My last post before the New Year...

Once again I'm not quite in the holiday spirit. I don't know what it is about this year. I feel like I haven't really been participating in my life. It's like I'm watching someone else do what I do.

I tried cleaning up a bit today and while I managed to put everything away I didn't get the time to actually clean. So to me it's like an omen that there's going to be a nice clean facade over a dirty mess for the next year. Hmmm... how symbolic... and foreshadow-ish.

The happy tidings, though, were when I did the math last night and realized how much I could make at my job. It's a nice thought. Theoretically, I could make almost $80,000 next year- if I can consistently do what I did these past two weeks for the next year. We'll see how close I get to that goal. As for what I'd do if I did make that much...
1) pay off my credit cards
2) buy a new desktop computer, with a flat screen monitor, laser printer, scanner/fax/copy machine, and the best system I can buy at the time
3) pay off my student loans
4) buy a new car
5) move out

And I was supposed to come up with business goals, which I tried to post last night, but stupid fucking blogger lost yet another one of my important posts. So here they are once again:
1) set 12 per week
2) make at least $2,500 per month
3) qualify for at least one conference
4) get promoted to junior partner by March
5) have five reps working for me by October
6) take the series 7 by August
7) take the series 24 by December
8) start studying for my CFP by December

And with that I'm off... Happy New Year to the rest of you! May your year be better than mine!
posted by Nikki at 9:31 PM

I just saw this performance on David Letterman of The Pussy Cat Dolls... and all I can say is WHOA. I mean, yeah, I'd love to look that great in those outfits or sing as well as that lead singer, but good Lord! Are they allowed to show that on TV???
posted by Nikki at 12:34 AM

Oompa loompa's are funny!

The Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory dvd has sing-a-long Wonka songs!
posted by Nikki at 5:16 PM

Okay, so I kind of fixed it to get Aragorn. What can I say? I like Aragorn.


What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by Nikki at 12:02 PM

Oh God... This is all Bubbles' fault. So blame her.

READ IT THEN STEAL IT

WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Monday/Friday: By 6:30am or else I'm late for work.
Any other day of the week: Two hours before I see my first client. Or whenever my annoying mother comes into my room to bug me about something stupid.

IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Hmmm... this is a hard one. I might have to say Robert Kiyosaki (author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad), but then he's not THAT famous. So I guess maybe Nicole Kidman? No, wait! I take that back! LANCE BASS ALL THE WAY! Hahaha!

GOLD OR SILVER?
Gold. Silver takes me back to less than favorable days.

WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Star Trek: Nemesis. Yes, I am a nerd.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Hmmm... Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Heh.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
If I have anything at all, it's usually doughnuts or bagels or something that a wholesaler brings for us to our bi-weekly meetings. Otherwise, a sip of water.

WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?
Spiders.

CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
Nope, never could. I'm not that talented.

WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Anne. I don't like it. It's boring.

BEACH, CITY, or COUNTRY?
Can I have all three? I was never one to settle for the choices given to me.

SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. Winter. Winter. Snow. Snow. Snow. Snowboarding. Snowboarding. Snowboarding.

FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Breyer's All Natural Vanilla, cause it's really vanilla bean ice cream. Yum! Or else Coldstone's mixes... Or Ben & Jerry's version of mint & chip.

BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
Depends on how healthy I'm feeling. But yes, I like taste to my popcorn.

FAVORITE COLOR?
Blues

FAVORITE CAR?
Right now that would be the new James Bond Astin Martin. One that I might one day actually be able to afford... I'm still stuck on Beamers, but I'm trying to get away from that. It's not original anymore. It's boring.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SANDWICH?
I've been craving a good grilled cheese sandwich for a week now! If I had the money I'd drive to Denny's to buy one right now. Other than that... I don't really have one.

TRUE LOVE?
It can happen. Not to me, but to others yes.

WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
Stupidness. Ignorance. Lack of common sense.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE FLOWERS?
Peach roses. Real peach, not pink and not orange and not some combination of the two. Peach.

IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?
I have to tell them? Hehehe... No, actually. That depends on who it is. I'd tell my parents first, probably, because I'd be handing them a nice big, fat check to pay them off so I can finally move on and live on my own. Then my close friends and family. And probably the people at work, to explain why I've suddenly gotten so lazy. And that's about it. I'd say it'd only take me a few days to do all this, but I'd wait until I knew for sure I was getting the money before I did.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
Kind of a dark pink/rose color. With those God awful rainbows on the wallpaper. I really have to do something bout that.

HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
Right now: 1. There should be 2, but my cousin borrowed one and I still haven't gotten it back.

WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
I'm starting to think south Orange County- like Corona Del Mar or Laguna. God help me.

CAN YOU JUGGLE? IF YES HOW MANY?
I used to be able to do two. Now I don't think I can do any.

FAVORITE DAY(s) OF THE WEEK?
Any one where I don't have to see a client.

RED OR WHITE WINE?
White.

WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
I think we went out for dinner. You can check my archives to find out. Must not have been that spectacular if I can't even remember. It was four months ago.

DONOR CARD?
Yes, it's placed right behind my license. With the sticker still on it.

FAVORITE ACTORS AND ACTRESSES?
Oh, here we go... Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, and judging by my movie collection, Drew Barrymore. Ewan McGregor, Ryan Philippe, Viggo Mortensen, and maybe Brad Pitt. Then just for looks and, yes, a bit of talent too, Matt Damon, Gale Harold, Randy Harrison, Christian Bale, Brendan Fraser, and Johnny Depp.

DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?
Not usually. Unless I see a re-run of Anamaniacs on.

3 WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU:
Bitchy. Reserved. Playful.

FAVOURITE BOY'S NAME:
Hmmm... I can't really think of any right now. I know I used to have some. The only one I can think of is Jared. And maybe Christian.

FAVOURITE GIRL'S NAME:
Rose, Jade, Yuki, Leilani. And for normal names... maybe Stacey and Tiffany.

DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?
Nah, that'd get boring.

WHAT ARE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW?
Feeling like there's a point in doing what I do. And holding on to the hope that I can move out SOON. VERY SOON.

IF ASKED YOU TO HUM A SONG RIGHT NOW, WHAT SONG IMMEDIATELY POPS INTO YOUR HEAD?
Under Your Spell from the Buffy, Once More With Feeling soundtrack.

DO YOU KEEP A JOURNAL? IF SO, FOR HOW LONG?
Yes. My current one I think I've had for a year and a half now. But I've been keeping one on and off since I was like nine.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT SOMEONE WILL READ WHAT YOU WROTE IN IT?
Yes. But that idea's kind of moot since it's online. Although I do have a private one I'd never want anyone to see. Except maybe after I've died.

WHAT SONG COULD YOU NEVER GET SICK OF?
Save the Last Dance for Me by Ben E. King and the Drifters. Under the Boardwalk. The Christmas Song. Almost anything by Chopin. The Nutcracker Suite.

IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE FOR A DAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
See how the really poor and the really rich live. Walk into "secure" places just for the hell of it.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ALIENS?
Yes. Didn't I tell you I was abducted once? ;-)

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL SOME DAY?
Tibet. Britain. I want to see some pretty chataeu's in Europe. Hell, I want to own one... or two... Switzerland. I want a Swiss bank account. Mindanao, once all the fighting is done. Whistler. New Zealand. Australia.

COULD YOU GET SICK OF CHOCOLATE?
Never! Well, okay, maybe... but not if there was a variety of it. "Chocolate" is just so all-encompassing. I mean, you've got hot chocolate, truffles, chocolate bars, chocolate ice cream... And then there's all the different brands, like Godiva, Lindt, Hershey, Nestle, etc...

ON HALLOWE'EN, WHAT DO YOU DRESS UP AS USUALLY?
I used to pick a Disney movie character every year. Now I just do whatever I can put together with what's in my closet. But I really want to be The Green Fairy one of these years.

DO YOU LAUGH OR GIGGLE?
Hmmm... both. But never at the same time. Is that possible?

ARE YOU TALL OR SHORT?
Tall. Too too tall. I will gladly give up two inches to anyone who asks.

WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BE TALLER?
Only if everything in the world grew taller in proportion to myself.

ARE YOU SCARED OF THE CAMERA?
Not scared, but I don't love it.

DO YOU MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE?
I try not to. Really, I do.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD?
I don't know why french fries just popped into my head right now, because it's not. I'd have to say... I dunno. There's too many. I just like good food. Good food that's prepared well. Yum.

DO YOU FALL ASLEEP WATCHING T.V.?
I did last night. But I don't usually.

DO YOU TALK ON THE PHONE A LOT?
Not anymore. There's not very many people for me to talk to. I do most of my talking while stuck in traffic these days.

DO YOU CHAT A LOT ONLINE?
Nope. Except for the occasional all-nighter.

IF YOU COULD OFFER THE WORLD SOME ADVICE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Religion is all a state of mind. Those of us who believe in "God" all believe in the same God. So please stop killing and maiming each other over it.
Never lick an outdoor metal pole the morning after a snowstorm.
Use your damn turn signal! God helped us create them for a reason!

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Not the dark. I'm afraid of what could be in the dark with me.

DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?
Not if I can help it. It's a long, complicated story...

IF SOMEONE PAID YOU $1000 TO EAT LIVE WORMS, WOULD YOU?
No.

DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?
I used to. Until I realized that by wearing it over and over for like a year my nails had turned yellow. So I stopped. But I think I will start again as soon as I get the time to actually put it on.

WHAT SUBJECT IS CHALLENGING FOR YOU?
Communication.

WOULD YOU PREFER WORKING WITH CHILDREN OR WORKING AT A COMPUTER TERMINAL?
Both. Depends on how sociable I'm feeling.

WHAT SONG DO YOU THINK IS ETERNAL?
Hahaha... Yes. Bubbles is right. It's Happy Birthday.

WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF THE WORD "OLD"?
Santa Claus. The One. Creaking.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE TELETUBBIES?
Do I have to? The whole big stink bout the purple one was funny.

WHAT SHOWS DID YOU WATCH WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
All of them. Cosby Show, Small Wonder, Gilligan's Island, Brady Bunch, Addams Family, Perfect Strangers, the one with Evie that I can't remember the name to right now, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, Three's Company, Gem, Rainbow Brite, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Voltron, Family Matters... need I go on? I was a sad, sad child.

DO YOU LIKE FIGS?
Never tried one, although Jackie once tried to make me. Fig Newton's are okay, though.

DO YOU FILTER YOUR WATER?
No, it's called Sparklett's. They do it for us.

WHAT MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND?
Gravity and physics. And the sun and the moon.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
The other day...

CARE TO ELABORATE?
I would, except someone might read this.

IF YOU COULD MEET ANYONE IN THE WORLD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
I had a dream last night that Michael Jackson wanted to be one of my clients... Weird. Hmm... other than Lance Bass, no one really. Oh, maybe Britney Spears to see how airheaded she really is/isn't.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBSESSEIONS?
Yeah. Spell things correctly.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
Spiders. Earthquakes. Being alone.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN?
I'd have to say yes. Can't you tell by how fucked up I am now?

OVER THE YEARS, HOW DO YOU THINK YOU CHANGED?
Sadly, I've gotten older. Haha! I've also grown bigger... damnit.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
Hehehe... Bubbles' quote is funny, so I must leave it in. "Love at first sight is cured by a second glance. but maybe. lust at first sight is very common"
I'd say yes, I believe it can happen. Just not to me.

WHAT DO YOU FIND FRUSTRATING?
Stupid people who have no common sense. People who refuse to compromise.

ANY CLAIMS TO FAME?
Ones that I'm proud of? No.

WHAT'S YOUR ETHNIC BACKGROUND?
Filipino/Chinese/Spanish- in decreasing order.

WHAT COULDN'T YOU LIVE WITHOUT?
My car, my computer with DSL, my books, oh... and I guess people.
posted by Nikki at 11:46 AM

I just deleted emails from my mailbox that go back to 1999. Wow... All in all I deleted four-hundred-twenty-eight emails. Hahahaha!

Star Trek: Nemesis was MUCH better than I expected. It was funny even. At least, I was cracking up for a lot of the movie. And it was suspenful too, if you can take the random "oh shit!" escaping from my lips as exclamations of surprise. It made me realize how much I actually miss immersing myself in the Star Trek universe. I haven't really been into it since all these new Star Wars books came out.

Now I wanna go watch Drumline and Treasure Planet and Chicago and I'm done. Until the next new movie comes out... Yes, I've spent too much money on movies lately.
posted by Nikki at 10:26 AM

Today I found out that one of my co-workers recently cancelled their engagement. That really sucks. What is it about the holidays?

I don't know what's wrong with me... I swear, even though I can't afford it, I can't work up the motivation to go out- even though I really want to. Like tonight, I wanted to go to the Ozma concert with Bubbles and Garrett, cause I haven't seen either of them in sooo long. But then I also had to push myself to finally say I'll go. And then I spent too much money on dinner, apologizing for being a bitch, that I couldn't afford it anymore. But I also couldn't work up the motivation to go either. Even when I knew that I could ask someone to spot me till I went to the bank tomorrow. (Sorry Bubbles!)

It's like this endless cycle... I want to go out, but then I can't get myself to actually go out. And then I feel bad for not going, so then I don't go even more. Even though I really want to go, but then I don't... blah blah blah...

God... I'm just gonna crawl into bed and sleep early now. Plus, my back just started cramping again and it hurts like hell. And I know this only happens when I'm stressed out over something.
posted by Nikki at 9:19 PM

Okay, so south Orange County is extremely pretty. Like going up to Malibu, but a bit better I think. But I still wouldn't want to live there until I retire, or at least not until I have a family with kids. But then... do I really want to raise my kids in a place like that? It's so freaking sheltered!

After spending about a half hour sitting in the dark, out in the freezing cold, I think I may have found one of the main roots of my problems. I've completely closed myself off to other people. Emotionally, I mean. I still go out and talk to some of my friends and stuff, but I haven't really talked to anyone about how I've actually been doing and feeling in a very long time. When people ask I always just gloss over it and steer the conversation to them instead. I think at first I did it because I felt like I'd been talking about myself too much and I was trying to stop. But eventually it just turned into not communicating anything to anyone.

So once I figured that out, my next problem was trying to figure out a way to fix it. Which was when I realized I don't have the motivation to do it alone. What I need to do is open myself up to people again, which is not something I'm looking forward to. So for me to do it, I seriously need help... and motivation and some pushing now and then. Which are things that I have no clue where to get them from. I'd have to tell this person a whole lot that I'm not really comfortable letting out and I can't even name one person I'd feel comfortable telling half of it to. I'd tell it to a stranger, but I can't afford that right now. So I'm kinda stuck here...

Anyway, that's one of the reasons. The other one I think is that my self esteem seems to have hit a low recently too. Which I can attribute to a few things that I'm not going to name. So there's part of it figured out. And it only took thirty minutes of sitting alone, in the dark, on a bench overlooking a semi-private beach late at night for me to figure it out. Along with the past few days' broodiness and bitchiness to the poor, underserving people who happened to be around me at the time. Yah, I'd say I really need help...
posted by Nikki at 11:42 PM

Okay, you know what? I'm sick and tired of talking to my mother. Because I swear to God she never hears anything I say. And I know it's just her because last night at the kitchen table I said something to her and she was the only person at the table to NOT hear it. How do I know this? Because two other people at the table replied to my comment, which wasn't even directed to them, and she didn't say anything. Then I asked her, "Mom, did you just hear what I said?" and she said no. And then when she asks me a question and I answer her, like just now on the phone when she was asking for someone's phone number, she starts talking to me OVER THE FUCKING ANSWER. What the hell is that? I know it's not a hearing problem because she can hear everyone else just fine. I'm fucking sick and tired of her shit. I'm sick of trying to communicate, even as little as I actually do, when it's just not getting through. Good God, and I wonder why I have such a hard time communicating myself to others. It's fucking hereditary.
posted by Nikki at 7:43 PM

Green Day has some pretty good lyrics... Once you can actually understand them.

Aren't there some lyrics somewhere that goes, "I just don't know what to do with myself?" Hmmm...

Two Weeks Notice is a very good movie. Catch Me If You Can isn't bad, either. It's actually pretty crazy. The Two Towers was pretty good too. Yay for Christmas-time movies! Future movie-watching goals: Star Trek: Nemesis, Drumline, Treasure Planet, and maybe, possibly, Gangs of New York and Maid In Manhattan.

I spent too much money today.
posted by Nikki at 7:31 PM

This has been a very sad Christmas. I'm really not feeling it this year. Bah humbug!

I feel like I've been a bitch all day today, which I know I was. Poor Saul. Sorry dude! Thanks for putting up with me all day... And yes, there is something bothering me. But even though I wanted to tell you I guess I can't. Sorry bout that too. I guess I'm not ready to tell anyone yet.

Which I think is what's been bugging me in general lately. I really don't know how to fix it. It's like I've gone too far down one path and I can't turn around anymore. And I'm not sure how to find or create a new one. I guess it's just left me feeling very despondent lately. You know how things always get magnified during the holidays... Anyway, this is why I really wanted to go to Corona Del Mar today. That's like my new get-away place. I needed to find something to replace Malibu. And now I really want to go to La Jolla this weekend. God, how far do I think I can actually run before I face myself? I know the longer I take, the worse it'll get. But I just don't know what to do... I don't even think I have the words to put to it yet. Eh... Sometimes I really am a drama queen. But I can't tell the difference anymore between being a drama queen and when I have a real problem.
posted by Nikki at 1:41 AM

Whoa... the dream I had last night...
posted by Nikki at 8:38 AM

My cousin's watching Black Hawk Down on my TV right now and I'm so not in the mood to watch a movie like this.

I'm incredibly sleepy. I've gotten ten hours of sleep over the past two nights, which I haven't done since I graduated. I'm ready to drop. I have no energy right now to deal with people.

I drank way too much wine at work today. I swear, I never knew you could drink so much on the job before... Today was a fun day at work though. I found out a lot about some of my fellow co-workers. Hehehe... I love working in a place where there's finally people my own age!

I'm still trying to work out how in the hell I can start meeting new people... I really need some new friends. Not that my old friends aren't great, but I'm used to meeting new people all the time at school. I just feel so stagnant right now.

I think I'm going to be sick from watching this movie. I swear, I've been overly sensitive the last month or so. If I didn't know it wasn't possible, I'd swear I was pregnant. I think I'm just missing having an open ear and someone to hang out and waste time with... someone of the opposite sex. Who's straight. No offense to those who don't fit that profile, but I need some testosterone right now.
posted by Nikki at 9:25 PM

I just spent the last six hours baking cookies. All I gotta say is my co-workers better appreciate this! Thanks Tam-tam and Tiff and Bluey for helping!!! On the menu for tonight: sugar cookies, in various shapes and colors, oatmeal raisin cookies, and chocolate chunk brownies.

Started using my new toy today... Countdown to when it's put to use has begun.

Even after washing my hands like four times I still feel like I'm covered in butter!

I think I may have inadvertantly done something... not nice. I'm starting to get this feeling from someone that he's kind of reciprocating something he thinks I started... but didn't. Or at least, I didn't mean to. I have this tendency to be extremely nice (and I guess you can sort of say, to latch on) to certain people at certain times- not to get something from them. But more because of my insane mood swings- especially like those I've been having lately. I mean, yes, he's a great person. He's just not my type. Among other complications. And then I had this dream that really put things out of whack and made me start thinking things I really shouldn't be thinking. Because he is so not my type. So... yeah. I feel bad. And I don't want anything bad to come of it, because I do have fun talking to him, but I really don't want anything more.

And on that note, I'm off to bed. Because I can feel my body shutting down as I type... And I need to wake up before 6am. Argh.
posted by Nikki at 12:50 AM

I need a man who'll give me massages like the one I had tonight for free every night for the rest of my life.

I got a new "toy" today. I hope I get to use it soon.

It's freezing cold. I've been freezing for the last two weeks. What is wrong with me? I used to be the ice queen.

For the first time in a year I'm wearing jeans that are not low-rise. It feels weird.

I need sleep... and stuff...
posted by Nikki at 11:21 PM

I'm watching a show on the Discovery Health Channel called "Sex Through the Ages."

I read an article at the office yesterday that says you can tell whether a person is in love or in lust through an MRI. Supposedly, being in love gives you an MRI similar to a person on drugs- with the high and the withdrawal symptoms. Hah... It'd be nice if I could use that tool. It'd save me a lot of trouble. Because, no, as far as I know, I can't tell the difference. But then, maybe it's cause I've never really been in love before. Wow. Go fig.

I know I've complained over and over about this... but my social life has become devastatingly sad recently. Actually, not sad, just non-existent. I'm the only person in my office that does not have a significant other. Geez... that'll make for a fun office Christmas party for me! Lord... I need to get out there. But how? I dunno. I don't have the time to get out there. My job is my life.

I've actually turned to reading trashy romance novels. It's so sad. When I was younger I told myself I'd never lower myself to that level. Guess I was wrong... And it's making me even worse! Cause it's just showing me what I'm missing. My God I need to get a life.

Oh... and yesterday I said something out loud that I really didn't mean to say. I'd meant to say something different, along the same lines, but not so harshly. I mean, it was supposed to be a joke. And I think what came out instead is what I actually want. It surprised the hell out of me, cause I didn't know I wanted that so bad. Damn. I'm not ready yet. I'm still commitment phobic and for me to do something bout it means that I have to get rid of that first. And I stand to lose a lot if it doesn't turn out the way I want. I also stand to lose a lot if I never act on it, either. I think I'm just making excuses with all that other stuff cause I'm afraid to do it. And I really am NOT sure if I want it or not. Why ruin someone else's happiness for something you're not even sure you want? Can someone please answer that one for me?
posted by Nikki at 9:39 PM

Not the best, but it was the best I could do considering the current time and the circumstances...

Letter to DIRECTV broadband:

I trust this email will be forwarded to the appropriate person.

I am extremely put out and dismayed by the news I stumbled upon today that your broadband company is going out of business. Having been an Adelphia customer during the time of their bankruptcy, I deliberately chose DIRECTV DSL and satellite services for their supposed quality of service. Until now I had no cause for complaint. I excitedly extolled DIRECTV to anyone who inquired about my service.

And so, this recent news both saddens and frustrates me because I, the customer, was given no warning whatsoever to the events within the company- especially when I read things such as, "due to the dramatic shift in the telecom operating environments throughout the past 18 months, DIRECTV Broadband can no longer stand as an independent business and we must discontinue operations (emphasis added)," in your current support information page (http://www.directvdsl.com/support.htm). In fact, in your directvinternet.com's page on "CEO's message to all our valued customers!" (http://www.directvinternet.com/common/jsp/MemberNewsComp1.jsp#article1) we are given the exact opposite idea, that all is well with your company. Needless to say, I feel betrayed by a company that I painstakingly chose, after a month's research, for it's quality of service above all else. I was told by many people that I would get a better connection or a better deal from Covad or Earthlink, but instead I chose DIRECTV because I felt it was a more stable company that would give me better quality. And I was willing to pay the higher price for it. I guess I was wrong.

This leads me to my final comment. Having already experienced a switchover from one broadband company to another, I am not willing nor able to go through it again. Rest assured that as soon as I finalize my contract with a new company I will no longer be a DIRECTV DSL customer, which doesn't matter much anyway considering the circumstances. But know that my faith in the entire DIRECTV company is gone, as well, and I am putting great consideration into switching my satellite service also. I also hope that I am not your only irate customer at the moment. Even Adelphia sent out warning letters a few months in advance that the company was experiencing some hardships. I received no such service from DIRECTV. I wish you luck in your proceedings for the next 90 days, because I do believe you are going to need it.
posted by Nikki at 12:36 AM

You want to talk pent up rage and frustration?

1) My mom asks me, "Where did you go?" as I walk in the door. The answer: I went nowhere. I was in the office all night. But instead of asking, "Why are you home so late?" or "Why are you wearing jeans?" she ASSUMES I went somewhere. I fucking hate people who ASSUME things about me.
2) I got cut off by a van as I was turning left onto Dale from La Palma. I honked at the guy for a full 30 seconds- as he almost got hit by another car for cutting them off (he was supposed to yield but didn't) and then I followed him with my highbeams for a block until I had to turn. The guy kept braking like he was gonna pull over or something. I would've stopped too. And if I'd had a gun, I most likely would have shot him. Stupid bastard.
3) I tried to go online tonight to check my DIRECTV email from work. You already know what happened. Instead of the homepage I get a letter to all customers saying they're going out of business. And in 30 days I will no longer have DSL from them. Whores. They owe me $5,000 for that. I want to sue for breach of contract. And damages. I fucking went through hell just to set up their stupid system and now I've gotta get a new one??? Well, they can kiss my ass.
4) The insurance department is a bunch of coke-inhaling, dick-sucking bitches. It's been three months since I've taken my stupid insurance classes and I still haven't got a test date. And when I try to call their "info" number all I get is the stupid recorded bitch. I swear our entire government is run by a computer. And all those people we see... like the president and the senators and stuff... are all holograms. Fucking pieces of shit.
5) Oh. And that roll I was on at work for the first 6 weeks has turned into the flattest run you've ever seen. If it were a heartbeat I'd be completely dead. Maybe it's just karma that no one answers anymore when I call them. You can all go hang yourselves then, for all I care. It'd save me a lot of trouble.

I hate the world and I don't give a flying fuck if it hates me back. You can all go fuck yourselves.
posted by Nikki at 10:49 PM

DIRECTV BROADBAND IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. I'm fucking pissed. First it was Adelphia and now it's Directv. And the only reason I went with Directv was cause I didn't want to go through the whole bankruptcy thing again, like I did with Adelphia. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I've got 30 days to get a new DSL provider.
posted by Nikki at 6:30 PM

I've got two places to be tomorrow and three on Saturday night... And so begins the holiday season. Great.
Friday: WSC movie night/Laker game
Saturday: Mike's annual Christmas party/Nutcracker with cousins/Hollywood Men with Marie and Frankie

I went to see ABT's version of Nutcracker last night with Tam-tam and Tiffany at the Kodak Theatre. It had good choreography, very classical style though, so it wasn't as entertaining's as the Moscow Ballet's version, but it was understudy night- and it was SO obvious that it was. Sucked. Plus, two of the principals are two of the lead characters from Center Stage, so I really want to see them dance! Which is why we want to go again, even if we get the cheapy seats. But the Sugar Plum Fairy and her prince were REALLY REALLY GOOD! They got the best ovation of the night. And sadly, only about a third of the theater was full.

Oh. And I lost my class ring there too. I should be panicking, but for some reason I'm not. I think I'm in shock. Because I know exactly where I lost it and when, but I still couldn't find it. Who the hell would steal a class ring that has a name inscribed on it??? It's not like it's worth much! But it costs $109 to replace, and I can only replace it once and only within the first four years, and so I'm very very sad right now. And I've been kicking myself for 24 hours now for forgetting to put it back on after I put lotion on my hands! I've taken it off so many times for the same reason and I've never forgotten to put it back on. I can't believe I was that distracted by the performance. I really hope they find it, but when I called this morning they said no one had turned it in yet. The lady suggested I keep calling for a few days, cause stuff "can turn up." It's not even the sentimental value that I'm sad about, it's the fact that I liked wearing that ring and it was practically the only piece of jewelry ever I wore. My finger missed it all day today. Plus, it's the second big thing I've lost in the last year or so. First it was my $300 Nine West jacket and now it's my $500 class ring. Every time I think bout those things I want to punch something cause I can't believe I could be that stupid.

You know... I think I could really benefit from seeing a psychotherapist or something. I've got lots of pent up rage and frustration to work out. Cause if I don't, one day it's all gonna come crashing out and I really pity the poor people in my way when it does. Too bad my insurance doesn't cover it. Fucking health insurance. It's not good for practically anything.
posted by Nikki at 11:49 PM

I'm convinced that there are ghosts in my house. Because I swear whenever I look in a mirror or past a doorway that there's someone standing right there and when I look back they're gone. It's happened like 5 times tonight alone and it's been happening ever since I can remember. Yay... I see dead people. And no, I have not been smoking crack, so I am not paranoid. I'm not. I am not paranoid. Not not not.

I'm sad... I can't go boarding this weekend. I was finally gonna go, then I realized that if I want to make any money this month I've gotta work every single day that I can, with all the holidays we gotta take. This sucks.

Yesterday I had a twelve hour day. Today I had a seventeen hour day. God, I just want to sleep. And my damn client tonight was making a big fucking deal over saving $50 a month when he KNOWS he's got $700 a month that he can afford to save. Because he wants to be able to use all of his money for the next few months "just in case." Good Lord people! $50 is not that much money if you're working a full time job, single, have no kids, and barely pay any rent. Then he decided to keep me there for THREE HOURS, just to talk. And gave me six referrals with no phone numbers. Ugh. I'm so sick of stupid people. I would still be there if I didn't just start packing up and walking out the door while he was talking. Fuck. And I gotta be back in the office by 10am tomorrow. *EXPLETIVES*
posted by Nikki at 11:30 PM

I know I keep saying this, but I love guys who can cook. I mean really cook! Watching Jamie Oliver makes me drool. And it's usually not over the food. Jools is one lucky woman!

I just had some of the best restaurant food I've ever tasted. We went to Mr. Stox in Anaheim for my parent's anniversary. I ordered their Lobster Bisque, Sea Bass with green and white beans, butternut squash, and a red beet sauce (which was actually magenta!), and Creme Brulee with berries. All of it was YUMMY. My mom also had a great Spinach Salad and Seafood Linguine. Their Flourless Chocolate Cake was pretty good, but I wasn't in the mood for the liquer taste. Everyone else at the table had the Prime Rib, which they said was good (my dad said it was better than Lawry's!). It came with grilled veggies and garlic bread pudding. It was very garlicy, but not bad. They had Christmas carolers going from table to table, too, taking requests. The ambience was pretentious casual- very Orange County. It's supposed to be a classy restaurant, which I've been to a good number of considering my 23 short years, and this one seemed like it tried to be classy but still had an arrogant undertone. Although for the food, I'd put up with it. (I'm sorry, but any place that sells the displays in their lobby isn't as classy as it thinks it is.) I didn't get to sample the red wine my dad had, but they supposedly have one of the best stocked wine cellars in Southern California. There didn't seem to be a wait when we arrived, ten minutes before our reservation time, but we still had to wait for 15-20 minutes. I'd suggest making reservations, just to be sure. Every table I could see was full even though the lobby was empty. The best part was that five of us were able to eat for just under $200 plus tip. Not bad for such a good restaurant.

I'm going to flop into my bed now. I'm in food coma. Ahh... gluttony...
posted by Nikki at 11:02 PM

I hate living in this house sometimes... a lot of times. Why is it that everyone else feels the need to YELL! across the house whenever they want to talk to each other? It's giving me a fucking headache.
posted by Nikki at 11:35 AM

Yay Lakers! I watched an awesome game tonight! Especially since I didn't turn it on till the middle of the 3rd quarter. LOL!
Half time score-
Mavericks: 64, Lakers: 36
Final score-
Mavericks: 103, Lakers: 105

Who says I finally got some? Unless you count a free pizza and pizzookie! Sheesh!

For being the capital of our country, Washington DC sure has a huge lack of diversity. Unless you count the diversity among the various lobbyists... Hahaha...

My throat hurts from yelling at the Lakers too much... Too bad sound doesn't travel backwards through the TV. I could've been a great cheerleader. Or a very annoying one... Hahaha... I'm still stuck on that game. I mean, come on! It was a great come back game! The last time they came back from such a deficit was in 1979 against Chicago! Wow!

My goal this year is to make it to at least ONE Lakers game!
posted by Nikki at 12:04 AM

I just got an email from Mt. High saying that they are opening this Wed. I think my junk mail server sucks.

It's too crowded in here again. Someone's leaving on Sunday, but I don't know whether to be sad they're leaving or glad.

Finally met up with my MIA friend for dinner. Always fun to tease and be teased... but it was kinda weird. Damn my raging hormones. And his!

Shit, I need to sleep.
posted by Nikki at 12:00 AM

My computer is being retarded. I should never let people use it unattended by me.

There's some random wannabe Cinemax porn on my TV right now. Yay for free preview weekends! Hahaha... Hey! I recognize one of these girls from another random wannabe porn I saw last night... Damn. Did I just give something away? ...Like the fact that I haven't left my house since Wednesday night except this afternoon to watch a movie. Hehehe!

I cleaned my desk off! But as a result some of the stuff I previously cleaned off my floor and put on my desk has now returned to the floor... But my trash can is pretty full at least.

One of my friends is in town from the other side of the U.S. and yet he hasn't called once to hang out except to invite me to "console" another friend who "recently broke up with her significant other." Which was confirmed to be untrue when I called her to see what was up. Boys are stupid. So are "men."
posted by Nikki at 12:40 AM

I think I've grown up more than I thought I had... Certain recent events didn't get quite the reaction I was expecting from myself. And when I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I've just gotten older. Haha... I don't know whether this is good or bad, but it certainly is interesting. It's kind of ironic, too, because just the other day I was thinking how young I still act sometimes. I know I'm not immature, but I still enjoy doing things that only younger people usually like to do. And I still like putting my hair in pigtails and wearing things that make me look like I'm a lot younger than I am. But I guess in other ways, the ways that count, I'm a lot older than I think I am...

You know... books are a great way to expose someone to the world. I had a pretty sheltered childhood, yet I think I was a lot less naive than a lot of my friends while growing up. Innocent maybe, but not naive. And the only thing I can think of that made me this way was the insane amount of books I read as I was growing up. I exposed myself to a lot of things that my parents had no clue about- and probably wouldn't have approved of. They never questioned what books I read, but they did question what movies I watched and where I went and what I did. And books are still doing this for me. Books allowed me to travel to other worlds, to live other people's lives, and to put myself in the place of a type of person I might never meet. They helped me to understand people who are different from myself- and to be able to understand them when I first meet them. Geez... reading for fun should be emphasized a lot more to kids these days. It could teach them a lot about the world, but not have to expose them to it until they're "ready." They certainly took away the shock value of practically everything I've seen since I was younger...

I'm hungry.
posted by Nikki at 12:56 PM