I think I'm feeling lonely again. Last night when all the cousins were leaving, Veejay was all "don't be a stranger, okay?" Has it really been that long? I guess it has. I've seriously been all over the country and part of the world in the last couple months. And while I do miss hanging out with everyone, I also like being able to go to all these places.

Plus, I've never felt like I fit in very well with all my cousins. I have a lot of different interests... And I think my personality is very different too. Because I'm usually a really serious person and I only get silly on special occasions. My other cousins just aren't like that. If anything, they're the opposite.

Or maybe it's just cause I don't know how to relate well to other people. In which case, it's a wonder that I have any friends at all. Hahahaha... that just means that my plan works. I've figured that if I just smile at everyone and laugh with them, it covers up for the fact that I don't know how to talk to them. I think that's it. Because Rosie used to always say that I have such a "sunny" personality. And I would just smile at her and think to myself, "yeah right."

And after talking to Bubbles and Mike today, I've come to realize that I don't really want what I say I want. And apparently my subconscious is finally trying to tell me something. The other week I had this dream that literally had me wake up gasping, because I was so freaked out by it. In the dream, I was telling this guy I was dating that I wanted to go out with my friends instead of hang out with him. And instead of saying "okay honey, see you later" he pulls out these two knives and starts threatening me with them. And the part that made me even more sick was that I started backing up and when he put the tip of the knife at my throat I said, "okay, I'll stay here with you instead." I'd like to think that I'd NEVER say something like that. Especially because in the dream I knew that he'd never actually hurt me with them.

I'm so afraid of losing my independence that I don't want to date anyone. Because I know that once I start, I'm too chicken to say how I really feel. I'm also afraid of actually finding someone that I really like, because then I won't be able to do all the things that I've planned for myself. I mean, look at this friend of mine. He goes to Japan and ends up coming back early for a girl and then what. She breaks up with him. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to change my plans for someone who ends up becoming nothing. My parents always used to say "no boyfriends until after you graduate from college" because they were afraid that I'd meet some guy and get pregnant and/or married before graduation. If they only knew that I'm more afraid of that happening to me than they are! I'm terrified of it. I want to go to Japan. And I want to go to Europe. And I want to go to grad school. And I want to have a good job- all before I have to "settle down" in any way. And if I happen to meet that one special person before I get to do all this, I'm afraid I'll never get the chance to.

I've never been a good multi-tasker when it comes to life events. And having a serious relationship while doing all this would just be impossible for me. And having a non-serious relationship is something I can't do, because I'm afraid that it'll become more serious. I don't trust myself at all in that regard. Because even though I might not like the guy that much, I really am too much of a chickenshit to tell him. Especially because I somehow get lucky and find the nicest guys to go out with. I don't like hurting nice people's feelings. Maybe if I just started dating mean people I'd have a better time...

Eh. What I need is a beck-and-call guy. Just like Julia Roberts was in Pretty Woman for Richard Gere. I need one of those. Someone who, like Mike said, "will sit through sappy movies with me, bring me dinner when I'm coming home late from work, accompany me to all my artsy-fartsy events, and look good on my arm at parties all in exchange for three semi-decent *ucks." HA.
posted by Nikki at 11:15 PM

I was just listening, er, watching Regine Velasquez's Greatest Hits. I should've bought those cheap VCD's of her and Aga when I was in the Philippines, dangit. Tagalog movies are so cheesy, yet somehow intriguing. Hahaha...

This website needs a lot of work. Eh.

I'm getting a new computer! =) ...And Europe gets pushed even further away once again...

My room is an absolute mess. And in about 36 hours people are going to be pouring into my house for my grandpa's 40 day death anniversary. What a thing to be throwing a party for, huh? And the other day I saw my paper that I brought for him lying on our living room table! I told my mom before I left that I wanted it to stay there. It's the story of my grandpa and I wanted it left behind. Grrrr. It's not like I can't print out other copies of it. I don't even like it, because it was poorly written and I don't even agree with all my opinions in it anymore. I wrote that paper almost four years ago!

When and how did I ever get so Filipino? I must be the most American-born Filipino person I know...

Oooh... and tonight I could've said something really mean, but I restrained. I was watching Wheel of Fortune with my parents and one of the puzzles was "knick-knack paddywhack." My mom was like, "I've never heard of that before," so I told her it was a children's song "knick-knack paddwhack, give the dog a bone. This old man came rolling home..." And shew was all, "How do you know that? I never taught you that." I was SO tempted to say how many things she DIDN'T teach me as a kid that I still managed to learn... It's not like she was ever there to teach it to me anyway. Do I sound bitter?
posted by Nikki at 12:50 AM

Does anyone else think it's ironic when you receive spam that tells you how to stop receiving spam?

Is it even scarier to think that I just analyzed that last question and broke it down into its grammatical parts?
posted by Nikki at 7:27 AM

Yesterday, I carried $119,347 worth of cash and checks to the bank. It's a good thing I'm an honest person. That could have paid off my bills AND bought me a new car.
posted by Nikki at 9:49 AM

Is anyone else scared of what the outcome of this recall election might be? I just got my sample ballot today... we've got 135 fucking candidates!!! Among them include two students, one used car dealer, one marijuana legalization attorney, two porn stars, one porn maker, one middleweight sumo wrestler, and Michael Jackson. Can you imagine what would happen if one of these people won? What if so many people decide to be dumb and vote for Gary Coleman as a joke that he actually gets elected??? Good Lord! Here is exactly what my sample ballot says on page 2:

"If more voters mark "yes" than "no" on the first part of the recall question, the Governor will be removed from office. If more voters mark "no" than "yes", the Governor will remain in office.

If the Governor is recalled, the candidate who receives the most votes will be elected as the new Governor."

If we think we're in a puddle of shit right now just wait till after the election.

AND THEN... what's this whole crap about minority areas being disadvantaged because they still have punchcard ballots? Do they think we don't know how to punch a hole in a ballot? And why can't someone just come up with a Scantron that counts ballots instead of correcting papers?

This whole thing is just a mess.
posted by Nikki at 10:15 PM

I think everyone has to be at least a little bit psychic. You know how you get that feeling like you're being watched? Or how when you stare at a person, who isn't even looking at you, they just seem to know that you're looking and they look back? How else would they be able to do that if they weren't a little bit psychic? And how else would you be able to know that if you aren't a little bit psychic? It's just a theory...

You'll be surprised how many people are picking their nose while driving, if you just pay attention. Today I saw at least five people nose spelunking while driving to and from work.
posted by Nikki at 9:32 PM

Wow, it's scary how accurate these can be sometimes... (Yes, I'm at work right now. I'm taking a break, okay?)

EXPERIMENTER
(Dominant Introvert Abstract Thinker )

Nicole
Like just 4% of the population you are an EXPERIMENTER (DIAT). Although you're slightly shy (admit it!), you love control. When a problem comes in your way, you stomp on it swiftly and decisively. You are bothered easily by failure in others and failure in yourself. You don't like people that you don't think are intelligent. Rather than arguing with them, however, you would just as soon ignore them altogether.

In relationships, you have a strong heart. And because you're introverted, people take you as someone they can trust. But the fact is that in addition to solving problems, you like to create them. So there's a decent chance that you'll cheat on a loved one. If you do, you'll likely get away with it.

You're a good person at heart, but then again, who isn't?

Ugh, I just gorged myself on frozen yogurt. I feel sick.
posted by Nikki at 2:54 PM

Weee! I'm home! Can I just say that after spending half of the last couple months traveling it's nice to not have to worry about packing again for another two and a half months. I love traveling, but the constant going home and then leaving again gets tiring after a while.

Anyway, New York was fun. Boston was GREAT.

NAMIC had it's most successful Annual Conference ever. We reached our attendance goal and way overshot our fundraising goal. We also had some incredible speakers come in, including Dick Parsons, Chairman and CEO of AOL/Time Warner, Congressman Acevedo-Vila from Puerto Rico, Reverend Al Sharpton, presidential candidate, and the U.S. Secretary of Education, Rod Paige. It was incredible to see all these people, very influential high up people, all come together to support NAMIC's cause. We also released our new logo and rebranding effort, officially making us the National Association for Multi-Ethnicity in Communications. And our new tag line is this year's Conference title: Embrace Diversity. Embrace Success. It all sounds like an ad, huh? Well, that's because I'm so proud of the organization that I work for and I'm glad to be able to say that I am their employee. So there!

On a lighter side: don't ever stay at the Grand Hyatt New York. It sucks. It's supposed to be one of the best hotels in the city. NOT. My room was dusty and the wallpaper was coming off in the corner of the room. Plus, the shower had just about as much mildew in it as my shower at home- GROSS. Even the suite that Kathy was in was completely dusty, she said. It's incredible that they charged our conference attendees almost $300 per night- and that was a discounted rate! I do not recommend this hotel to anyone! The only good thing about it is it's location. It was directly above Grand Central Station, which is about a fifteen minute walk to Times Square. Not good if you're thinking of terrorists, but incredibly convenient at any other time.

So other than work, not sleep, and not eat, I did get to go see a couple Broadway shows and do a bit of shopping while I was in New York...

I went to see The Boy From Oz with Hugh Jackman(!) on it's opening preview night! Hugh Jackman was incredible. Awesome. Wonderful. He is amazingly talented and completely carried the show. Without him it wouldn't have been nearly worth the $106 ticket. Even when he made mistakes he kept his cool and went on, sometimes he even made fun of himself for doing it. Like when he was doing one dance number and he was supposed to throw his top hat off into the wings, stage left. Instead, it landed on the net covering the orchestra right at the corner of the stage. He noticed it was there at the beginning of the next scene and picked it up saying, "What is this doing here? What a shitty throw that was!" And then after everyone started laughing he was all, "Oops. It's after ten, I'm allowed to say shitty, aren't I?" LOL. Other than Hugh's stupendous performance, the show had great choreography, great direction, great use of the stage, and incredible talent. The only person I had doubts about was the lady who played Judy Garland. She really did not have the power in her voice that she needed to carry off that part. But whatever, it was a small part anyway. And the story was a bit weak as well, but Hugh's presence made up for that. When he goes, though, I don't know if it'll be worth seeing anymore. But I definitely recommend seeing it while he's still there! In fact, I'm making plans to go back in January to see it again! =)

The other show I watched was Gypsy solely because it starred Bernadette Peters- my most favorite Broadway actress! She did a great job as Rose. What I wasn't prepared for, though, was the story. Did you know that Gypsy is about the story of Gypsy Rose Lee, one of the most infamous Burlesque actresses in the world? I didn't. Geez. What a messed up story- and it was even more messed up because it was true! But I still had a great time watching Bernadette Peters and of course, because it was Broadway, all of the other people in the show had great voices too. And there was one guy... wow. What a dancer! If he's gay I'm going to be so sad. LOL.

And, oh, the shopping! After our Board of Directors meeting on Wednesday (which took place on the 52nd, out of 53 floors, of MTV Networks' building in Times Square) Marsha and I hit the streets. Let me just say that H&M is a very dangerous place. That, plus Colony music store, which is about two blocks from MTV, makes New York a bad place for me to be. I spent a LOT of money in those two places. Needless to say, I had to expand my suitcase on the trip home. Hehehe.

And then I got to Boston...

I LOVE BOSTON. I love their subway system, I love their downtown, I love Harvard Square, I love the history, and I want to live on Beacon Hill. I spent two days traipsing all over the city. I also took a Duck Tour- if you don't know what it is you don't know what you're missing! (www.bostonducktours.com) I stayed at the Westin at Copley Place. I also love this hotel! I had a junior suite at $10 over the price of a regular room. It was in the corner of the building on the 20th floor with windows facing east and south. On Saturday morning I had the most wonderful view of the sunrise- which also woke me up, but it was worth it.

Boston, DC, and Honolulu are the three places I would love to live in for a while. Nowhere else have I felt so connected to a city. Hmmm... and the three things that bind those cities together are the fact that they're the only cities I've been to where I totally relied on public transportation while I was there... Interesting...

Anyway, that was my week, in a nutshell... a huge shell... Hehehe. But I'm glad to be home for a while- even if home is here. As much as I'd still love to move out, I'd rather not pay rent for a place that I'm never in. Which just makes it all the more important to travel more now, while I can! =)
posted by Nikki at 10:34 PM

I didn't even realize what day it was today until I had to write the date down on a fax. I'm glad I didn't fly into New York today. That just would have been weird. Like intruding in a private party or something... But tomorrow I'm off... Yay, more traveling?
posted by Nikki at 9:48 PM

Woohoo! I get to wear warm clothes in Boston! Weee! I miss my winter-wear...

Thanks to Tam-tam I got to watch Pirates again! Weee! And thanks to my student for cancelling on me too! Heh.

Whoa. Is it just me or did this blogger thing get all weird... what are all these new buttons??

I'm wearing my new Grumpy pj's. =)

Oh yeah. And I just got home again. But I don't mind so much this time. Because I got to watch a movie and eat dinner out! It was like a date... but not a date... because I was with my cousin... who's a girl. Anyway. You know. Hahahaha... I'm giddy. Or exhuasted. Same difference...

I love Johnny Depp.

...And really bad eggs. Drink up, me hearties yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho...
posted by Nikki at 11:54 PM

Everything on the news is depressing. So is the fact that I got home at 10:30pm tonight. I'm fucking tired.

I have nothing else to say.
posted by Nikki at 11:28 PM

I have to add this because I just heard this on the news:
Father Vladmir was given $5,000 by two gay guys in Russia to marry them. Father Vladmir is now facing ex-communication. Does that sound stupid to anyone else? He decided to give two people who love each other the chance to have a good, happy life together and now he's going to receive the ultimate exile? How incredibly backward and archaic sounding is that?
posted by Nikki at 10:52 PM

I want to take classes again. I don't really care what class, so much as I really want to use my brain again. I'm so tempted to go back as an undergrad! LOL...

The day does not have enough hours in it. I need another five hours or so to get everything done that I need to get done.

I feel really bad. I've gone AWOL from Boys Hope Girls Hope. My typical weekday schedule for the last three weeks has been:

Get up and get ready for work: 7am - 8am (In reality, I need a half hour more than this.)
Drive to work: 8am - 8:30am
Work: 8:30am - 5:30pm (And we've been so busy lately that I have to skip lunch cause I can't stay for overtime.)
Drive to tutoring: 5:30pm - 7pm (Yes, it really takes that long!)
Tutor: 7pm - 8:30pm
Drive home: 8:30pm - 9pm
Dinner: 9pm - 9:30pm
Go online/pay bills/etc: 9:30pm - 10:30pm
Get ready for bed: 10:30pm - 11:15pm

Now, this is my ideal schedule. What usually happens is that I end up sleeping closer to midnight cause I'm watching TV and then I'm too tired to wake up by 7. So my entire day gets pushed back a half hour or so... Then every weekend for August and September was accounted for. And not only every weekend, but every hour of every weekend. Like I told Mike, I'll be free on October 10th. Till then, I'm screwed.

I'm fucking beyond tired.
posted by Nikki at 10:27 PM

Disneyland today. FUN. Thanks Bubbles!

Johnny Depp is incredibly appealing. Especially after you watch Pirates of the Carribean- which is now near the top of my list of all-time favorite movies. I put it right next to Moulin Rouge. =)

Just what is a scallywag anyway?
posted by Nikki at 12:25 AM

I've decided that I'm overly sensitive and that I compensate for it by being callous.

I have a headache. I've had a headache for three hours. My head hurts.

Okay, so really, what the hell is wrong with me?? I talked to two of my cousins tonight... both of whom just started dating again after breaking up with their significant others- and I mean like, significant, because they were both going out for four and five years with each of them. And okay, one said two days after she broke up with her bf she met someone and they went out. And the other said that she broke up with hers a year ago and she's been dating a whole lot recently. What the hell??? Why am I not in that category? I think something is seriously wrong with me. I'm going on two and a half years here... Argh.

This morning I was at FPAC- which was the most disorganized I've ever seen it. But anyway, FPAC is always a reunion because all these UCLA folks come out of hiding for it. I saw Jackie, Mark, Pia, Doug, Bernie, Emerson, Jonathan, Crystal, Peter, Bernard, Rex, Nikki, and some others whose names I couldn't even remember. Then there were the people I saw but didn't even talk to. First of all, sitting there watching INVID (who ROCKED this afternoon) with Jackie and Peter and Bernie and Doug and Pia reminded me of how much these dang choral people are like my family. Because for five years they were my family- and they know a whole lot more about me than my real family (and even my extended not real family) does. Second of all, I'd forgotten how much I LOVE watching Peter perform, because in Jackie's words, "Now, that's sex on a stage." Third, since when did Peter get TALLER than me? Why was it that, as he was literally pushing me out to the front of the stage for INVID's last song, I turned around and then had to do a double-take because I had to look up at him to talk to him??? Good Lord. What woman who knows this boy doesn't have a crush on him? Eh. And the worst/best part is that he doesn't even realize it. God, I love guys who can dance.
posted by Nikki at 12:31 AM

If I thought last year was an uneventful birthday I was so wrong... unless you count work. Because that's all I did all day... and all night. I finally got home at 9pm. There was absolutely no celebrating whatsoever. Not even lunch because we got too busy in the office to be able to go out. But I do have to say a big THANKS! to all the people who emailed and called today. So THANKS! to Ryan, Colleen, Marie, Tam-tam, Tiffany, Jennifer, Michelle, and Tracy.
posted by Nikki at 10:19 PM

I don't know why I thought things would be different. For once I was looking forward to my parents coming home. But of course, as soon as I see them standing by the curb at the airport, things were business as usual. I was even hoping to have dinner with them on the way home, but when they said "you haven't eaten yet?" with that tone of voice that said I was stupid I just figured, whatever. Then they said that my aunt was going to stop by the house on her way home, so I should just stop and pick up something to eat at home. My dad was all "there's a Taco Bell over there." He doesn't even know that I haven't eaten Taco Bell since before I graduated from college. Or that I try not to eat any fast food anymore.

It got me thinking, on the (quiet) ride home, that maybe there's a language barrier. But I know my mom can speak English just fine. And my dad knows it well enough to get his point across. It made me so sad thinking about how we can't even have a normal conversation. Everything we said in the car was no longer than a two sentence answer to a question. We couldn't even make it last for over two minutes. I was so depressed from thinking about it that I just decided to go straight home instead of stopping for food. I didn't want them to see that I had tears in my eyes. They probably would have thought it was because of Grandpa, anyway.
posted by Nikki at 10:48 PM

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I'm glad my parents are coming home tomorrow, because with everything that's happened lately I really don't wanna be alone right now.

And I feel really sick to my stomach.
posted by Nikki at 12:05 AM

I'm standing again because my room is a total mess.

Just got back from Vegas. I had fun. Happy 21st b-day Tam!!! We had a very nice hotel room that was cleaner than my house... that I wished we could keep. Tam tam learned how to play blackjack... and the lessons of winning and then losing her money. Tiffany, the dang 16 year old, didn't get carded once. And I spent a good part of the weekend trying not to get sick. I almost fainted while we were in Madame Tussaud's (where I got my picture taken with Buffy!) , and I had to hang on to a table until the dizzy spell went away. I don't know if it was because of the heat and dehydration or if it was something else. I've been feeling funny ever since I got back from the Philippines. Plus, for some reason, I was cold all weekend. And it was over 100 degrees in Vegas this weekend. The only time I wasn't cold was when we were outside, which I didn't think was as hot as everyone else thought it was.... eh.

So Saturday morning Philippine time, Friday evening our time, was grandpa's funeral. We were on our way to Vegas. I actually wanted to go to church yesterday, but I chickened out in asking my cousins to go. I'm sure they would have. Besides, I actually like the church in Vegas... they've got a great choir. And the priest there actually gives pertinent sermons. Maybe it's because he knows that most of the people who attend mass there are a bunch of sinning heathens looking for redemption in that hour they're there. But it's still one of the few churches I don't mind going to.

This next month is going to be hell. I'm not looking forward to it.
posted by Nikki at 11:23 PM