I've been avoiding this place because I've been dreading what I would be writing about...

It was the second time in six months that I was told over the phone that someone had died. Only this time it was kind of expected... dreaded, but expected. Just not so soon. I'm glad I made it a point to go and that we were able to go as soon as we did. I almost couldn't believe it though... I didn't want to believe it. Because just two hours earlier I had left and he seemed to be doing okay. But in retrospect, once he was put back on the ventilator, he had a hard time breathing. That's such an oxymoron, huh? And when I think about it, how he looked at me with that startled, scared look in his eyes every time he took a breath, it makes me want to think that I should've spoken up more about the ventilator not helping. Even though I know in my head that it had nothing to do with me. It's almost unbelievable to think that when I walked to the door of that hospital room just 20 minutes later, he was already paler than anyone I've ever seen before and so still that there was nothing else to believe except for the hard truth of what was right in front of me.

After that I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't even want anyone to touch me, for fear that my emotions would become uncontrollable. I just walked to the end of the hallway and stared out the window. I looked at the beautiful bluish-green water that was so clear you could see to the bottom from a half mile away, water that after five days on the island, staying just three blocks from the beach, I had yet to touch. And I thought about why I was feeling this way. Because off all the people there, I had the least right to feel as I did. I wasn't as close to him as I would have liked. I took him for granted for the first 22 years of my life. And once I did start to appreciate him I never made it a point to actually talk to him. My only communication would be a smile and a kiss, maybe a hello and a goodbye. I didn't even say goodbye that last night, I just told him that I had to go back to the hotel to pack, and that was it.

Standing there at that window, I decided my emotions were based on regret, more than anything. Regret that I never took the time to listen to what he had to say, to ask about the myriad of things I know he could have taught me, and to give him my gift that I had brought: a paper I had written in college about our family history, based on a phone interview with him that I had my mom conduct for me. I had brought the paper, and a get well soon card, as my pasalubong. I was going to give it to him when I first saw him, but it was in my suitcase in someone else's car. Then, once I finally got my suitcase back, I kept putting it off until I finally decided to leave it as a going away present. Little did I know how much of a going away present it would be.

That next morning, before leaving for the airport, I put the card (already written in two days earlier) and the paper (with the dedication already written in, as well) in a manila folder and placed it on top of his coffin, underneath a bouquet of flowers he had received the night before as a get-well-soon present. I didn't want anyone to notice it. I didn't want them to see how stupid I had been to wait. That I wanted to hope that he would hold on until after I had left. I guess I thought it would be easier if I wasn't there when it happened, like with my grandma. But I guess I'll also never know.

There are so many impressions and so many events about my five days in the Philippines that I want to share, but they're so contradictory that it wouldn't make any sense at all to do it at once. And there's so much I want to say that I'd be sitting here typing until the sun came up.

There is something I read, though, during my five days in that hospital room that hit me a little hard in a place I've been trying to ignore:
"...that's the problem with you... You let these special moments in your life pass you by. All of 'em, big ones and small ones, all the time. I don't know why you do that. Being excited for yourself and something you achieve doesn't make you arrogant, you know. Seriously. One day you'll be old and gray and you're gonna look back at all of this and realize that you downplayed your whole existence.*"
And it made me think of how I am, always acting like everything is passe, that nothing surprises me and that whatever I accomplish "isn't that big a deal." Even my college diploma is still stuffed inside it's box, in a plastic bag, on the floor, gathering dust in the corner of my room. It's a wonder that I even remember where it is. I spent five years of my life working to get that piece of paper. I went through emotional hell during those five years, and at times I worked myself to the point where I would be exhausted and incapable of driving myself home the next morning. And once it was all over, all I could say was, oh well. Even now, with my birthday approaching, I've already made plans to be working a twelve hour day that day- and every day that week. I'm always looking for some way to take the attention off of me, even though in the back of my mind I may want it. It's my way of trying to humble myself, because I know I am a spoiled bratty bitch when I don't hold back.

What it all boils down to is regret. I promised myself I would live my life so that I had nothing to regret, except for one thing I know I always will: my relationship with my parents. And I guess it hit too close to home, watching my grandfather die like he did. And thinking what if the same thing happens with my parents... I'd be ten times the emotional wreck then than I am now. But then realizing that there's a lot more that I regret about my actions than just this one thing... That I haven't been doing what I wanted to do with myself. I realized that I let myself down. And that's just one more thing for me to regret.

*Vivian Lives, Vivan Livingston
posted by Nikki at 12:24 AM

Leaving for my first trip back to the Philippines since I was 16... and I don't have a flight back! I'll be flying standby because I can only stay for a week... eek!
posted by Nikki at 6:14 PM

So now I'm adding the Philippines to my list of travel places. I leave Saturday night. In 48 hours. I just have to say that I love my boss and I'm so incredibly grateful about how supportive she is! She basically got 36 hours' notice that I'm going to be gone in another country for a week. I could never have done that at my old job.

I have too many clothes and too many shoes.
posted by Nikki at 9:51 PM

I've been neglecting this place lately. I've been too lazy to actually sign on when I get home... Anyway.

After working across the street from South Coast Plaza for almost a month now I've decided I'm spending way too much money on eating out. So I went grocery shopping this morning. And now the fridge in our shared kitchen looks like it's all mine. Ha.

Tam-Tam's 21st birthday is this Sunday. And for her birthday I'm taking her on a Vegas extravaganza over Labor Day weekend, which I realized last night is closer to my birthday than hers, but whatever! Hee! I can't wait. I've already booked the room (NICE room) and tickets to things and planned on certain things for us to do... It's gonna be fun fun fun!!!

I'm going to New York in September for work. And I have the choice to either stay for nine days or four. I don't know what to do!!! Ack. Because if I stay longer I can rent a car and drive (or take the train!) up to Maine after the conference is over. But then I won't be back in time for our fundraiser. That would be so wrong. And I'd be putting off my students for an extra week. That would be wrong too. Or I could just go to Boston for a couple days... I mean, come on. The last time I was there I had strep throat, so I don't really remember much of it except that in the hot and humid New England summer weather I felt like I was freezing.

BUT, I did want to mention this...
This is exactly how my life should be right now!!! My travel journal for this year:
April- Las Vegas/Florida
May- Las Vegas
June- Washington DC
July- Seattle
August- Las Vegas
September- New York (and Boston/Maine???)
December- cruise to the Bahamas!!!

I don't know how I'm going to get through October and November.... LOL. And you would think that I'm racking up the airline mileage... but I'm not! Hahaha...

Hmmm... so really, though. Where should I go in October and November? Somewhere close maybe... San Francisco and San Diego? =)

posted by Nikki at 9:29 AM

Elaine: Oh, come on Victor. It's not a death sentence.
Victor: No... It's life.
-Simone

Dude... this movie had some of the worst reviews when it came out. But I thought it was incredibly thought provoking. It makes you really question what is real and what's not and how we can create everything out of nothing... and even sometimes nothing out of everything. I liked it.
posted by Nikki at 11:44 PM

Okay. Now I know how Barbara felt when Peter set her up with Kevin... Now I actually have to look presentable on Monday. Ack!
posted by Nikki at 5:20 PM

Okay, our secretary downstairs just called up and said she wants to set me up with this guy that's on her floor and who works for Nokia... Yipes! Hahaha...
posted by Nikki at 5:00 PM

Ew. I stink. I need a shower.

My body hurts all over. Ow.

Too many dance classes for me.
posted by Nikki at 12:17 AM

Does anyone else think that this whole recall election has turned into one big joke? I mean, look at this:

"Others who have filed with the state in order to receive campaign documents include: former sitcom star Gary Coleman [WTF?] of "Diff'rent Strokes" fame; the melon-smashing comedian Gallagher; comedian D.L. Hughley; and Angelyne, a model who made herself famous in southern California by putting her picture on billboards." -CNN.com

And my favorite campaign slogan so far: Larry Flynt as the "smut-peddler who cares."

Geez...

Oh, and I'm sick of hearing this don't let another Democrat run so that all the Democrats who actually vote in California will vote for Davis (all 1,000 of them) crap. It's just more of that stupid partisan bullshit. Just vote for whoever the hell you want to vote for. Shoot. I'm a Democrat and I'm still inclined to vote for Arnold if he actually comes out with a real plan, other than to say "soon," to try to fix the budget. It's just too bad he can't be like Reagan and become President... but then again... From what I've learned about Reagan maybe that's a good thing!

God, I get so worked up when I talk about politics...
posted by Nikki at 9:56 PM

For the first time this week I'm bored at work. And my ankle hurts... from last night I think. But it was worth it!

Oops. She's off the phone... time to get back to work!
posted by Nikki at 2:52 PM

Two interesting things about Friendster:
1) You can read about how people outside of your circle see your friends.
2) You can read about how your friends (supposedly!) see you.

#2 can be a major ego booster... LOL
posted by Nikki at 11:58 PM

Okay, my counter has officially disappeared. And I am sad.

I was just reading through my recent posts. I think I must be brain-dead, because I haven't had one thought-provoking post since I started working again! Gross.

I want to be a writer when I grow up. Hehehe!
posted by Nikki at 11:02 PM

I'm deleting 98% of the e-mail I get in my junk-mail inbox. I should get a new address. Damnit. Stupid SPAMmers. I like my address. Go away- all of you!!!! Grrr!!!
posted by Nikki at 10:44 PM

I just did the Hip-hop class at 24 Hour Fitness.... It was FUN!!!! =) I've never had that much fun doing hip-hop before. Hee!

Billboard: El cerdo es bueno. Translation: Pork is good.
posted by Nikki at 8:59 PM

I'm excited! I'm home before sundown! And I don't know what to do with myself! Weee!!!
posted by Nikki at 7:36 PM

I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT. I FUCKING JUST LOST MY ENTIRE POST AGAIN. AGAIN. GODDAMNIT.

And now my hand hurts from slamming it on my desk.

I told you I need anger management courses.

Work today was crazy. CRAZY. At no point in the day was my desk not covered in papers, my phone not ringing, and the email not coming. Oh, and then my boss came back from New York. So she was handing me things to do, too. The good thing is that I spent a bulk of my day researching and was able to finally find a reason to deposit $13,000 worth of checks that had been lying around waiting for verification. I was on the phone a lot today. And I had to do it all before the East Coast business day was over. Erg...

I think I've come close to biting off more than I can chew. I can feel the liquid about to spill over... Ack! I've got one full time and one part time paid job- and then I have two part time volunteer jobs... And then there's that thing called friends and family. Erg. I don't have a free weekend until the last one in September. And if you ask me tomorrow, that'll probably be gone, too. Oh wait. I take that back. I don't have a free weekend for the next seven months. I've given those up to the aquarium. Hahahahahahahaha... I have no life. I think I'm going mad.

I told myself I wasn't allowed to sit down when I went online tonight, so I wouldn't stay as long. I think it's working. Because my hands hurt and my neck hurts and my eyes hurt. I'm going away now.
posted by Nikki at 10:09 PM

Ants. I hate ants. The ants are everywhere. I hate ants.

I picked up a street treat in Downtown Disney tonight. It's a rubber ball that lights up and makes noise when you bounce it. And it bounces really high!

I had a busy day today. I have a busy day tomorrow. I'm tired.

And I hate ants.
posted by Nikki at 12:23 AM

It's fun driving on the 5 freeway when the Disneyland fireworks go off. You have a better view from there than from inside the park. But it's very loud. And a lot of people start breaking. And then the accidents start. Hahaha...

I think I need to take anger management classes. I had a very strong urge to ram my car into buildings and other cars this morning on my way to work. I hate traffic. And I hate living with people.

Today I sent a renewal letter to every expired member in our database. Do I need to say how long it took?

Ever since I started this new job I've felt this weight slowly being lifted from my shoulders. I never realized how stressed I was at my last job. It's like, I never knew how much fun I could have while actually being at work. And it's not like it's even hard work, it's just a lot of work. But who cares about that? I thrive on a lot of work. It's what I've done every day for the past 10 years.

Ooh... I just turned my Jamie Oliver calendar to August... and it has a very yummy looking recipe on it (not to mention the pictures of Jamie!) Chicken Breast Baked in a Bag with French Beans, Fennel, Parmesan and Cream. Mmm... I think I just might have to make that!

My hair doesn't like chopsticks.
posted by Nikki at 11:15 PM