My tummy hurts. My fault for trying to show off by being the only girl who knew how to use Veejay's new workout equipment... And for being so out of shape! BUT... I've got better stomach muscles than some of the boys in my family... Teehee!!!

Everyone's gone away for the weekend... :*(
posted by Nikki at 6:20 PM

Too happy to let my good mood get stolen away by mean people. So I'm going to keep it in my room.

Jimmy Fallon did an AWESOME intro to tonight's VMA's.

Sunday's the Exotic Erotic Ball. It's at the Sunset Room! Wish I could go... And just because I can't I refuse to make myself all sad by looking through their website... I refuse...

I really need to start working out again... maybe I'll even start skating again. OMG!

Now I'm gonna go try to be productive, while trying to avoid the Vacuum of Good Feelings who are unfortunately roaming through my house at the moment.
posted by Nikki at 10:02 PM

BJ's tonight. Yum! Pizzooooooooki! I tried appreciating beer tonight. It didn't work. Even with the $4.95 microbrew tasters... FOUR of them. And they were pretty big too! Not bad for five bucks. Too bad I still don't like beer... At least Bubbles finished one of them.

Interesting lunch experience on Wilshire and Wilton today. Hahaha... At least Samantha and RJ seemed to like it. I need to work my butt off so I can score a 100 on my license test so I can get $200 from one of my bossess! Hee!

This new Duncan Sheik album isn't all that bad... (Bubbles' fault!) But the Jimmy Fallon one is hilarious! BBMak tomorrow? Geez... where has all my taste gone? It's all Best Buy's fault... freaking $8.99 CDs...

Um, yeah. Flashcard and sleepy time!
posted by Nikki at 11:02 PM

$5 down the lottery black hole. Why do I even bother?

Even Jimmy Fallon can't make me feel better right now... On the other hand, Sum 41 makes me smile. :) Because they have choreographed simultaneous jumps and splits during their song. I never realized how young they were! And I like the lead singer guy's hair, he's even a little bit cute. And if they really weren't lip synching or singing to a track then I'd say they're hella good performers! Hehehe! I think they just got a new fan.

No, I didn't go anywhere tonight, partly out of spite, partly to make myself feel worse, and partly cause I really had to study. Which, of course, led to nowhere cause I couldn't concentrate. My fucking practice test scores were in the 70s and low 80s. I'm supposed to be getting in the 90s by Monday. Fuck.

I'm mad. (Probably in both ways...) And I might as well say it- I'm hurt. I hate my parents for fucking me over like this. At this point, I would be willing to walk away and never talk to them again. I wouldn't want anything to happen to them, I just don't to have anything to do with them. And I hate myself too for being such a brat like this. Oh fuck it. I'm going to bed.
posted by Nikki at 12:32 AM

Consider the word spunk. Now consider the word spunky. Do you think there's a connection?

I don't know whether to laugh or actually feel proud. I entered this poetry contest online so I could keep up a free membership to this website I like. I basically took a poem off my old website, which I wrote in high school, and copy and pasted it in their little box. Then today I get a letter saying that my poem was chosen as a semi-finalist in their contest and is gonna be published in their book. Hahaha! And, "as a poet chosen for publication... [I'm] eligible to attend The International Society of Poet's 2002 Fall Convention in Hollywood" in November. Wow, I'm a certified, published writer... Hahahahaha!

My birthday is in ten days. I'm actually looking forward to it, but I DON'T want to celebrate it with my parents. Twin Palms sounds fun though... Heh.

I'm supposed to go to a novena tonight. I'm supposed to meet up with my cousins so we can hang out, like last Sunday, cause we haven't seen each other as a group in forever. But I don't feel like going anymore... I feel like holing up in my room in the dark listening to songs like Smile and Save the Last Dance For Me. But when will I get the chance to hang out with everyone again? Christmas? Probably. I don't think I'd mind hanging out with my cousins, but the fact that my parents are going to be in the same house makes me not want to be there. If they said we'd be going out somewhere instead of staying at the house, I'd go. But since I heard they actually want to stay there, which is like a miracle, I'd rather hole up with Brian and Justin and Nat King Cole and the Drifters. Blech.

I haven't spoken to my dad in over a week. I haven't seen him since Thursday. My mom thinks I'm over it. But I'm not. I really don't want to have anything to do with them, because after what happened I'm ashamed to call them my parents. Just thinking about it makes me want to start crying all over again.

I'm so jealous of families that actually know how to communicate with each other. But oh well. I've given up all hope on mine.
posted by Nikki at 5:55 PM

Yummy Cheesecake Factory with Bubbles tonight! To celebrate the end of my first unofficial week of "real working world" work. The Good Girl is a decent movie, except that it gets you really depressed. (Although, Bubbles' comment that it makes you realize how lucky you are in comparison is true too...) A Peach Bellini at Cheesecake Factory, though, makes a good remedy for that icky feeling.

Yummy Louise's Trattoria with Jackie last night! Followed by a Queer As Folk mini-marathon! Can I get a ohhhh yeah? Heh. I absolutely LOVE the stretch of Montana in Santa Monica that has all those restaurants and shops... It's like a less-crowded, less-touristy version of 3rd Street.

Playing on winamp right now: Smile by Nat King Cole
Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile
Even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile
What's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just smile

Favorite song of the moment: Save the Last Dance For Me by the Drifters
posted by Nikki at 1:04 AM

Feeling very unsatisfied right now.

On the other hand, I adore my new job- even if I'm not getting paid for a while.

I feel all screwy right now... yech. But at least I know last week's mood swings were all PMS related... I hope. I dunno bout this week's.

I just finished watching the last scenes of Queer As Folk's season one finale for like the fifth time. It's like the perfect synonym for my life. First, everything's as perfect as it gets. The guy you dream about actually shows up to prom and dances with you- in front of the entire school. It's the best night of your life. And then the next thing you know you're hit in the head with a bat by a homophobic homo and you end up in a coma for two weeks. Bleh. Whatever. It's like Moulin Rouge. You don't know whether to laugh or cry or do both and somehow you just can't stop yourself from doing whichever whenever the mood hits.

You know, it's weird how someone you know you're very good friends with can still surprise you with how well he understands you. It's like he knows me as well, or better even, than I know myself. And it's weird/sucky that you know you don't have the kind of attraction you should have towards someone who can know you so well. On the other hand, that could be a good thing too...? It's not as if I'm not attracted, cause we wouldn't still be friends if I wasn't in some way. But, it's just not the right way... I don't know if a guy has ever been so accurate in analyzing me- even if he says he can never figure me out. I think he's the only person who can truthfully say he's made a dent, myself included. I'm not making any sense, am I? Never mind.

I should be asleep by now. What's wrong with me?

Justin: I thought you said you wouldn't be caught dead in a room full of eighteen year olds.
Brian: I thought I'd recapture my lost youth.
Queer As Folk, episode 122
posted by Nikki at 11:32 PM

Tired. Very, very tired.
posted by Nikki at 7:18 PM

I think I should be on lithium.


It's crazy how easily I can retreat into myself. I haven't done this in... a very long time. I haven't felt the need to. I think the last time was before I moved out. Ironic how the next time is just after I move back in. But then, I think I've felt this coming for a while. And the other day was just a trigger... Actually, more like a shove off a cliff. I haven't really wanted anyone's company recently. Even during those times when I felt like I would burst... for whatever reason. It's strange how, on the one hand, you can be so ecstatic over one thing, and completely fucked over on another- and both at the exact same time. It's like you can't decide which one to be and so you just swing back and forth between the two... unfortunately, not like a pendulum though. At least those are predictable.

It's a good thing I've found something to focus on again. Even if it is a major cause of problems. But it's something I want- really want. More than anything I can think of from my past. So far, it seems to be everything I was looking for- but never had a name to put to. Hopefully, it'll turn out that way. And I promise myself I'm going to do everything I can to make it so.

Somewhere, buried underneath everything, I know I really need a hug right now. But everything in me just refuses to acknowledge that fact. I wish I could though...
posted by Nikki at 3:36 AM

I just don't know anymore.
posted by Nikki at 11:43 PM

There are no words to express how much I'm disappointed in and mad at my parents right now. Suffice it to say that I fucking hate them. Yes I do. I know you're all thinking, now you just feel that way right now, but I don't. I've known this for a long time. Sure, I owe them a lot. And I know they love me. But they are the reason I am so fucked up. And I hate them for that.

I knew when I moved back in that I wouldn't be staying here for long. But then I thought, okay, well maybe I can make it work for a a few years- maybe even up to five. You know, one year to pay off debt, the next year to buy a new computer and hopefully a car, the next year to save up for a place to live, and the next to start a savings or some shit like that. (I know that's backwards- but fuck, I'm young. If I die now, who do I owe money to?) Then I could move out. But to hell with that plan. I should've remembered there was a reason I wanted to move out in the first place. There was a reason I never came back "home" after my freshman year of college. And that was because no matter how much I know my parents love me- they have no fucking way to know how to show support. All I ever get is criticism. And when I do something that I'm fucking proud of all I get are comments on how it's not gonna work and what's wrong with it and oh yeah, by they way, since you're mad at us now, good job.

So fuck them. I will pay them back for every penny they spent on me and I will NEVER ask them for support or congratulations ever again. Hell, I already decided back in junior high that I didn't want their approval, and in high school I decided I didn't want their money, so why ask for anything else anyway. Screw them.
posted by Nikki at 8:05 PM

Every night for almost the past week I've had a dream that I was back in Hawai'i. Even if the place I was in didn't look anything like the Hawai'i I saw while I was there, it was still supposedly Hawai'i.

Last night/this morning was a continuation of a dream I had a couple nights ago. I was back in "summer school" in Hawai'i (although it was more of like a camp sort of thing- more things to do, less actual class to go to) and I was staying in "dorms" with shared bathrooms- and the bathrooms were disgusting. So in this most recent dream there was this hapa TA who had almost shoulder length slightly curly brownish-blonde hair and these pretty hazel/light brown eyes (which is weird cause I don't usually see faces of boys in my dreams- and this one was hot!) who asked me on a date for the week after summer school was over. So it was pretty much known that we had a date for then, but we didn't really talk much until the end of the session cause, you know, TA/student and all.

Then it was night time and I was bored, so even though I knew I shouldn't go out of my place cause it wasn't the best area I went to this "club" that I'd heard was supposedly like the best place to be. And I remember climbing the stairs and being scared cause it was kinda rickety and the place was on the top floor. But the bouncer guy was really nice to me. So I go inside and there's all these Filipino kids there and it's like a karaoke/boba place and I'm like, "this is supposed to be the shit?" So I leave, cause it wasn't. But then I go outside and I realize my car wasn't in the same place I'd left it, so I go downstairs and I notice the front tire is missing. Then I notice all the tires are missing. Then I notice this lady who was stealing my tires and putting them in her trunk! So I start yelling at her and cute boy and bouncer guy come running over and help me out.

Then, my friend Angela (whom I haven't talked to since 8th grade in real life), her brother gets in trouble for accidently having knives in his suitcase. (I dunno... it was a dream!) And cute guy was also the counselor who helped us during the trip to the office... which was also kind of like a juvie... go fig, again. And I caught his attention cause I was trying to be all diplomatic explaining how the knives got there and it was a mistake.

Anyway, so he was there and then it was sometime later, like the last week of the session and I'd decided to go exploring. So I hiked up to the top of this mountain/hill thing, which apparently was also right next to a beach, where it was like an old, dead volcano with a bunch of craters- but it was all rock- and the water at the bottom of the "craters" didn't evaporate unless it was hella hot out for a while. And I fell asleep next to one of the "puddles" while laying out up there. When I woke up he was there next to some palm trees with a few girls and they were like a hula group and he was teaching them. So we started talking and then the next thing I know we were walking around holding fingers :) and then suddenly it was night and we were at the hotel room he was sharing with the three other girls. And we were watching a TV that was mounted on the wall (while standing up- but it didn't matter cause by then we were holding hands :) and it was some award show type of thing and then all of a sudden he got an email (on the TV) and when he checked it it was from Gwyneth Paltrow who was saying something bout "OMG Tyrese won this and Ben Affleck did that... blah blah blah" and the girls were like "You know Gwyneth Paltrow?!" and I was thinking in my head, "I knew that and they didn't... oh yeah." :) And then it was bedtime and the girls were all going to sleep so I felt like I should leave. I also felt weird being in a hotel room with this guy and three other girls, but I remember the girls had brought their own comforters for some reason and one was sky blue and the other had this pink Hello Kitty design. So I told them how cute I thought they were and they seemed to like me better. And so I was gonna leave, but he and I kept talking about all this stuff. And I remember during the whole dream I wanted to kiss him, but for some reason we didn't... cause like, we were always talking about something. And then my dad came in and woke me up. :-(

So yeah, some reasons why this dream was weird- aside from the obvious:
1) I haven't seen, nor thought about, Angela since high school.
2) I actually saw the guy's face.
3) I slightly woke up a few times during the dream, but every time I went back to sleep I went back to the dream- which never happens to me. And if it does, the dream's always different in some way.
4) I don't usually think/talk bout Gwyneth Paltrow, and hadn't anyway for quite some time, and then just a few minutes ago, while I was getting ready for bed, she was on Conan O'Brien.
5) The fact that it's twelve hours later and I can still remember a LOT of the dream... even the way the scenery looked and what happened and stuff.

Kinda weird/scary...
posted by Nikki at 1:42 AM

Watching the sky fall was a bust. But going to Yorba Linda and sitting in front of that house made me cry. Especially when I thought about all the times I spent there and the reasons why we can never go back again.

I wish my dad kept tissues in his car.

*sigh*
posted by Nikki at 3:35 AM

Uh oh. I'm at it again...





Oh yes. I always get the girls... LOL!




Well, gee, that's good.

Wanna take these quizzes? I know you do. Go here: She's Crafty

I'm done. I swear.
posted by Nikki at 12:17 AM

Food Network's Summer Unwrapped series is really bad for my figure. So far, it's made me crave french fries, ice cream, and tang. Now I REALLY want candy. Eh.
posted by Nikki at 9:59 PM

Oh. My. God. I finally finished my links page. And it has FIFTY freaking links on it. Sheesh. But, I have to say, it's a BIG improvement over the old page. The only thing that bugs me is that nasty yellow line in the navbar. Oh, that and the fact that the blues don't match on top. Tried fixing it. But shoot. It's late, I'm tired. I spent like three hours trying to fix the stupid cells in the table cause like I said before, I have a pitiful amount of knowledge of HTML. But it just got larger! Heee!

Tomorrow (oops, make that today) I will do the books page. Which will probably become a review page, cause with the amount of movies I've seen... Yeah. It just makes sense. And then I wonder- who really wants to know what I think about books and movies and shit? Cause I never give a crap what other people think about them. But you know what? I don't give a damn! Hahahaha... I'll just tell myself this page is for my own reference. Cause I can never remember what books are about after I've read them. I have the saddest memory.

Eh. My feet feel dirty. And my face is oily. And I'm thirsty. And my bed has no bedsheets. Sooo... I guess I getter get my butt out of this chair now if I want to go to sleep before the sun rises. Cause lately, sunrise has been my bedtime.

I really need a job.
posted by Nikki at 2:43 AM

After watching Antitrust (hey, it's a Ryan Philippe movie!) I have this sudden urge to work on my website. Heh.

OH MY GOD... some guy calling in on KROQ had "speed bumps" implanted... "down there." Says the VJ, "it's ribbed for her pleasure." Yeah...

Okay, back to my pitiful attempts at HTML coding.
posted by Nikki at 5:45 PM

I hate my fucking life.
posted by Nikki at 12:01 AM

After having spent literally the last 12 hours on the Queer As Folk message boards (Don't freak, I only actually posted 5 times. I was just catching up!) I can now call myself a true fan! Sheesh!

This is why I say I need to get my butt in gear.

Thus, I have nothing further to say because that is what I did all day. (Hey! That rhymes! :)
posted by Nikki at 2:08 AM

A good swift kick in the ass is what I need. Actually, I need a few of them... One to get my butt in gear and make me do what I need to do, another to beat the arrogant bitch out of me, and another to make me realize that I'm no one special. All things that I used to know, until one day I let delusions of granduer into my head about how I was a "special person" created to do "special things." Bullshit. Anyone who does give me those kicks would be doing me a favor. Cause Lord knows I can't do it to myself. I'm too proud for that. I wouldn't believe myself.

So how did I get all stuck-up like this? It's a combination of self-defense mechanisms from different angles, those being my own stupid lack of self-esteem, a lack of communication from my parents as I was growing up, and the snickers and whispers of bastard "peers" on the playgrounds of private, Catholic schools. There's no one out there to trust, so I damn well better make it so I can trust myself. Shit, who knew I actually ingrained something my mom's tried teaching me since I was 9? Childhood really does have a lasting (and traumatizing) effect on people. (See? I should've become a psychologist.) Oh yeah, and then there was that comment that was directed to no one in particular, about how I was this person who "had so much more to her than she even realizes." Boy, did I let that one go to my head. Goddammit, I know I'm smart, but it doesn't mean I'm intelligent.

What I really need to do is stop making excuses of everyone and everything around me and actually start doing something to my life. And stop waiting around for someone (see here, God) to do me a favor, which we all know no one will.

Fuck, I can pretend like the best of them. It's what makes me such a good liar- I can even lie to myself. That's what makes my lies so effective. If I can convince myself, I can damn well convince others. It's easy. Such manipulation. The only reason I don't use it on other people is because of my false sense of morality. It's wrong to manipulate others. And because I know I can do it so well, I refuse to do it at all. Must explain my disdain for anything sales related. Any sort of "convincing" I do would in reality be manipulation, after all. And above all else, I value honesty. A hypocrite, I am.

There's so much out there I pretend to know, when in reality I know jack shit. And I know certain others can see through me. But who cares, so long as they go through with the charade, right? It's my way of allowing myself to move in circles I don't really belong to in the first place. And I'm sure they're laughing behind my back because they know it too. (Paranoia.) Now, I can either perfect the charade so that no one will ever know, or I can make it truth and actually try to learn the crap I supposedly already know. Which one do you think would be easier? Exactly. Hmmm... maybe I should join the government. Manipulation, lies, pretending... I'd be perfect.

Fuck.

Sometimes you gotta wonder- just how worth it is it all really? I could let my life go to hell if I wanted to. I'm so close already... and I have the means to make it even closer... Shit, and I'd probably be really good at it too. I'm just all screwed up now, aren't I?
posted by Nikki at 2:36 AM

Take The Ewan McGregor Test!
posted by Nikki at 1:13 PM

I'm incoherent because it's 4:54am. Not because I've had any sort of... anything... bleh.

Graffiti found on an Italian telephone pole by Jackie: "Save queer children from straight parents." Gotta love that Italian graffiti...

If Brian Kinney were a real person, I would wish I were a gay male.

Jackie is just as hooked on Queer As Folk as I am now. Mission accomplished. ;-)

I really need a boy... (toy...)
posted by Nikki at 5:02 AM

Guys who can cook like Jamie Oliver are SOOO up there on my list of guys I want to marry! He makes my mouth water! *slurp*
posted by Nikki at 10:00 PM

Why can't I just do what I need to do and get it over and done with?

I'm such a fag hag. OMG. I'm more caught up in Justin and Brian's relationship than Dawson and Joey's. (One of those, at least, is a girl...)

Why does my computer die on me at the worst times?

I can't keep my mind off him... And the more time that goes by the more I get that twinge inside whenever I think of him. And it's not completely a nice twinge. It freaking hurts. And it's getting worse. ARGH! *see me freaking out here*

I need a distraction.

posted by Nikki at 11:40 PM