven't tried it is because I know that if I start, I won't be able to stop. Just that one time will give me permission to do everything I've ever wanted to, but was too afraid to try. Like seeing what happens when you actually swallow that whole bottle of advil instead of just the sixteen you stopped yourself at or that leftover bottle of vicodin (I didn't throw it away for a reason). There is also a reason I drive the way I do at times when I'm alone in the car. My one rule is that no one dies in my car except me. So when I'm with other people, I drive safe. But when I'm alone and feeling reckless I like to tempt fate. I like to see what happens when I go over 100 mph. I like to see how fast I can go around corners without tipping over. I like to feel the engine straining to keep up with my foot pushing harder on the gas pedal. When I get in those moods, the thought of my car rolling over and over and smashing into a center divider or through a guard rail only fills me with a sadistic sort of happiness. What it boils down to is that I have a self-destructive nature. If I allow myself to do what I really want to do, I will push myself until I die. I have gone for three days without eating anything and only drinking one glass of water each day just because I was pissed off at someone. And when I almost passed out while getting out of the shower on the third day I said fuck it and ate an entire large pizza by myself. I would go for days without sleep in college just because I felt that I deserved to feel like shit. If I didn't exercise the control and restraint that I do at times, I would've driven off a "cliff" next to the 91 freeway somewhere between Corona and Yorba Linda while doing 90 mph last year. I think I started feeling this way somewhere between the fifth and sixth grade, about the time we moved out of our house in Cerritos to Buena Park. It's been fifteen years. I spent most of junior high sitting in my room in the dark watching tv or reading. I had no clue what was wrong with me until I met my first best friend in high school. She was more fucked up than I was. By the time I met her, she was 13 and had tried to commit suicide twice. (The first time she tried slitting her wrists, but chickened out and didn't cut deep enough. The second time she swallowed a bunch of random pills she found in her grandmother's medicine cabinet. She also tried it a third time, a couple years after we'd been friends. I don't know what stopped her that time. She never told me.) And she talked about it like it was no big deal, even though I knew that she knew it was. But she came from the sort of background where you'd think she'd have a reason for it. I, on the other hand, seemingly had no reason to feel the way I did. So I hung out with her because we were able to form a bond. Deep down, we knew what each other was feeling. Only, she expressed herself while I didn't. I can't even count the number of times I had to bail her out of bad situations. I was "the good influence" and she was "the bad influence." At least, that's how our moms thought of us. I guess it's the only thing I have to thank my parents for. They put so much pressure on me "to be a good girl" that on the outside I had to live it. So I learned how to convince everyone that I was a smiley, happy person. And only on those really bad days did I crack and accidentally let it out. But I was always able to pass it off as "oh, I'm just having a bad day" because no one knew. And they wouldn't have believed me anyway if I told them, because I was "such a good girl." I begged my parents for three years to let me go to a public school for high school. I knew that in public school there'd be more people for me to meet. More people who were hopefully "normal." But they wouldn't let me. They said a private school education was better than a public school one, so there I stayed. What they didn't know was that I was in a class of 70 girls that included (in addition to my best friend) a bulemic ballerina whose mother wired her jaw shut before an audition because she weighed 106 pounds instead of the required 100, a cutter who always claimed that her cat scratched up her arms enough to make them bleed, an ASB that spent every weekend getting high at the president's house, a friend that was addicted to her mom's vicodin and would pop one every couple hours at school, a girl that was so depressed all the time that she admitted she was seeing a shrink (something you just don't do while you're in high school), and good friends who wouldn't even bother going to a house to get high on any random day of the week. They just hung out on the grassy knoll at the local park. After spending four years with them, I thought "hell, I fucking am normal" and never gave it another thought. Until college. By that time I thought I was just stupid for thinking the things I did. So I ignored it. And it worked for a while. I was finally on my own, doing what I wanted to do. Every now and then I'd hit rock bottom. It was these times that I did my midnight Malibu runs. I found the most beautiful turn-off on PCH (which also happened to be a local make-out spot) and would sit there in the dark and the cold, listening to the ocean crash on the rocks below. At one point, I was in such a bad funk that I'd go for walks alone at 2am through campus. I dared anyone to try and attack me. But a part of me wished they would. Anyway. I don't know why I started rambling like this. I guess I'm just tired of keeping it to myself. And I'm getting tired of making allusions to it. That's all.
My lips feel warm and my face feels warm, but apparently my body is freezing, because the thermometer is way below normal body temperature.
And I feel like crap. And I give up. Fuck it and fuck him. I think the reason I feel like shit has less to do with being physically sick than emotionally battered.
I think that naproxen stuff brought down my temperature. I wasn't feeling so good before I took it...
My boss has spent almost the ENTIRE day on the phone. The last 30 minutes of which were on her cell phone. They're currently talking about recent movies they've seen. Oops. She's off...
A ticket to Vail, CO will only cost me $144 round trip. Too bad I'd also have to pay for a place to stay and lift tickets once I get there...
Okay, so lunch today was... interesting. Enough said. Next month I will be in Baltimore AND Chicago. And then in May I'll be New Orleans. Here we go again... I am so incredibly tired. Not just in the way that I want to crawl in bed and sleep (although I want to do that too) but I am thoroughly mentally exhausted. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to put effort into anything anymore. (Which is good for work, cause I never have to put effort into anything I do. But it's bad for everything else, because I don't want to do it anymore.) It just takes up too much of my energy to go out, to think of things to say to whomever I'm with, to think of places to go, or to even get ready to go. At this moment I'd be very happy sitting on my bed and staring at a blank TV screen. Monday, January 05, 2004
I fucking hate this. I hate being a baby. I hate that my knee hurts. I hate that I was the idiot that fell on it. I hate that it hasn't gone away yet. I hate that I keep acting like a simpering fool cause it hurts. I hate that I think it hurts even though I've had other injuries that hurt more. And I hate that I can't do what I want to do because I'm the dumbass that doesn't know how to look out for ice and then goes and whines and complains (while trying not to whine and complain) that it hurts even though it doesn't hurt as bad as other things I've had and it's not even that bad of an injury. But it fucking does hurt and I'm more afraid than in pain that it's worse than I think it is and it'll never go away and I'll never be able to skate or snowboard or walk through Disneyland for a whole day ever again.
The laundry gods beckoned and bade me washeth thy month worth of dirty clothes.
But they do not provide an answer to a new dilemma: Where do I put all the clothes once they're washed?? Even though I haven't done laundry in a month, my closet does not look like it's missing a month's worth of clothes. Even I see the wrongness of that. I should just take everything that's in there right now and dump em at the Salvation Army. If I haven't worn it after a month of not doing laundry, I'm never going to wear it again.
News Flash:
I might be going to Baltimore in February for a conference. Weee! My knee hurts. Quite a bit actually. I thought all that lounging I did last week in bed was just cause I was too lazy to go out, since it wasn't really hurting that much anymore. I think I need to lounge more again. Arrrgh. I am so so SO bored. And LJ was down, of course.
The clock on my phone says 3:33. Weee!
My knee hurts and I'm sleepy. No swing for me tonight. =( I've got two hours left at work and I don't know what to do with them. It's times like these that I wish my boss couldn't see my monitor over my shoulder from her office. I'm getting stuffy (yet runny) nose, sneezy, sore throat sick. =( I have nothing profound to say. I'm just bored at work. La da da... Oh, I finally got a box of business cards in. They're fun! They look like MTV's business cards. I still don't feel like doing anything productive. I feel as if I'm running from the email that has actual work included in them. I got a phone call from my old high school this afternoon, asking me to come back and participate in Career Day this year. Am I that old now?
One hundered albums you should remove from your collection
taken from the great idea of dopenose, even though I stole it from Chromie it's good to read up on why these albums are to be disposed of from the article that lists them (if you know where to find it, cause I don't). you don't have to read all of them, just the ones you own, cause you know them...i'm bolding the ones that are present in my house at the moment, whether we own it proper or not. i add my own comments too. The Clash - Combat Rock U2 - The Joshua Tree Nirvana - Nevermind Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band - Trout Mask Replica The Beatles - Let It Be The Replacements - Tim The Police - Synchronicity Lou Reed - Transformer Miles Davis - Bitches Brew David Bowie - Hunky Dory Nick Cave - The Boatman's Call Led Zeppelin - Physical Graffiti Stereolab - Transient Random-Noise Bursts with Announcements Oasis - What's the Story, Morning Glory? Echo and the Bunnymen - Heaven Up Here Public Enemy - Apocalypse '91 - The Enemy Strikes Black Pearl Jam - Vs. Death Cab for Cutie - Something About Airplanes Beck - Midnite Vultures Fugazi - 13 Songs Derek and the Dominoes - Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs The Who - Tommy Tom Waits - Mule Variations Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique U2 - Zooropa The Posies - Dear 23 Red Hot Chili Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magik - Macy Gray - On How Life Is White Stripes - White Blood Cells Chemical Bothers - Dig Your Own Hole Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin Jefferson Airplane - Surrealistic Pillow Dave Brubeck - Time Out Beastie Boys - Hello Nasty Prince - Emancipation John Coltrane - Giant Steps Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention - We're Only In It For The Money Wilco - Being There Morrissey - Morrissey Pulp Fiction - Original Soundtrack The Police - Zenyatta Mondatta The Kinks - Arthur - Or the Decline and Fall of the British Empire Jane's Addiction - Nothing's Shocking Celine Dion - Colour of My Love Helmet - Meantime Smashing Pumpkins - Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness XTC - White Music Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation - Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas Radiohead - I Might be Wrong: Live Recordings Built To Spill - Live Mogwai - Come On Die Young Hole - Live Through This Tori Amos - Under the Pink Arrested Development - 3 Years, 5 Months, & 2 Days In The Life Of No Doubt - Tragic Kingdom Love and Rockets - Earth, Sun, Moon Ben Folds Five - Whatever and Ever, Amen Elvis Presley - From Elvis In Memphis Alejandro Escovedo - Bourbonitis Blues Rancid - And Out Come The Wolves Green Day - Dookie And I was doing so well too... but I will admit, this is one of my favorite albums. So ha! Rush - Moving Pictures Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, Surfacing Got Surfacing, but only cause Angel was used in an episode of Buffy Ani DiFranco - Self-titled/Puddle Dive/Not So Soft Paula Cole - This Fire Einstürzende Neubauten - Kollaps U2 - War Gin Blossoms - New Miserable Experience Counting Crows - August and Everything After Offspring - Smash The Cult - Electric The Beatles - Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band Michelle Shocked - Captain Swing Sinead O'Connor - Am I Not Your Girl? Erykah Badu - Mama's Gun Dinosaur Jr. - You're Living All Over Me Cat Stevens - Footsteps in the Dark The Wallflowers - Self-titled R.E.M. - Out of Time The Presidents of the United States of America - Self-titled Russell Simins - Public Places Grateful Dead - ALL RECORDINGS Pink - Missundaztood Husker Du - Zen Arcade Bob Marley & the Wailers - Legend Madonna - The Immaculate Collection I'm pretty sure I have it somewhere... The Spunk - Spunk's Not Dead Bad Brains - Rock For Light Sting - Ten Summoner's Tales Sublime - Self-titled Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes INXS - Listen Like Thieves The Roots - Things Fall Apart The Prodigy - Music for the Jilted Generation Beastie Boys - Check Your Head/Ill Communication The Doors - The Best of the Doors Alicia Keys - Songs in A Minor The Wu Tang Clan - The W Kool Keith - Black Elvis HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA... I find it funny that even though I have over 200 cd's, I could only bold 3 of these. Probably cause I have more soundtracks and broadway musicals and classical/jazz music than anything else...
Well, gee, that was nice. Ten minutes after I get to work this morning and a fire is reported on my floor. So we get to do the 12 flight walk down the stairs. And then five minutes after we get outside we're told, false alarm! Of course.
Should've gone to Starbucks. 16 of the 34 emails in my inbox this morning were spam. How dumb. One voicemail when I got in this morning, too. It was from my boss, saying she's running late. Why am I here today? Sunday, January 04, 2004
If I had $50 million I would:
-Pay off all my bills, my parent's bills, and my parent's house. ($400K) -Give my parents enough money to retire and live comfortably for the rest of their life. ($5 million) -Fix up my grandparent's house in the Philippines. ($5K) -Offer to pay for any and all of my cousin's college educations with the stipulations that a) they only take something they want to take (ie. art) and not something they need to take (ie. nursing) and b) they finish and put their degree to good use. ($500K) -Pay for my god-daughter's education for as far as she wants to go. ($300K) -Quit my job after finding them a decent replacement for me. -Give NAMIC $1 million to start a cash reserve fund, the interest of which can be used to support any of their initiatives. -Give the NAMIC Foundation $2 million to open more technology centers that will teach people in low income neighborhoods how to use computers, etc. -Give BHGH $1 million, part of which can be used to open more houses if they so desire. -Leave the following January for my nine month trip through Europe and the UK, finally putting my anthro degree to use by experiencing various cultures. Take Tam-tam with me for Greece and Italy and Spain, Jackie for Italy, Bubbles for Germany, and Marie for the UK. ($150K) -Come back in September for my birthday and spend parts of November, December, January, and February at the best snowboarding resorts in the US. ($50K) -Tour Japan for April and May. ($20K) -Take Tiffany on a one month vacation to anywhere she'd like to go for her graduation. ($20K) -Visit Australia and New Zealand for September and October. ($20K) -Come back and buy a 3 bedroom townhome somewhere in LA/OC. (I give myself up to $1 million for this one- including furnishings.) -Buy an SUV for snowboarding and road trips and either an Infiniti G35 Sport or Lexus or BMW for day to day driving. ($125K) -Buy a 2 bedroom condo in New York for those times I want to take a weekend to watch a Broadway show. Rent it out for cheap to a student while I'm not there. ($1 million) -Buy a townhome on Beacon Hill in Boston. Rent it out for cheap to a student while I'm not there. ($1 million) -Buy a cozy place in either Mammoth or Tahoe for boarding trips. Rent it out for cheap while I'm not there. ($500K) -Go back for grad school, probably an MBA and another degree(s) (public policy and marketing?) that will help me start my businesses/foundations. ($250K) -Start my volunteer foundation. ($5 million) -Open my bookstore/coffee shop that provides free literacy education to the neighborhood. ($200K) -Find someone who likes to educate people and travel and marry them. -Live off the interest of the remaining $30 million for the rest of my life, spending my time volunteering, looking after my businesses/foundations, and traveling. *sigh* Such a beautiful dream...
It's all together too quiet in this house. I just woke up. It's silent. It's nice but very disconertingly out of the ordinary. They must've gone to church or something... even though it's an hour before they usually go. And I didn't even hear them leave... I must've been dead to the world.
Today is my dad's birthday. I must remember my new year's resolution and try to not be a bitch today. Last night I had a dream that my dad was having an affair. My mom knew and for some reason I didn't care. I should remember not to stay up till 4am knitting again. It makes your mind do weird things. One day left. *sigh* Then it's back to the real world.
There is nothing sweeter and sadder than hearing Hugh Jackman sing this song in Boy From Oz. And I can't for the life of me figure out why they cut out this scene! It was the best one! :( The late George Woolnough worked on High Street and lived on Manners*sigh* In other news, I taught myself to purl today. And I can now do a decent garter stitch and stockinette stitch, but my ribbing needs lots of work! And I now also have a one foot length of randomly patterned knit white something. I have no clue what this thing could be used for. The beginning looks like an old sock and in the middle there are some pretty and not-so-pretty patterns... Saturday, January 03, 2004
Never, ever take a naproxen 500mg tablet without having food in your stomach. Or without at least a half a cup of water to swallow it with. That shit burns. It burns your tongue. It burns your throat. And then it burns your stomach. And even if you drink a WHOLE LOT of chocolate milk and then a glass of water after you take it, it still burns. WTF is this shit that my doctor is making me take??? I think your dream is on a different level. You're a mixture of child and woman. You've got a very childish, naive attitude towards life in many ways, but also a very gentle, kind attitude towards people. You're much more compassionate than me. Think you're a natural giver, but you've been hurt and don't give as much of yourself away as you used to." The Last Year of Being Single, Sarah Tucker
Oh really...? Issues regarding love and romance should be going rather well for you lately, dear Virgo. You will find that your natural tendency to ground and plan is working perfectly with your desire to find what you want in a mate. You may find that things are about to come to a dramatic climax in your emotional realm. A foggy, dreamy feeling may be making it difficult for you to keep your feet on the ground.I don't think so!!! Wouldn't I wish things would "come to a dramatic climax" already! And not in that way! Geez. I'm sick of waiting. I just want to get it over with already. Damnit. I will say what's on my mind. Friday, January 02, 2004
Ever have that feeling like you want to run and bury your head in the sand? As if just because you can't see people, they can't see you?
I have so much crap I could/should be doing right now (laundry, BHGH stuff, UCLA scholarship stuff, cleaning my room) but I just want to hide under the covers in my bed and pretend that none of it exists. And at the same time I find myself bored out of my mind. Not in the mood to read or play the piano or mess around on my computer or even socialize with my parents. What I really feel like doing is going skating or walking through Disneyland or (heaven forbid) snowboarding. Of course, my personality requires that whatever I want to be doing right now is exactly what I CAN'T be doing right now. When I was little I always wished I would get hurt, so I wouldn't have to do PE. And, of course, the extra attention of having a cast or even just an ace bandage was something that little Nikki wouldn't at all have minded. But now I just wish it'd go away so I could go do what my fleeting desires want to do! Which right now is something physical that requires me to focus and will completely envelope my mind for a time, so I won't have to keep thinking certain things about certain things!!!
The bad thing about wearing a thong on a cold and rainy day is that your butt cheeks get really COLD. You never think that little piece of fabric would make a difference till it's gone.
I just did an oopsy daisy. I was at the mall for a half hour and forgot to buy my dad a birthday card. Funnily enough, I kept ignoring that urge I had to go into a card store and browse. Didn't I say I'd follow my instincts more this year? Root beer floats are a guilty pleasure. And in return they make you freeze your half uncovered ass off when leaving the restaurant.
I need to do something to take my mind off something. The problem is that what I usually do at these times is go skate or work out. =( What I wouldn't give to be able to go skating right now.
So probably... food instead. And a trip to Barnes and Noble. Now if only there were a Ruby's right next to a Barnes and Noble I could escape my mind for a few hours. And if it weren't raining I'd be even happier because rain means snow in the mountains that I can't play with and rain means I'm going to get wet while limping to my car and to the store and to the restaurant. Thursday, January 01, 2004
Is it just me or is my knee getting worse? Maybe I'm just being paranoid... But it hardly hurt at all until yesterday. Then began the dull ache which slowly turned into a sharp pain whenever I walk on it... Eh. It must've been all the cleaning last night.
Yesterday, Tiffany and I spent 7 hours cleaning my room. Thanks Tiff!!!! And sadly, even with all that cleaning, there's still a few islands that need to be finished off. But still, I have a floor again! Woo!!! And tomorrow that floor will be covered in dirty laundry as I begin to do my last month's worth of it. (I still haven't unpacked from the cruise.) I've been stuck in this dream world for almost the last week and I really need to find my way out. Or else I'm going to find myself incredibly disappointed sometime soon.
I tried to have an uneventful new year. Instead I got suckered into making an appearance at the family party. It gave me a headache and made me smell like fried food and cigarette smoke. Ugh.
Yay. Happy New Year. I'm exhausted. Damn drugs.  |