I've suddenly become interested in things I would never have thought possible before... Or maybe it's not really that sudden. I think I've just finally accepted that I am interested in them and that it's okay for me to be.

I've always tried to be sort of a rebel. I never listened to what my parents would tell me to do... (or should I say that I never listen to what my parents tell me to do... Ha...) And I think I've taken that with me as I've grown. When I think back, I realize that I always chose friends who were seperate from the norm. I never wanted to hang out with the "in" crowd, at least, not really. I admit there were times when I wished I did just so my life would be easier, but that's another story.

Anyway, I tend to surround myself with exceptional people. The kind of people who aren't afraid to be themselves, who not only show it, but shout it. It's a testament to the group of people I call my friends, how great they all are. But in subconsciously choosing them as my friends I think I was also looking for role models. This seems ironic because I'm so adamant about being your own person, but here I am searching for people who stick out so I can be like them. It's that constant struggle that's bothered me for the past eighteen years or so. I want to be my own person, but I don't know who that is. So I just pick the ones I see that I wish I could be like and then take it from there. I think this is how I've gained so many interests over the years. Everything from the kind of music I listen to, to the kind of art that I like, and even to the kind of food that I prefer to eat. So it's hard for me to decide upon a course of action because I'm never quite sure if I'm doing it for myself or so that I can emulate that person that I admire. But I have to wonder, is that wrong? There's really nothing wrong with having role models and aspiring to be like them. But I'm constantly afraid of crossing that border of doing something just so I can do what the other person is doing.

For example, my seemingly recent interest in our government and how it works has actually been there for a long time. The first two videos I ever bought were Dave and The American President. I remember one of my college roommates commenting on my video collection. She said her sister had visited and wondered whether I was a big political person. I thought it was funny because I was always so anti-political, but here two of my favorite movies were based on the presidency and gave an inside, though Hollywood tainted, depiction of how it worked. When I went to Washington DC for the first time in high school, I felt so inspired to be there. But I still squashed all curiousity I had about it when I got home. (I think this was more due to my bias that government and U.S. history classes in school were incredibly boring to me, so I figured they would be in real life as well. Although this also has some implications on our eduational system...)

Then, when I got to college, I was immersed in Asian American Studies. I was bombarded with the atrocities of White America and how our government would do everything it possibly could to keep people of color and women down. It was enough to make me not want to be American. From then on, I didn't want anything to do with our government. Especially after 9/11, I was even more reluctant to call myself American. I didn't want to associate myself with a group of people who would discriminate against a whole race just because a small group of fundamentalists took it upon themselves to hijack some airplanes.

It's taken a tragic event and a lot of thinking and even more letting go for me to take this step of indulging in my interest.

And now I can't seem to stop. I feel like I've turned into a sponge that's trying to soak up everything all at once, but unfortunately some knowledge keeps slipping out as I try to get a tighter grasp on things. I wonder why I never learned any of this stuff in elementary school or high school. Oh, I learned the basics: There are three branches of government and this is, kind of, what each one does... Why is it that my schools never took it upon themselves to teach us more about the details of the entity that governs our daily lives? The more I read the more I realize how much of an effect the government has on everyone. And not even here, but also in other countries around the world. It's just sad that it's taken me 23 years to finally gain an appreciation for the country I was born in. I know I've always been a slow developer, but this seems ridiculous. It gives you an idea of how many people in the U.S. take their lives for granted- and why our voting population is so low!

I don't know whether this interest will end up being a whim or something I decide to pursue into the future, but either way I figure I've already learned so much in the past week that I've already benefited greatly from it. So it really doesn't matter. And there's still that part of me that says that I already have one member of the family involved in government, so I don't want to do what they're doing. But it's not about that, really. Now if only I can get that idea through my thick skull I might have another revelation...
posted by Nikki at 11:23 PM

Oh wow... Blogger's changed since I last visited. Pretty blue colors... Heh.

Another example of the "everyone's doing it" syndrome from my mother: Last night, at a debut for a friend of the family, she was talking to one of my aunts about how it's okay that one of my cousins is doing a certain activity because "everyone does it." I think the thing that bugs me most about this is that I strongly believe that each person should take his or her actions into account and decide for themselves whether or not to act. Her dismissive statements about it being okay to go along with the pack bother me because she should be at the front of the fight for people like me (daughters, influential daughters!) to make our own decisions. Instead, she's practically advocating blind faith where none is earned. Grrr.

My room's a mess and I need to change to go to the airport. My favorite cousins are leaving me behind for a summer in the PI. Sigh... now I don't have anyone I can drag with me to archery lessons and to the beach and to play basketball and to family parties.
posted by Nikki at 6:31 PM

I'm tempted to go back to school just because.

An example of my mom and my relationship:
Tuesday evening, mom walks into my room
Mom: Here, take these.
Me: What are they?
Mom: Tickets to a fundraiser.
I read the tickets:
Swing Out with the Singles
Manila Swing, Salsa, and the best of the 80s!
A night of non-stop dancing and fellowship with the singles from the City on the Hill Covenant Community. Put on your dancing shoes, dress to impress and get ready to Swing Out with the Singles!
Saturday, July 12- Doors open at 7PM
Me: Mmm... I'm not really interested.
Mom: Don't you have any friends you can take with you?
Me: Not ones who would be interested in this.
Mom: Why don't you take a guy?
Me: None of my guy friends are single. [Sad, but pretty close to the truth]
Mom: Well, then, why don't you take Marie?
Me: She probably won't be interested. That's not really her thing.
Mom: Well, you should go. Everyone's going.
And from here on we argue about how I really don't think everyone's going.

BUT that's not the point- she's telling me I should go because everyone's going???? What the hell kind of advice is that? Especially to get from your mother? Should I jump off a bridge because everyone else is doing that too? GRRRRRR. Frustration abounds.
posted by Nikki at 9:59 AM

I'm home. And the only thing I can say is bleh. I was driving around today wishing I could just go someplace nearby where I'd be driving through trees that haven't been planted. The sad part is that for me to do that, I'd have to drive about an hour and a half to find any.

I think I really need to move out of this house. I also need to find me a job- one that I actually like.

Good book alert: I Don't Know What I Want, But I Know It's Not This: A Step-By-Step Guide to Finding Gratifying Work by Julie Jansen. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm thinking it's going to rank up there.

So, my last few days in DC...?
Explored on foot for a day... it was very adventurous. Especially that part where I took the Metro back to Saul's place at 9pm from Union Station to Adams Morgan... and that last block I walked before I got there. *shiver*
Toured the Library of Congress- I LOVE that building!
Took in an IMAX double feature... running from the Air and Space Museum to the Natural History Museum in the ten minute break between the two
Took a walk past the IRS building (yech!), Ronald Regan International Center, National Aquarium, and some BBQ competition that was going on in the middle of Pennsylvania Ave
Souvenir shopped at Union Station
Had lunch in Georgtown and dinner in Old Town Alexandria
Watched Shear Madness at the Kennedy Center- it's a great play! So funny!
Read my new Harry Potter book (thanks Saul!!!)
Walked around Mt. Vernon and watched Hollywood Homicide from a theater somewhere in Virginia... Hahaha...

So what's left for the next time I go back?
White House
Bureau of Engraving and Printing
FBI building
Natural History Museum
American History Museum
Folger Shakespeare Library

And now that I'm back in (sigh) LA...
Gotta find a job
Gotta clean my room
Gotta have my car fixed
Gotta take care of loose ends at the office
Gotta send out thank you cards
Gotta decide what the fuck to do with my life. Yay.

Okay, so time for reflections...
A week of DC living with those dang politically involved people has gotten me a lot more interested in our government and how it works. I guess you could say it's a good thing. I've never wanted to deal with it before, because I hate all the red tape bureaucracy that comes with living in a Democratic society (HA! I wish! Stupid Bush.) After having witnessed the politics of USAC on the UCLA campus for five years, I'm afraid to get involved in a much bigger political arena. I hate all that stupid partisan shit. Fuck parties. Just fight for what you think is right- and those who support what you do. ***Off topic remarks approaching...*** This is where I really admired Cindy Rabuy. She didn't take shit from either Samahang (oh, I'm sorry- Praxis or whatever they called themselves that year) or the Greek associations. She fought for the cause, not the party. (One good thing that's come from her death is that she's become a symbol to me of that ideal. The part that sucks is when enough time passes and her memory only remains as a symbol and not as a person.)

The more I think about it, the more I really want to work for a non-profit. It's just my greed and materiality that's keeping from actually doing it. Once I can get over that I think I could actually find an incredibly gratifying job.
posted by Nikki at 9:40 PM

And the rain goes on.

Had lunch in Annapolis, Maryland today. It was yummy. They have a very pretty Main St.
Got a nice driving tour through Rock Creek Park. It's the largest urban park in the world. It's also where Chandra Levy's body was found.
Then we got lost and ended up driving randomly through streets until we found the area where the sniper was taking potshots all last year. Fun fun fun! Although, to be fair, it is a very nice (posh) area.

Could it be Harry Potter night??? Tune in tomorrow to find out!
posted by Nikki at 4:36 PM

ARGH. Damn stupid computers with their firewalls and shit. And stupid DC security making these firewalls all high security level. ARGH. I just spent the last half hour typing up this nice long post about how I'm in Washington DC right now and stuff and when I click "post" it, of course, gets lost in the firewall non-acceptance policies. GRRRR. Here goes my attempt at reconstruction:

Yes, I'm in Washington DC right now. So far I've-
Become a spy at the International Spy Museum
Watched the Reduced Shakespeare Company's All the Great Books (abridged) at the Kennedy Center
Visited the National Gallery of Art
Walked ALL OVER the Mall
Walked to the bottom of the Washington Memorial
Watched President Bush's helicopter land on the front lawn of the White House
Walked by the Department of the Interior as their fire alarms were going off
Discovered the American Red Cross headquarters
Found that the Reflecting Pool doesn't really reflect (unless it's night, supposedly)
Walked to the Lincoln Memorial
Glanced at the Einstein Memorial
Walked around the Jefferson Memorial
Walked through the FDR Memorial- by far my most favorite one!

Wow, that's a lot of memorials... I've also seemed to bring the crappy weather with me again. It's been raining and humid for the past three days. Yes, raining. Again. And there were even flash flood warnings tonight. Great.

I've also realized something since coming here: I'm such a California girl, it's disgusting. Not only is it apparent in the way I dress, but it's really apparent in my personality. I know I've got a "bubbly" personality (when I'm in a good mood) but the contrast is very striking when I'm walking through the nation's capital- or even sitting in Saul's apartment talking to him and his roommate Dale (who is a very cool guy, btw). It's making me think even more that I should be in the entertainment industry. I swear it's the only place that I'd fit in properly. Geez... And to think, I consider myself one of the more serious ones when I'm among my friends.

Here's the other thing: I know I act all "Valley girl-ish" on purpose sometimes (so that people will underestimate me and I can get to know them better without making them suspect just how twisted my mind can be) but it gets annoying when people just dismiss you outright as some dumb girl from California. Not that I've really gotten that much here, but I can sort of sense it from some people. I do have that sixth sense though, you know. ;-) I know I can be pretty random at times and I'm always laughing my stupid laugh and I don't usually come up with the witty remarks off the cuff, but I am a decently smart girl. I am pretty sure of that, at least. Didn't I just say that? Maybe I'm not as smart as all these people I'm surrounded by right now (other than the tourists) but I wouldn't consider myself too shabby in the brain department. Eh, anyway. I'm getting all defensive. I think my thing is that I'm unemployed at the moment and I'm trying to make the best of my (precious) time away from home. So if I come off as if I had dyed my blonde hair brown then so be it. I stick my tongue out at you. Ha!

Yes, I'm so mature.
posted by Nikki at 9:55 PM

I have too much junk email. I want to block everyone from emailing me on that address.

So I actually did it. My last day as a Junior Partner/financial consultant was today. I do realize what I have given up. I have no doubt that, had I stayed, I could've been incredibly successful and made a shitload of money at the same time. And yes, I do ask myself why I wanted to leave, knowing that especially. For the last week I've found myself remembering and enjoying the good things about my job... hanging out with my co-workers in the office and helping the trainees study to pass their licensing exams and answering questions for associates who haven't been around as long. I was reminded of the joy of being able to help all my clients work towards their goals and dreams... especially with the first bull market in the last three years just beginning. I was also reminded that mine was a career on the rise, not on the fall as most people's are when they leave the industry, when more than a few clients' portfolios needed attention during the past week. And I even had to pass on new clients that I had yet to be able to even start a portfolio for. Yet even with all this, I left.

A big part of me is screaming "What were you thinking???!" while another part is happy and excited for me. Then there's the part that's spilling tears right now as I type. Damnit. Stop crying, you fool.

And so I find myself back at the same place I was exactly this time last year- not knowing where I'll be a month from now. Thankfully, I've learned a few things since then, though. Mostly about myself, partially about life and the working world- but I do have lots left to learn. Interestingly enough, one thing I've learned is that I'm not so concerned about making money. With this job, I was more concerned about doing the right thing for my client (and I'm being totally serious here). As long as I knew I was getting paid something, I really didn't care how much. The getting paid part was just a bonus after seeing that I'd done something good for another person. The part that ate at me was that I would have to convince people to accept my help. I think that was one of the biggest reasons why I decided to leave the industry. I love helping people, but if they don't want it, then I'm not going to force it on them- whether it's for their own good or not. I just got sick of trying to help people who would flat out refuse to talk to me. Then, of course, there was the hours combined with the commute ( which is also combined with the not getting paid at all for half of my day). I was 99% sure that I'd end up killing either myself or another person in a car accident if I'd kept working those hours and driving as much as I did. I was so afraid of it happening, yet I still couldn't stop myself from falling asleep behind the wheel- even when making phone call after phone call just to stay awake.

In answer to the most popular question I've gotten in the last week, "What are you gonna do now?" I'm going to say that I have no fucking clue. I know I need to get a job, because I do need to make some money. I'd like to make enough so that I can move to Europe in January of 2005. If I don't reach it by then, my absolute last deadline is January of 2006. It's a whole lot of money. It's a whole lot of money to be saving for something that will give me very few tangible results. I plan on using that money to finance a six month "vacation" also known as backpacking through Europe. And if I like it there, then there I plan on staying. And if I don't like it there, then I'll come back- to not having a job, a place to stay, or any money saved up to find myself my own place. It'll be pretty much like I'll be right back where I am right now, plus a few years and a few more experiences. It's kind of sad to think that I could end up being 27 and not have made any progress in my "career" by that time- especially when if I'd stayed where I was I could've been running my own office or two by that time.

Anyway, I do have some regret about leaving my job. But I won't let myself dwell on it, because the past is the past. It's the only way I don't feel incredibly guilty over some of the stupid things I've done in my past. I just have to move on and deal with it. So I guess the easiest thing for me to deal with at the moment is getting to bed. Good night.
posted by Nikki at 11:33 PM

Here's the scary thing: I bought Hillary Clinton's new autobiography. And even more scary: I actually like it. And other than Danny Bonaduce's book, I hate biographies. They remind me too much of required school reading.

After looking at a map of Washington DC tonight I realized that if I'd accepted my scholarship at George Washington University (which gave me a pretty decent scholarship) I could've gone to school right next door to the White House. I wonder how my life would've been different if I had? On the other hand, reading Hillary's book is making me wish I had gone to Wellesley instead. And you'd think after going to an all girl's private high school I would never consider going to an all-girls college...

I have lots of stuff to do before I leave and for some reason I can't seem to keep my head straight to remember it all. I feel like I did after finals would be over... it's like my brain has turned to mush and is no longer useful for anything other than the basic, necessary functions.

Oh crap. How'd it get to be so late already? Argh.
posted by Nikki at 11:15 PM

So I guess it's time to admit that I'm seeking new employment. Officially, I guess I could've said something last week... but I didn't want the news to get out so fast. So if you're someone who's reading this that actually cares about this new development in my life, I'm sure you won't waste any time in calling/emailing/bugging me about it- especially if you've got some sort of monetary interest in it. The thing is, I'm sad I'm leaving, but I'm glad at the same time. I'll miss my co-workers and the atmosphere of the office and the feeling of actually being somebody. Not to mention the knowledge that I had a secure job with a promising future and an even more promising earnings range. But I won't miss the hours or the commute or that tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach that said that I wasn't doing the right thing for me. So I guess, in that case, it's a good thing that I'm leaving. Friday will be my last day (said with both a sigh of relief and regret.) I'll always be grateful for what I've learned in the last year, though. I know how to take care of my money now, for one thing, and I also know that I'm worth something to anybody that I end up working for. It's done wonders to my confidence in the employment arena, as you can probably tell. So anyway, I just had to put that out there. The official notices are going out as soon as I get them back from compliance. Now I've got to start working towards my new goal, which has a lot to do with why I need to pull in a net income of $60-70,000 in the next 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 years. Ouch. As for the how... I was hoping you could tell me that.

Regarding other things in my life...

Yes, I'm taking a vacation and going to visit Saul in DC in TEN DAYS. I'm SOOO excited!

My nails are too long again. I can't type.

My accomplishment this past weekend was learning how to play roulette, leaving the table with two and a half times the amount of money I showed up with my first time out, and finding a 25 cent roulette table on the strip- in that order. It was fun! My next game to learn is going to be craps. =)

Sometimes I wish I could be anorexic. But that could never happen because I like food too much. Then I wish I was bulemic. But that could never happen either, because I think it's extremely disgusting to throw up- which is why I never do it, even when I'm sick. Life can really suck, sometimes, you know?

I'm still stuck on that whole irony of a person who seeks help, only to end up reaping the consequences for the rest of their life. For example, I've seen clients in the office who, sometime in the past, sought psychiatric help for whatever reason. They've been doing alright for the past however long and now they want insurance (either health or life). Well, the insurance company tells them that because they've sought help in the past, and it's on their official medical records (for life), they will have to pay more to be able to get the help they may need from the insurance company. What kind of bullshit is that? Shouldn't they be rewarded for owning up to their problems and seeking help for them? Instead they're slapped with this huge bill and that feeling of carrying the scarlett letter on their forehead for the rest of their life. It's enough to make a person decide not to get the help they need just so they won't have to deal with those things. Although, the consequences they may have due to not getting they help they need could turn out to be much worse than just paying more money and a having a bad reputation.

Run away... run away... run away....

How does one become a magazine or book editor?

I have a new found respect for garment workers.

The season finale of Queer As Folk is next Sunday!!! How could this season have gone by so fast already? And why the hell does it look like they killed off one of the new "main" characters in the preview? I guess I won't have any TV to watch over the summer, since all the shows I watch that are still being made are on hiatus. Stupid people. Stop vacationing and get back to work already! Heh. Look who's talking...

How can a person have so many conflicting emotions at the same time?
posted by Nikki at 11:37 PM

Wow, things progress so quickly in life.

I'm going to DC!!! =) I can't wait!

I sewed my first skirt ever. It actually came out pretty decent. I wanted to be able to wear it for regular wear, but I think it's too big. =( So I guess I'll just have to sew another one. Hee! I actually like sewing!

I'm sad and relieved at the same time. It has been a great learning experience, though.

I'm supposed to go to Vegas this weekend for a wedding. But someone's been calling all night for my mom, saying that it's really important that she talk to her. I think the wedding's off...
posted by Nikki at 10:07 PM

ARGH!!! ASOG"NAOIWRHAORINFDW AITWGNA!!!!!!!!!! I quit.

I haven't had a full night's sleep in five days. I keep waking up in the middle of the night because of these nightmares... Last night I was dreaming that I was in a place that was haunted and nowhere I went was safe from the ghosts. It was so bad... I swear I've never felt that scared IN MY LIFE. Then I was finally able to wake myself up to stop the dream and when I went back to sleep I started dreaming that I started smoking- AND I LIKED IT. I was dreaming that I was smoking in my bed... and that I was able to go through a pack in like an hour. I'm so frustrated that I'm almost tempted to start smoking in real life. That's how pissed off I am.

ARGH. I want to put a hole in my wall.
posted by Nikki at 9:13 PM

I think I've finally found my niche sport! Archery! =)

It's so much fun to be behind a lethal weapon.
posted by Nikki at 8:34 PM